Chapter 8

Eight-Tess
I couldn’t believe she’d said those things in front of James. Even more I couldn’t believe she completely changed gears when she noticed it was him. I looked him in the eyes, my cheeks aflame.
“Are you ok?” James asked. I nodded.
“Of course I’m fine, she’s just like that, besides, you were quick to change her mind,” I said. I knew it sounded bitter, but I didn’t care. He took my chin in his hand and turned my face to look me in the eye.
“Hey, don’t be like that,” he said, “I was just looking out for you.” I nodded. Everyone was “just looking out for me”. I didn’t need constant surveillance. I looked away again and picked up my trash.
“I don’t need someone to watch me. I do what I please,” I said. He looked completely thrown, but it didn’t matter to me. I began to walk away, but I felt horrible for being so mean. “I’m sorry!” I said running back to him. He took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.
“You’re fine, I’m not upset with you,” James told me. I nodded.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” I told him. He kissed me and I walked back inside to do all of the vacuuming, the next thing on my list.
Owen peeked in on me when it was time to leave. I waved and he walked over to where I was standing, having just finished cleaning the kitchen.
“Hey, is my mom being a royal pain in the ass?” Owen wanted to know. I didn’t know how to answer this question, unsure if he liked his mother or not. “Hey, tell me honestly,” he said. I nodded.
“Well, could you maybe tell her not to talk down to me so much?” I asked. I hated all the things she said about “poor people” as if all of us fell into the same category titled “people below me”. Owen nodded.
“Anything else? A girl of my friend’s is basically that friend,” he said. I smiled. I gave him a pat on the arm and went back home.
James was waiting for me at the front door. I squinted at him and saw a smile there upon his face. I stood next to him for a minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed him.
“What are we doing standing outside?” I asked curiosity in every syllable. He smiled slyly.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he said. I nodded, I did want to know. He simply took my hand and we got into his car. His first stop was at the Smoothie King. He ordered for us, since I’d never been there. As I sipped on my Passion Passport smoothie I loved everything about this night, even if it had just started. He watched me enjoy the smoothie and I watched him enjoying me. After we were finished there we went to the miniature golf course where he taught me how to swing a golf club, I’d never been mini golfing before. I had missed out on so many things because of my dad, and here I was experiencing something children may even do before they can remember it, for the first time.
I was absolutely horrible, but James said I did a good job for a beginner. I highly doubted that, I had landed two balls in the pond and one on the roof of the windmill however impossible that might seem. He told me that he’d never be able to do that, even if he tried. None of this mattered to me though because I was just glad to be there with James. He took my hand and we walked around the park next to the mini golf course. The night was beautiful; the stars in the sky seemed to twinkle just for us. I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I’d actually watched the stars.
Jillian wouldn’t sleep. Mom had killed herself two days ago and I wasn’t ready to face the nightmares yet. Jillian was screaming her lungs out and I didn’t want to wake Dad, so I took her outside in her stroller. The cool night breeze seemed to comfort her. I picked her up out of the stroller and we sat down in one of our old picnic chairs. I positioned her in my lap so she could see the stars.
“Look, Jillie, see that one? I bet that’s Mom, looking down and watching us,” I said. The baby made a soft noise and I smiled. “As long as you can see those stars, Jillian, you can convince yourself you’re not alone. Mom might have left us, but we’ll be here for each other.” In that instant I realized how much weight I put on her. That baby was dependent on me, and I on her. I promised her I’d never leave her with Dad, I’d let him kill me before he could get near her.
I didn’t recognize where I was when I looked up. I was crying that much I knew from the hot tears on my cheeks. James put an arm around me and kissed my temple.
“What’s the matter?” James asked. I blinked a few times and wiped my eyes.
“Just thinking about how I told Jillian about the stars when she was just a baby, I told her that she’d never be alone with the stars shining above her. I told her Mom was watching us from above. I told her I’d let Dad kill me before I’d let anything happen to her. It was all for me though, the promises, the comfort of having someone there. I let her down so much. The worst part is she doesn’t even know I let her down,” I said. James rubbed slow circles into my back.
“You did not let that girl down, she is better off with your grandma, you know that. I know that if you doubted she’d be safe there, you would have done everything in your power to keep her here. I would have helped you. She knows you love her more than anything, God, I wish you could see how much that child loves you,” James said. I looked up into his eyes. They were so sure, so convicted that I felt a little better about it.
“You think?” I asked, still not totally convinced, but wanting to be. He nodded.
“I know. Her eyes lit up when she saw you coming and she looked about to cry when you were crying on the sofa that night. You mean the world to that kid and nothing will change that,” he said.
“What if she forgets me?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“How can she do that when she’s going to see you all of the time?” James asked. All of the time? What was he talking about? James took my hand again and we drove back to his house. A white SUV was in the driveway and I had no idea who the owner was. James took my hand as we walked inside and as I opened the door I hear a joyous shriek.
“Mommy!!!” My sister shouted as she ran towards me at epic speed for a two year old. I grabbed her up in my arms and held her so close to me. I was crying again, and I was too happy to say anything.
“I missed you,” Jillian told me as we sat down on the couch. I kissed her forehead.
“Aw, kid, I missed you more than you can imagine,” I replied. James sat down next to me and I looked up at him.
“Did you plan this?” I asked him. He shrugged, but the blush gave him away. I leaned against him and Jillian gave him a hug.
“I love you,” Jillian said. James kissed her cheek and she giggled before settling into me again.
“I love both of you,” James replied. Both of us. James. Loved. Both. Of. Us. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but I knew better than to stay silent.
“I love you too,” I said. It felt right, us being here in this very moment, together like a normal family. “How can I ever thank you enough? You got me out of my dad’s house, you let me stay in your home, and now you brought my sister back. I just can’t imagine what I did to deserve this,” I told him. He simply kissed my cheek.
“You’re the one who stayed with your mom, even when your dad was horrible. You’re the one who took care of Jillian when no one else was there, and finally, you’re the one who let her go despite how much you needed her. Darling, it was the least I could do,” he replied. I buried my head in his chest and he put Jillian on the ground so he could encircle me in his arms.
The rest of the night was wonderful, Jillian and I played board games and James just watched us, letting us bond. When it was time for Jillian to go to bed I carried her up to my room and tucked her in to the little trundle bed Trudy had set up for her. I kissed her forehead and told her I was here again. I told her I would never let her go again. She fell asleep and I went downstairs and threw my arms around James.
“How did you do it? How did you get in touch with my grandma?” I asked him, simply because I didn’t even know how to reach her. He shrugged.
“When you’re mom’s a lawyer, you get to know some pretty helpful people,” he told me.
“I love you so much,” I told him. I was so happy I was almost sad, like when you watch the final episode of your favorite TV show and it’s perfect, but you know that it means the show’s over. I kissed him and he could tell there were sad thoughts racing through my mind.
“Why are you sad?” He asked me. I looked into his eyes, his wonderful blue eyes that were so blue you could mistake them for the ocean.
“It seems almost too good. I mean, I’m so happy here with you and Jillian’s back, but it seems like the bad is going to be coming now,” I told him. He kissed my forehead and we sat down on the couch.
“It’s going to only get better from here,” James said. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
The next day was Sunday, meaning I didn’t have to work. It also meant Church. James asked me what time we usually went to church on Sundays and I told him that we didn’t. Dad wasn’t one to admit he needed help, nor was he the kind of person to be sorry for what he did, much less ask for forgiveness. I had only been to mass with my mother once.
It was early on a Sunday morning, I was ten years old and my mom woke me up and told me to get dressed in something nice. I did as she told me and we got into the car. Mom’s eyes were red-rimmed and she looked frail in her bright yellow sundress.
“Where are we going, Mom?” I asked. I was scared by the sadness I could see behind her eyes.
“We’re going to Church. I need to ask the Big Guy for help,” she told me. At the time I was naïve enough to think she was getting some big huge guy to beat up Dad, like he beat us.
Mom had never talked much about God, and I was confused as she parked in front of this old building with colorful windows. We sat in a pew and she knelt down immediately, begging God to save us. I was completely baffled.
“Aren’t you going to get the big guy?” I asked. She looked at me and smiled sadly.
“Tess, God is the Big Guy. I’m praying for salvation from Daddy. Now you kneel down and ask God for help,” she told me. I did as she instructed and prayed for the first time.
God, I prayed, if you are there listening I wanted to ask for your help. Momma is scared and Daddy is mean. We need your help to make him stop. Please don’t let him hurt Momma anymore. I don’t care if he hits me, but don’t let him hurt her.
That was my first prayer. I prayed it every day for a month. For a while I thought it was working, but then everything got worse and I simply gave up on prayer altogether.
“I think I’ll just stay here with Jillian, she’s too rowdy to go to Church. I don’t want to disrupt people,” I said, evading the fact that I really didn’t think much use would come of going to mass.
“It’s fine, people understand kids can’t contain themselves,” James said. I let out a breath.
“Okay, I didn’t want to offend you, but I don’t believe God’s listening,” I told him. James just touched my shoulder.
“That’s okay, do what’s right for you. I just think it might help you to try to talk to Him,” James told me. I nodded.
“Okay, I mean I only went to mass once,” I admitted. Not to mention we didn’t really pay attention to what the priest was saying, we mostly said our silent prayers. I put on a skirt and a teal shirt that I thought would look good with James’ eyes, before I got Jillian ready. I took her hand and we walked out to James’ car together. “Isn’t Trudy coming?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“She’s technically living in sin according to the Church. They tend to frown upon homosexuality being acted upon,” he said. I was confused.
“Then why do you go?” I asked, not to be mean, but because I really wanted to know. He looked at the floor.
“My Dad’s there every week, I feel it’s the one thing he’s proud of me for,” James said. I kissed his cheek.
“I bet your Dad is proud of you for many things. You’re a wonderful artist, I bet he loves your work,” I said. This made James frown.
“He hates the fact that I paint. He thinks I’m going to be gay just because my mom is. I mean, what kind of crap is that,” he said. I nodded in Jillian’s direction. “Sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry he’s like that. If he can’t realize how amazing you are then it’s his loss,” I said. He didn’t look like he believed me and I kissed his cheek.
“I’m nothing special,” James said. I shook my head.
“You are special though, you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. I would be much worse off without you,” I said. He kissed me and took my hand.
“Maybe you make me want to be a better person,” he said. I smiled. He made me want to be a better person. That’s why I decided to attend mass with him. We headed out to the car and buckled Jillian into the backseat. “Do you know where we’re going, Jill?” James asked her.
“No. Where?” She asked.
“We’re going to talk to God,” he told her. She looked confused. “God is the guy who made this whole world, Jillie, He made you, and me, and everyone else.”
“Is God bigger than Daddy?” Jillian asked. I looked at the two year old and nodded.
“So much bigger, Jill,” I told her. She smiled; this answer satisfied her just as it satisfied me all those years ago.

Chapter 7

Seven-Liam
I knew June wasn’t telling me everything. She told me about her mother and rubbed a spot right above her elbow, and then she began to trace a line through the shirt. This act seemed strange to me, she wasn’t looking at me at all, and she continued to trace lines. I held her hand with one of mine and pulled at her shirt with the other. She yanked the sleeve back down before I pulled it up high enough.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked her. She looked me in the eye.
“It seems like you already know,” she said. I had to let out a breath before I continued, this couldn’t be real. I touched the end of her sleeve again and this time she didn’t resist, she simply looked away. Right above the crook in her elbow were straight red lines. There were six on her left arm and three on the right. Some of them were dull, but the ones that frightened me most looked to have just healed over. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to kiss it and make it better. But I knew I couldn’t do any of these things. I kissed the raised lines anyway.
“Please don’t do this,” I told her. She met my gaze then, the hurt and confusion all spilling out with a simple look.
“I don’t know if I can, it just feels so good to know I’m here,” she said. This part stings the worst. I pull her into my arms. I wondered how someone could feel so numb to the world that causing them pain would bring satisfaction only because it meant they could feel something. I had never experienced this, and I never wanted June to ever again. I looked her straight in the eyes.
“You’re here, I’m going to spend every day reminding you,” I told her, “never again will you have to doubt.” We sit like that forever, actual time: half an hour. She pulls away.
“Trudy’s probably looking for us,” she said. I nodded and pulled out of the Sonic parking lot, never letting go of her hand. “I don’t think your mom likes me,” June said. I chuckle.
“Are you kidding? You’re the daughter she never had,” I told her. She doesn’t seem convinced. I had no clue where this could be coming from, but I thought it might just be her way of not talking about her cuts.
“She just feels bad, I’ve lived a pathetic life compared to hers,” she said. I didn’t know how to respond to this, she had never been one to talk so blatantly negative about herself. So I just continued to drive home. I still didn’t know what to say when we got home so I went up to my bed and did all of my homework. I fell asleep reading The Princess Bride, my assigned English reading material.
I was having a dream like Buttercup, only it wasn’t a baby I was holding, it was June. I looked into her eyes and she screamed out in pain
“What is it?!” I asked her, alarmed. She pointed to her arm. There was blood soaking through her shirt and running down her arm. I removed my own shirt and held it over her cuts, but it was too late. She let out a final shriek and her face went blank.
Then I was outside of school with Elaine. She was slapping me across the face, telling me it was my fault. I had no idea what she was talking about until she pointed to my favorite tree; it was the tree I had first seen June sitting under. June was under the tree again, but this time she was hanging from the branches, swaying in the wind. I let out a moan; it came from deep inside of me. I fell to my knees and wept.
I was now in my own house, my mom sitting across the table from me like she was when she announced that Louise was going to move in. This time her face was pale and gaunt.
“I have some horrible news,” Mom said. I stood up, not able to sit any longer, the waiting had become unbearable.
“What is it?” I demanded. She shook her head.
“She’s dead, Mrs. Lepolsky killed her,” my mom told me. She was talking about June. I lunged at her. She simply moved out of the way and laughed as I hit the floor. “Did you think you could come in on your white horse and save her?” Mom asked.
“I could have done SOMETHING!” I yelled. Mom shook her head.
“You can’t change fate, she was born like that. It’s genetic.”
Now I was outside of June’s old house. The place was in flames and smoke was everywhere. I could hear June screaming and ran into the burning building. I found her wrapped in a blanket in the corner of her room. I tried to help her, but she refused.
“I belong to the fire,” she said.
I woke up sweating. I had been screaming in my sleep, I could tell by how raw my throat felt. There was a knock on my door and June walked in. I immediately got up and brought her close to me.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. She looked into my eyes, confused. “I didn’t say anything earlier, your life is not pathetic and my mom is not better than you. You lived a different life. She couldn’t have made it, you’re strong,” I said. She blushed at the compliment.
“Are you alright, I heard screaming,” she asked. I nodded.
“My dreams helped me realize what’s really important. You’re so sweet to come and check on me, when I should be the one to check on you,” I said. She looked down, obviously not used to the compliments. I kissed her and that electricity I felt the last time was back. She looked up at me.
“Your kisses leave me tingling, should I be worried?” June asked. I laugh and shake my head.
“No, that’s just the sign of a good kiss,” I said. She looked down.
“I guess that’s why I didn’t know, you were my first,” she said. I was shocked. I cupped her chin in my hands and smiled.
“I knew you were perfect,” I said. She squinted and shook her head.
“I am the farthest thing from perfect,” she told me. Her eyes were clear and there was pain and honesty in her voice. Here she was beautiful, smart, and most of all, the kindest person I had ever met. How could she not see these things? The answer was clear: she’d never been told anything of the kind. Her father spent time knocking her down; no one was there to build her up. This time I shook my head.
“You’re the closest I’ve ever met,” I said. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and buried her head in my chest.
“Then why am I so stupid?” She asked, her voice muffled by my shirt. I stroked her hair.
“You are not stupid, just hurt. I’ll help you get past it, alright?” I questioned. She nodded.
“I really want to get better,” she said. A few minutes later I kissed her again and sent her to bed telling her to rest for the next work day. I went back to bed as well and I wasn’t interrupted by any unusual dreams.
The next morning I sat down to breakfast with June at seven o’clock even though I had nowhere to be. June worked Saturdays, making Sunday her only day off. I made funny faces as she tried to eat her Lucky Charms. I guess she was over the fact that her dad had made a big deal about the cereal, because she had insisted on Lucky Charms. She laughed and made faces back. She saved the marshmallow pieces for last, something I did as well. I thought that if I ate the charms last I would get more luck. She shrugged when she saw me notice the marshmallows.
“I need all the luck I can get,” she said, “better to have more than just you as a good luck charm.” I smiled.
“Aww, I’m flattered,” I said. She rolled her eyes at my goofy remark. I walked over and kissed her. “Have fun at work,” I told her. She shook her head, trying to be angry, but I knew she wanted to laugh.
As she walked to the Lepolsky’s I pulled out my phone to call Owen.
“Yo, this is O,” Owen answered. He had come up with that five years ago and still got a kick out of it.
“Dude, it’s Liam,” I said.
“Ah, Liam, my man, your lady is a frequent here,” he told me. I smiled. Owen was a complete and total goof when it came to pretty much everything.
“Yeah, I know. She said you tried to pick her up yesterday,” I said, jokingly. I could hear him moving around in his room and he shouted a hello.
“Oh, yeah, I didn’t know she was…” I laughed at his befuddlement.
“It’s cool; she told me you kept it totally professional. She also said your mom was laying the work on hard, something about not getting lunch,” I said.
“Say no more, I’m your man for the job. Sometimes the old woman doesn’t know how demanding she is,” he joked. We spent the rest of the time talking about our parents. I told him about Louise moving in and he told me about his dad getting promoted. He asked a few questions about June, but she was heading his way so we got off the phone.
Later in the day I texted Owen to see if June was on her lunch break, he said she was sitting outside eating a sandwich. I made one for myself and ran out to sit with her. I was really running and she cringed like I might not stop before hitting her. I jumped up suddenly and landed next to her with a plop. June smiled at me and I felt like I was on fire. She made me feel as if anything were possible.
“How did you know I was out here?” She asked. I looked left, I looked right and then I whispered.
“I have spies everywhere,” I informed her. She laughed and kissed me.
“I forgot I wasn’t free of observations,” she said. I wrapped an arm around her.
“Trust me, it’s good to have someone like me on your side,” I said. She nodded and bit into her sandwich. I bit into mine as well.
“Mhmm, jelly,” she said. I raised my eyebrows.
“Mhmm, peanut butter,” I replied. Then I looked at her and we kissed. It was the perfect peanut butter and jelly sand-kiss, I’d ever experienced. It was the first of many to follow. Five minutes later, however, Mrs. Lepolsky was outside telling June to get inside and finish cleaning. She said she wasn’t paying her for lolling around and June could stay poor if that’s what she wanted to do with her life. I turned around and the look on her face changed.
“Hello, Mrs. Lepolsky, I’m sorry for distracting your fine worker here,” I said sweetly. I hoped the sweetness of my voice gave her cavities.
“Oh, don’t worry about it; I was just seeing if she was finished with lunch. Tell your mom it would be nice to have dinner with her and Louise again soon,” she said. I nodded and she went back inside. I helped June to her feet and her cheeks were rosy.

Say Your Name

This is a poem I wrote about a month and a half ago:

I look up at the sky and wonder where you are.
I wonder why they never mention your name.
I think about you as a star.

Burning fast,
Burning bright,
Burning out, no more light.

I never really knew you, but I often think these things.
I wonder if things were different,
Would I even speak your name?

You impacted so many people
By your life day to day
The one's who held you dearly
May never say your name.

They thought you were going off
Free and clear
They thought your life was about to start,
Until you took it.

I may never really know you
Or will those who loved you fully know.
But there's one way I can tell you how I feel
I can say your name and hope you hear.

Something Different

Today I'm going to try something new and I'm thinking about doing this frequently. I think I'm going to write a short story on the spot. Maybe, if this one works out, I'll do a new short story every Monday. We'll see, maybe it will keep my skills sharp.


An attic room. A man sits at his desk, staring at a blank sheet of paper. A red patent-leather stiletto flies through the open window and lands on the floor with a thud. She could never just enter a room or a building, the man thinks to himself. She always had been so dramatic. Ever since she came into this world, kicking and screaming, he'd known his daughter to overplay everything going on in her life. So why should this be any different.
Even on her third birthday she had him walk inside before her wherever they went, even the bakery to pick up her cake, with a roll of paper in his hand and she insisted he cry "hear ye, hear ye, the princess approaches!" Of course he did it, she was his only child, and a daughter nonetheless.
But this was different, this wasn't her third birthday anymore and he didn't obey her every beck and call anymore. He had done away with that long ago. He can pinpoint it to the event.
She was sitting on the back porch crying and he went to see what the problem was. She explained through her tears that the person she had been dating, with his permission, dumped her for someone his own age. For what she hadn't told him before was this man was her English teacher. He decided in that instant as he told her to go to her room and stop fussing over such a foolish mistake that he wouldn't give her the freedom to do as she pleased anymore.
But she wasn't sixteen anymore and this hardly applied to the situation at hand. He walked over to the aforementioned shoe and picked it up as his daughter entered the room. He smiled as he handed it back to her and appraised the woman who stood before him. She looked beautiful and teary, the same way she looked on her wedding night.
He remembered that night vividly as well. As he took her into his arms and she sobbed into his shoulder, promising him that he was still the most important man in her life. He patted her back and held in his tears as she told him this was one of the happiest nights of her life and he told her how beautiful she looked.
But this was not her wedding night anymore and she wasn't crying tears of joy anymore. For the man who had taken her from her father's house was also the man who broke her heart. This was the day his daughter came back to him. He took this woman who had been his princess, his rebel, and the apple of his eye since she was born, into his arms and told her how happy he was to have her back. She didn't cry this time and he knew this meant she was growing stronger. Through all the curves she had thrown at him throughout the years she was still growing and learning. And thriving. Never again would a shoe come through the attic window, that much he knew for sure.

Chapter 6

Six-Tess
I awoke the next morning in a bed I wasn’t used to. I had had the best night’s sleep I could remember and chalked it up to an expensive mattress. I felt as if I were floating on air as I got dressed and ready to head over to the Lepolsky’s. I skipped down the hall and plopped down at the kitchen table. I could feel James’ eyes on me. He had on a smile that must have been the twin to the one I was wearing. I would never admit this to anyone, but after last night, I believed in true love. And I believed James was the One.
“Good morning,” I said softly. James’ smile widened, if that was possible, and I felt as light as a cloud.
“Good morning, yourself,” he purred. Shivers ran up and down my spine and I felt electricity in the air. He loaded his bowl in the dishwasher and kissed my cheek. “Can I get you some cereal?” He asked. Then it all came crashing back to me.
“No, I can’t eat cereal,” I said. James looked extremely confused. Then he thought for a minute before it clicked the fact that if I had only bought cereal, maybe Dad wouldn’t have been so angry at me.
“Sure, sorry. Do you like blueberry Pop-Tarts?” He asked. I smiled and nodded.
“Thanks, that sounds wonderful,” I told him. James’ mom, who insisted I called her Trudy, walked in and poured herself some Raisin Bran. She sat down and smiled knowingly at me. I blushed and looked away, why hadn’t I figured living with my boyfriend and his mother would be awkward at times? This was especially the case if she was going to encourage our relationship and try to give me tips.
Yes, last night when I was in my room Trudy knocked on the door and asked to come in. I told her she could, it was her house after all, and she began to tell me makeup secrets that she thought I could use. She told me what made guys go “wild”, her words. I had never worn much makeup, it was fairly expensive, and she’d brought me a whole case full. I didn’t know how to use half of it and she said she’d be glad to help me if I had any questions. It was almost like she was trying to bond with me. Then she started talking about love and I really felt sick. I told her that I was tired, and she left me alone, but I didn’t know how long that would work. I looked over at James as his mom sat down. He raised an eyebrow.
“Hello, you two,” Trudy said, “Did you sleep well last night, dear?” She asked. I nodded.
“Very well, actually, I have never slept in such a comfortable bed before,” I told her. Trudy seemed shocked, and why wouldn’t she be. I would be too if I had grown up with such luxuries.
“Really? What kind of mattress did you have?” She asked. I ate a last bite of my Pop-Tart before responding.
“Well, my sister, Jillian, and I shared my parents’ old mattress, it had a hole at one end, but it worked,” I said. Trudy looked at me as though I were something to be pitied.
“Hey, Mom, how’s Louise? Did she enjoy her first night here?” James asked. I mouthed him a quick thank you. The question brightened his mother’s eyes.
“I think she really did, oh this is the beginning of a new phase in our lives!” Trudy squealed. It was almost too much for me, the excitement, and the expense. James looked at me and winked.
“New and better things are here,” he said. I blushed and hoped he was correct.
My plans for the foreseeable future were simple; I would work for the Lepolsky family and earn enough money to get a place for me and Jillian. I wanted nothing more than to have her back. I missed Jillian so much it hurt, I almost felt bad for the brief happiness I felt being with James, but I knew that was insane. If I felt bad for everything good that happened to me, my father would win. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I walked over to the Lepolsky house and rang the bell. A minute later the door opened and a guy rushed out, knocking me over in the process. Papers he’d been carrying had spilled all over the place and I immediately stood to help him pick them up. This must be Owen, the friend of James’ that had known him for ten years. Owen looked way more athletic than James; he didn’t have the slight artist build. I wondered if they actually had much in common besides their parents being friends.
“Sorry about that, didn’t see you, which is odd because I usually can sense a pretty girl a mile away,” he said. Wow, I bet he got good use of that line. I handed him the papers.
“I guess it only detects the single or wealthy ones. I am neither. Your mom might have told you, I’m the new maid,” I told him. He nodded and gave me a sly smile.
“Hired help, this could be interesting,” he said, contemplatively.
“You forgot I’m taken. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t waste my time on guys who obviously don’t know when to draw the line,” I told him. He shrugged like this is something that could easily be remedied. “You know my boyfriend,” I continued. This seemed to take him off guard.
“Who is it? I’m very good at talking people into things,” he said. This guy never quit!
“He lives in that house,” I said pointing at James’ house, the one in which I currently resided as well.
“No way, he finally…are you…? He’s had a huge thing for you for so long and he finally asked you out?” Owen asked. I nodded.
“I bet you feel stupid now,” I said with a smile. Owen put an arm around my shoulders which I felt to be extremely uncalled for.
“Girl, I never feel stupid for flirting with someone pretty, but I do intend to keep our relationship purely professional,” he told me. I smiled; I could understand how James might like this guy.
“Well, that’s good, it was nice to meet you,” I said. He nodded, held the door open for me, and rushed past. I stepped into the foyer, and like the day before, marveled at the largeness of the house. Mrs. Lepolsky told me to look for her in the kitchen if Owen or her husband answered the door. I walked in and she was standing there writing in a notebook. Looking back, I wish I would have burned that notebook in the toaster. She looked up and smiled at me before putting down the pen.
“Miss Euler, you’re right on time,” she said in a cheery voice, which had to be fake. I was actually five minutes early.
“Punctuality is my middle name,” I joked. She looked at me sympathetically.
“Poor people will name their children anything, I swear,” she commented. A flame lit my cheeks and I restrained myself from responding. I knew correcting her might get me fired. She handed me the notebook and I looked down at the small handwriting. “These are just a few things I need finished today,” she said. Was she kidding? This was far from “just a few things”. There had to be at least twenty items on the list. I felt doomed. I knew complaining or even thinking negatively wouldn’t help, besides, I was doing this to get Jillian back, it could be worse.
That afternoon I got back to the house just a little bit before James since he had art club after school and it lasted until five. I sat down; baffled by the sheer amount of times I was slyly belittled during work. Mrs. Lepolsky never said anything directly about the fact that I was poor, after that first remark, but she hinted that I was lower than her, unaccustomed to the way things should be done “in higher society”. I was exhausted. The list she gave me took all day; having a lunch break was not on the list. Apparently poor people don’t eat. I rested my head on the table and James walked in.
“Rough day?” He asked. I moaned as a sign of affirmation. He sat next to me and kissed my hair.
“Did I become a pack mule over night?” I asked him. He laughed.
“I don’t think so. Did Mrs. Lepolsky really work you that hard?” I nodded.
“I was busy from the minute I got there until the minute I left. She has me do so much, and apparently she thinks poor people don’t need to eat because I was not given a lunch break,” I told him. I knew I sounded whiny, but if you couldn’t whine to your boyfriend, who could you whine to?
“I’m sorry, I’ll talk to Owen, and maybe he’ll convince her. I don’t think she would purposely not allow you to eat though,” James said. He hugged me and I rested my head on his chest.
“I met Owen this morning,” I told him. He smiled.
“What did you think?” He asked expectantly. I could see in his eyes that he really was good friends with Owen.
“He tried to flirt with me, but once I told him we were together he admitted defeat,” I said with a rueful smile. James smirked as well.
“Ah, he saw he couldn’t match my sheer brilliance, huh? He’s completely correct,” James said. I laughed. I was glad to be here instead of my old place. Once I thought that though, I was thinking about Jillian. I wondered if she liked Grandma Pearl. I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her. I missed her so much. Grandma Pearl and I weren’t close though, and calling her would be impossible because I didn’t know her number. “Hey, are you alright?” James asked sweetly. He rubbed a small tear from my eye. I didn’t notice my own tears.
“Do you think she misses me?” I asked. He didn’t have to ask me who I meant. He nodded and pulled me closer.
“Of course she misses you! You practically raised her, but letting her go with your grandma was probably best, she couldn’t stay there. You did the right thing,” he said softly. I nodded, wanting to believe letting her go was the best. He continued to whisper in my ear. I was so exhausted and I couldn’t stop crying. Eventually I couldn’t cry anymore and I sat up straighter. I rubbed my eyes and looked James in the face.
“Sorry for being so emotional,” I told him. He shook his head.
“It’s fine. You miss your sister, I understand,” he said. “You want to get something to eat?” I nodded, I was so hungry.
“I couldn’t want anything more at this moment,” I told him. We got into his car and drove to Sonic. I ordered two corn dogs and a thing of tater tots, he did the same. “Copier,” I teased him. He smiled.
“Copying is the highest form of flattery,” he told me. I laughed. He popped a tater tot into his mouth and took a pull on our shared large coke. I bit into my corn dog and remembered how this used to be a staple in my diet.
“My mom and I used to come here every Saturday when she was pregnant with Jillian,” I said, “She said it was good for the baby, but I knew she just wanted to get out of the house. We used to talk about everything here.” James nodded. I was pretty sure this was the first time I brought my mom up in front of him. I never usually talked about her.
“What happened with your mom? I mean, how’d she die?” James asked. He looked concerned, like he thought my dad did it. But this wasn’t the case, well, not entirely.
“She…she killed herself. It happened a month after she brought Jillian home. She took too many of the pills the doctor gave her after the C-section…” I said.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” James said. I didn’t cry then, I had stopped crying for my mother months ago. James looked me in the eye. He wanted to know what I was thinking. “It wasn’t unexpected, at least not by me. I had told my dad to get her help. He refused to believe anything was wrong. Still believes it was all an accident,” I said. I shook my head.
There was no way that could have been an accident. He would know this if he’d been there. The day it happened. The whole month before. She was broken, completely broken, inside. I hated to admit this, but I had wanted to escape it all so much sometimes that I had just thought, long and hard about doing the same thing she did. But I couldn’t run. I had to take care of Jillian. Running would only make things worse for her. I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t as far gone as Mom was. I was starting to break too, but not to the extent Mom had broken. I could still be repaired; at least I hoped I could be. I had something she hadn’t, I had people to support me, take the burden when it became to heavy. I just stared out the window for what seemed like hours, but was only around five minutes. James didn’t say anything; he just put his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” he told me. I shrugged.
“It’s nothing you could have prevented. She was depressed,” she wasn’t the only one. The cuts on my arms could vouch for that.

Chapter 5

Five-Liam
I went to her house after school and we talked for a while about little trivial things, things that didn’t make a difference. I held her hand until she thought she heard her dad’s car outside. It wasn’t him, but she told me to go home. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but she told me that everything would be fine. I really hoped it was true, I really did.
After getting home from June’s house that night I felt completely outraged and completely useless at the same time. I wanted to make her father pay for what he did, but I had no idea how to go about this. My mom poked her head into my room and asked if I was okay, she had heard me slamming doors and blah, blah, blah.
“No, Mom, I am not okay,” I said, “I started dating this girl today and she is going through a very rough time and I can’t help her. She’s stuck and I need to help her find a way to escape.” Mom looked at me.
“Stuck how?” Mom asked. I let out a heavy breath, I wasn’t quite sure June wanted me to broadcast her home life to my mother, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“Her dad is trouble, Mom. He hits her sometimes, and now he’s sending her younger sister to live with her grandmother. I mean, that’s good for her, but June’s still there. She has no way out,” I said. I was more than a little upset and my mom could tell. She sat down on my bed next to me and put an arm around my shoulders.
“Honey, that’s awful! Why hasn’t she called the cops?” Mom asked. I shrugged. I had no clue why she hadn’t tried to get the police involved.
“We can’t call the police now though, Mom. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go if they arrest her father,” I said. Not to mention, they didn’t have the money. Mom squeezed me close.
“You’re a good kid. I know you want to make sure she’s okay, but if it’s really as bad as you say, I have to call the police, it’s my duty as a mother,” she told me. This was not how I wanted this to go. Was it too much to ask for my mother to just listen instead of take action? I guess it was. I made sure I was on my phone before Mom picked up the other one to call the police.
“Hello?” June answered. I took a deep breath; this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Listen, something is about to go down at your house,” I told her.
“What do you mean? What happened?” June wanted to know. I paused.
“I told my mom about what happened and she might possibly be on the phone with the cops,” I said.
Three. Two. One.
“WHAT?! Are you insane?! I can’t stay here without him. I’ll still need to get a job, but now it will be full time instead! What the hell were you thinking?!” June yelled at me. I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer, so I told her the truth.
“I was worried about you and I felt there was nothing I could do to help. That scared me, and I had to do something. I don’t want you to get hurt,” I told her. I couldn’t hear sirens on her end of the phone, but after a few minutes of apologizing June stopped me.
“I’ve got to go,” she said, “they’ve come to wreak havoc on my life.” She hung up and I felt like scum. I couldn’t even sleep properly; the night was wracked with guilt dreams.
The next morning at school I watched out for her while Paul kept trying to talk to me. Then I checked the art room, but still no June. I sat through all my classes that day thinking about how I was a major ass. I was so antsy by last bell that I literally jumped out of my seat and ran to my car. Paul was going to have to find a different ride, because I peeled out of there like there was no tomorrow. I got to June’s house ten minutes later and her car was in the driveway. That was a good sign, right? I hoped so. I walked up to the door, knocked a few times and waited. Two minutes later she opened the door and my mouth started going at full speed. Everything I had been thinking all day was pouring out of me as though this were the only chance I’d ever get to say it and I didn’t have enough time.
“Listen, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I am the world’s biggest asshat and you have every right to hate me. I just really hope you don’t because I really like you and I was just trying to do what I thought was best,” I blurted this entire thing out before she had a chance to say anything. I looked up to see her face red and tear-stained. I bowed my head in shame.
“I know you didn’t mean for this to happen,” June told me. I looked up.
“You do?” I questioned. I was flabbergasted that she hadn’t yelled at me and told me to leave. She nodded.
“You’re a nice guy; you would never intentionally hurt someone. I don’t hate you at all. And trust me; you are definitely not the world’s biggest asshat. I’ve already met him,” she told me. I nodded. Then she walked into my arms and I wrapped them protectively around her. I wanted to cry so much because she had forgiven me so easily, even though she didn’t have to, even though she had so much else going on in her life. But I didn’t, I found myself taking control of the situation instead.
“Do you need a place to stay? I know we have an extra guest room, and I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind. Even if we are dating,” I said, testing to see if we were anymore.
“Are you sure? I was out all day applying for jobs and finally got hired as a maid. I could pay rent,” June told me. She told me how social services had brought her to live with her dad’s sister, but she knew from just one night there that if she were to stay life would be pretty much the same. I brushed her hair away from her face.
“I don’t think my mom will make you pay rent. I’m sure she’d be fine with you being there. Just pack up all of your stuff and you can follow me back to my place,” I told her. She nodded and went inside. I pulled my phone out and called my mom.
“Hello?” Mom answered.
“Mom, is it alright if June stays with us for a while? She got a job and said if you wanted her to, she’d pay rent,” I told her, just in case.
“Tell her we’d be glad to have her. And don’t be silly, Liam, she doesn’t have to pay us a penny. I’m just glad she’s okay,” Mom said.
I told her we’d get June’s stuff all packed and then we’d be home. Mom made a comment about how we both had girlfriends moving in today and I hung up, rolling my eyes. I went inside and helped June with the rest of her stuff. Then I loaded the luggage into the car and she followed me home.
We were sitting around the table eating dinner, Chinese takeout picked up by Louise, when Mom gets the bright idea to bring up June’s day.
“My son tells me you got a job today, what exactly are you going to do instead of going to school?” Mom asked. I mouth an “I’m sorry” across the table and June waves it off before answering.
“I’m going to be a maid. Actually, the people that hired me live only a few houses down from here. This is even more convenient than I thought. Thanks again for letting me stay here, it really means a lot to me,” June said. Mom laughed.
“Don’t you worry about it, although, I do wish you would at least try to get your GED. I mean, dropping out of school doesn’t seem like the way to go.” She waved her own thoughts away. “Anyhow, I was just saying to Louise how funny it is for a mother and son to both have girlfriends moving in on the same day. You just don’t see irony like that anymore,” Mom said. I wanted to die of embarrassment. No parents should ever be that cool about a girlfriend moving in. Louise touched my mother’s hand.
“Now, Trudy, don’t embarrass the poor kids, look he’s blushing,” Louise said, pointing at me and I got up to clear the table.
“Now, don’t be like that, Louise was only kidding,” she said before stage whispering to Louise, “he can be so sensitive.” Louise shrugged and I left the room to throw the boxes away in the kitchen. June followed me.
“Wow, that is one harsh couple,” she said. I nodded.
“Yeah, gosh, we must look so uncivilized to you,” I said. She shook her head.
“Oh, god, no, that was one of the most civil dinner conversations I have witnessed in a while. Your mom jokes, my dad insulted. There’s a major and obvious difference,” June said. I put an arm around her.
“Don’t worry; you will be safe from insult here. So, the people you work for live close, huh? Well, that’s good, a short commute is the best kind,” I said trying not to sound like a nerd. It wasn’t working. June smiled at me, the first smile I’d seen all day from her. It made my heart do cartwheels. “What’s the name of the people you work for?” I asked.
“It was Dr. and Mrs. Lepolsky,” she said. My jaw hit the floor.
The Lepolsky’s had a son our age. He didn’t go to our school, but Owen and I had been friends since we were seven. Owen was way more athletic than I was and therefore had built up muscles while I remained lanky. I had heard rumors about him at our school and he was very popular with the girls.
“Did you meet Owen?” I asked her. She shook her head.
“No, they mentioned they had a son, but he wasn’t home. Why? Do you know him?” June questioned. I nodded.
“Yes, he and I have been friends for over ten years,” I told her. This seemed to surprise her. Owen and I did have a long past together. I remember parties his parents would throw where we would run across the neighborhood in our suits so we could sneak over to my house and play soccer together. Or when my dad would let me down and I’d need someone to talk to…Owen always knew how I felt.
“You’ve had a friend for that long?” she asked, eyes wide. I nodded.
“Yeah, his parents and my mom had been friends in high school. They’re the ones who told her about this neighborhood when it was built,” I told her. She looked dumbstruck.
“Wow, the longest friend I’ve ever had was Elaine. Before that it was this girl I went to grade school with. But that doesn’t really count,” June told me. I was a little puzzled.
I picked up some plates and started to wash them; June picked up a towel and dried them as I handed them to her. We started talking again after we fell into rhythm.
“Why doesn’t grade school girl count?” I asked her. She didn’t answer for a while, picking at a spot on one dish. She looked up as she answered.
“She was telling everyone the secrets I told her. I had always wondered how the other girls knew who I was crushing on. She pretended to be friends with me and made fun of me behind my back,” June told me. I kissed her cheek.
“I would have stuck up for you. I wish we’d have gone to school together. I could have rescued you sooner,” I said.
She shook her head, like it wouldn’t have mattered. I felt very protective of June even though we’d only started dating. Somehow, deep down, I knew we were meant to be. The first time I saw her something inside of me clicked. She was the one. I had never said as much to Paul, though he did know I had been crushing on her bad. You don’t say that love stuff to your guy friends. It makes things weird.
“Thank you,” June said. I looked over at her.
“I didn’t do anything,” I said. She shook her head and we put the dishes away.
“You did so much. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be trapped in that house, no Jillian, nothing. Now I have hope. I haven’t had that in such a long time. Really, I’m so grateful,” she said, wrapping her arms around me. I kissed her for real this time. It was the best kiss ever; her lips were soft and tasted of sweet and sour chicken. It was the perfect kiss. I wondered if she felt the instant fireworks. We pulled apart and she let out a breath.
“Wow,” she said simply. I smiled and stroked her hair as I pulled her closer to me, her head resting on my chest.
“I know exactly how you feel,” I said. We spent an hour standing there. Or maybe it was minutes. I had no concept of time anymore. The whole world seemed to revolve around her.
“Break it up, you two!” Mom yelled as she walked in. We pulled apart, but were still grinning like the Cheshire cat. Mom laughed when she looked at me.
“What?” I asked with a goofy smile. She shook her head and ruffled my hair,
“You two are so in love,” she said. And I knew it was true. I blushed and headed up to my room. I picked up a paint brush and started to paint. I was excited and happy and glad and scared and nervous all at once. It was the strangest mixture of emotions, but I couldn’t contain myself. I stayed up half the night as I painted, and it wasn’t nearly finished when I was too tired to stay awake. I had started to paint June’s face. I had the hair outlined and her eyes weren’t filled in yet, but if you looked closely enough you could tell it was her. I wanted to give the painting to her as soon as I was finished. I wanted her to see how much I felt for her. How strongly I thought of her. I mostly just wanted to kiss her again, though. My lips longed for the touch of hers and I found myself just looking at the painting as I smiled and fell asleep.

Chapter 4

Four-Tess
Jillian was crying and screaming the whole way home and I had James to thank for it. I really felt like calling him up and making him listen to this for fifteen minutes. I carried Jillian inside and set her down in front of the TV to let her calm down with a movie. Today had not been the best; although, it wasn’t at all near the worst. James had approached me first thing in the morning at school and asked me if I was okay, which made absolutely no sense, since I had only seen him briefly at the grocery store before making my excuses and going home. Then he kept trying to talk to me during the day, like he was keeping an eye on me. He seemed to know I’d had a rough night, which was odd, but sweet, considering he was trying to make me feel better. I felt bad for turning down the ice cream, and for being rude, but I really didn’t have the money to waste on a treat. I decided I should call him and apologize for my temper, he’d put his number in my phone at lunch so I could “contact him if I really needed to.” It was a nice gesture, but I think he was over-confident when he put himself in there as “My Hero”.
“Hey, it’s me,” he answered. He sounded distracted.
“Hey, I was just calling to apologize about earlier…Are you okay?” I asked him. He was quiet a moment.
“Yeah, don’t worry about earlier. I understand what a tough time is like. I’m fine, just got some interesting news,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I questioned. There was an intake of breath on the other end.
“My mom asked her girlfriend to move in with us,” James told me. I was floored.
“Your mom has a… I didn’t know your mom was a…” I didn’t know how to finish any of these sentences without sounding offensive. James chuckled on the other end of the line.
“Yeah, she’s gay. It’s fine for you to be shocked, I won’t take it personally. People just aren’t used to it at first,” he said simply.
“So, I guess we don’t like this woman,” I inferred.
“It’s not that, it’s just,” James went on to explain how his mother’s past relationships had worked and how he didn’t know if he could handle seeing another woman around the house. I fed him the best advice I could think of, to take things one day at a time, to try to get to know her better. He agreed and asked to talk to Jillian before he hung up. I walked over to my sister.
“Hey, Jillie, a boy’s on the phone for you,” I said. She took the phone from my hand and said hello. She listened for a little while, laughed, said something about the park, and hung up. Jillian walked over to me and put her arms around me as best she could. “What’s this for?” I asked. Jillian smiled.
“It’s from the boy,” she said, giggling. She sat back down and continued to watch the television. I sat down next to her and started in on my homework.
Dad got home an hour later and demanded that he have something to eat. I looked up at him.
“Dad, we really don’t have anything. Ten dollars got us milk, a box of cereal, and some bananas,” I told him. He walked over and towered over me.
“Are you saying you spent all that money on breakfast?!” Dad yelled. I nodded. He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me into a standing position. “What is wrong with you? Do you know how hard I work? You just sit here watching TV with your sister, do you expect me to do everything for you?!” I shook my head. I never thought that, I had no time to think about how he was doing everything while I was doing everything.
“No, it’s just…someone needs to be with Jillian, she can’t stay home alone,” I said. Dad threw my arm away from him.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about what a hassle that was myself. Probably would be best to send that girl to your grandma’s house for awhile. Then you can get a proper job and start acting your age,” Dad told me. I didn’t know what shocked me more, the fact he wanted to send Jillian away or the fact that he didn’t think I was acting my age.
“Dad, you can’t send her away. She needs me,” I said. What I meant was, I needed her, but Dad would never go for that. Dad shook his head.
“She’ll be better of at Pearl’s. ‘Sides, I already worked it out with her. Grandma Pearl will be here in the morning. Pack your sister’s stuff up, will you,” Dad said. He grabbed something and left the house again. I didn’t know where he was going, and I didn’t care. I was too upset. My phone rang again and I answered it despite the tears falling down my face and my ragged breaths.
“Hello?” I answered shakily.
“Hey, I’ll be there in ten minutes,” James said. He didn’t ask how I was, he simply told me he’d be here. How did he even know where here was? But that didn’t stop him because sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Jillian ran and opened the door. I was sitting on the sofa, curled into a tight ball trying to hold back tears, and failing miserably. “Where’s your sister?” I heard James say.
“Couch,” Jillian responded. He closed the door and I could hear him walking towards me. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back. I didn’t move at first, just kept crying, and he didn’t say anything, just let me get it all out. I had finally regained some semblance of composure and moved myself into a sitting position.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” James asked. I shook my head. I was absolutely not okay.
“Dad’s sending Jillian to go live with our grandma. She lives in Maine. MAINE. I’ll never see her,” I said and new tears burned in my eyes. Talking about it made it worse. Talking made it real. James gathered me in his arms and I just cried.
“It’s going to be all right. Maybe she’ll be better off there,” James said. I looked at him.
“How can she be better off away from me, I’m her sister!” I yelled.
“I know, and this is totally unfair. I don’t know what I can do,” he said. That’s when an idea started to form in my head. We could run away.
“We’ll run,” I said pulling myself upright, out of James’ arms. He looked at me.
“Run? Where would you run to? You don’t mean AWAY, away, do you? He’d have the police after you within minutes of figuring out you’d left,” James told me. I shook my head.
“We have to, it’s the only way. We’d be better off without him. I can get a job; I’ll find us a place for us to live. We’ll show him. We’ll show everyone,” I said. James took my hand.
“I can’t let you do that. If you run things will only get worse. Facing things head on is the only way to go,” he said. Why did he have to shoot down my plan? It was a solid idea, it could work. But then I remembered something.
Once, when I was six, my mother told me we’d run away, we’d escape my father and live on our own. We had everything packed and were about to get into the car when he got home. Mom was almost to the car when he ran at her. I had never seen anything so violent before, especially not from one of my parents. Mom stayed down and I got out of the car to help her. Dad scooped me up and brought me inside instead. He told me Mom was tired and wanted to take a nap. I believed him and I went and slept in my own bed.
Dad would never let us escape. As I realized this my boiling anger turned into stone cold dread. Jillian could escape, Mom escaped, but I couldn’t. James looked very worried.
“I can never escape,” I said. He touched my shoulder.
“You can never escape from what?” James asked. I knew what I was about to say would horrify him, but I felt like I should let him know what he was up against, should my father arrive home soon.
“My dad,” I said simply. He looked extremely concerned.
“What do you mean by that? Is he violent? Does he hit you or Jillian?” He asked.
“Not often, only when he’s angry, which is more often now than I’d like to admit. Gosh, it’s good he’s getting Jillian out of here, even if it is for his own selfish reasons, at least she’ll be safe,” I said. I looked at my sister. She was oblivious to the conversation going on and was playing with a doll, rocking it back and forth. I felt as though the crying had drained me of all possible emotion, I felt numb in a way that I knew I was upset, but I didn’t feel it strongly at all.
“But what about you?” he questioned, “Will you be safe?” I couldn’t answer that one for sure, so I shrugged.
“Who knows, but that’s not important as long as she’s okay. That’s all that really matters to me right now,” I said. I got up and went back into the bedroom I shared with my sister. I pulled out a suitcase from under the bed and began to fill it with Jillian’s things. Her clothes I folded up nicely and her books I stuck on top. James stood in the doorway, watching me. I lifted her bear to my chest and hugged it tightly, tears spilling silently down my cheeks. I only allowed myself to cry now because Dad wouldn’t get the satisfaction of tears if he didn’t see them. I dragged the suitcase to the front door and carried Jillian, who’d fallen asleep in front of the television, into our room. I tucked her in and kissed her forehead, trying hard not to think about this probably being the last time I would ever do this.
I walked into the main room again and sat down on the sofa. James sat down next to me.
“Are you going to be okay?” He asked. I didn’t know why he was here anymore. Most people would flee if they heard someone had a violent parent, wouldn’t they?
“Yes, I will. What are you even doing here?” I asked. He looked hurt.
“Do you think I would leave after hearing something like that? I called you earlier to ask you out on a date. I still want to go out with you, no matter what your father does. I’m used to dads not liking me,” James said. I was blown away. It had been a long time since anyone had cared to ask me out and I was genuinely flattered.
“Oh. Well, I guess we could go out some time, sure,” I said, “dating it is.” He kissed my cheek and stood up.
“You just hang in there, okay? I’ll do whatever you need me to do,” he told me. This sounded totally corny, but there was definitive feeling behind his voice. He sounded as if he were sure of himself in a way I’d never heard anyone be before. It even made me believe hope was out there. I nodded and he left. I walked back into the bedroom and lay down next to my sister. I held Jillian close and cried myself to sleep that night. It wasn’t the first time, and something told me it wouldn’t be the last either.
When I woke up the next morning Jillian was gone. I was outraged. I realized I’d probably exhausted myself with all of the crying I’d done and was so soundly asleep I didn’t hear them. I thought I would have time to say goodbye, but my father had even deprived me of that. I got ready and sped to school. I was there twenty minutes earlier than usual and sat down under a tree near the front steps. Only a few people were there already and it was kind of chilly, but it was better than being at home. I felt safe at school. A few minutes later Elaine was standing next to me.
“I heard about what your dad did. Are you okay?” Elaine asked. James had told her all about Dad sending Jillian away. Oddly enough I wasn’t mad at him, James I mean. How could I be mad when he told her so I would have someone to talk to? Elaine was my best friend after all.
“She was gone when I woke up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hug her one last time. Nothing. And this is all his fault! I hate HIM so much!” I yelled. Elaine sat down next to me and put her arms around me. She told me to let it all out, and I did. I even punched and kicked the tree a few times. It was what I needed to get my frustration out. James arrived a little bit later. My voice was hoarse, so Elaine told him what I had told her. James wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest. He stroked my hair as I cried. I didn’t know how I still had any tears left with all of the crying I’d been doing lately, but I guess I’d been saving up all of my life and today was the day the dam broke.
“It’s going to be alright,” he said. I didn’t know how he could be so sure, but I wanted to believe him more than anything.

Chapter 3

Three-Liam
The next day at school I felt like the night before might have been a dream. I walked up to June outside of school and asked her if she was feeling better. I had seen her at the store and all of the sudden she was crying. She didn’t tell me why, but I had a feeling it had to do with her father. She looked at me like she had no clue what I was talking about.
“I’m fine, thanks. I’ve got to go,” she said suddenly and was walking away. I didn’t understand. She was perfectly fine talking to me yesterday with her sister, Jillian, then she broke down at the store, and now she acted like she didn’t know me.
I was totally confused as I walked over to Paul and Diana. Paul looked at me when I leaned against the wall next to him.
“Dude, you look absolutely confused. Having problems with your girl?” He asked. I shook my head.
“June’s not my girl, she’s a friend. Maybe, she’s a friend, I’m not sure right now,” I said. Paul shook his head.
“That’s why I’m lucky to have this one. She tells me right away what she’s thinking. Don’t you, Diana,” he said. Paul had left me this long message the night before about how he’d asked Diana out. Now they apparently know “everything” about each other.
“You bet your sweet ass I do. I don’t play around. Well, maybe sometimes I do,” she said with a sneaky smile. I rolled my eyes and excused myself from their company. I walked to the art room and stopped at the doorway. June was standing in front of a blank easel, hands shaking. I didn’t know she painted. I watched her contemplate the easel until I was sure she wasn’t going to do anything. I walked up behind her.
“Need advice?” I asked her. She jumped. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. Just thought you’d want some help,” I said. She turned to look at me.
“I’m fine, thanks. I don’t need your help,” June told me coolly. I nodded and walked to a different easel wondering why she was being so cold.
“No worries, I’ve got my own stuff to work on. How’s Jillian?” I asked mixing some paint with my brush. I started painting a bit and she finally spoke up.
“She’s fine. My dad took her out for dinner last night.” I looked over to see how this made her feel. She had her back towards me.
“Well, that’s good. Right? You thought she wouldn’t like spending time with him,” I said, trying to open up a conversation.
“I guess,” she replied, closing down the idea right away. I looked back at my easel and continued to draw the flower that had blossomed in the middle of the page. The bell rang and I put my supplies away before heading to homeroom. Today was going to be interesting to say the least what with Diana and Paul hooking up and June acting odd. Even with that thought, the first half passed by like any other day, nothing special.
At lunch I saw June eating alone and sat down next to her. She didn’t look up, but I knew she could tell I was there. I ate in silence for a few minutes before I realized she wasn’t eating. I nonchalantly slid a bag of pretzel sticks in front of her. She didn’t look at them, just simply slid them back. I pushed them toward her again. This time instead of returning them she took one out of the bag and ate it. I smiled and we continued to eat in silence.
Elaine sat down next to us and looked at me questioningly. I shrugged and she turned to June. June became engrossed in her copy of The Collector, which had been sitting next to her, and didn’t look up. I giggled slightly at June’s concentration abilities. Elaine shot me a puzzled look again.
“What? Can’t a guy sit next to a friend?” I asked. She raised her eyebrow.
“I didn’t know you two were friends,” she said. I nodded and June looked up.
“Didn’t know who were friends?” June asked. I chuckled.
“You and me are friends,” I told her. She shrugged this time.
“Yeah, I guess we are,” she said. What a vote of confidence that was. Elaine stuck her hand towards me.
“Well if you two are friends, I guess I have to be your friend as well,” Elaine said. I nodded and shook her hand.
“It appears to be so,” I said. June shrugged again and went back to her book. One thing I was beginning to notice was June could be absorbed in a book in a matter of seconds. Elaine and I carried on a polite conversation the rest of lunch period. June only looked up once and it was to interject that we were being ridiculous. We were talking about wizard rock; I told her I’d make her a CD so she’d understand.
After school I met with Elaine and June outside of the childcare room and asked if they would like to join me for ice cream. Jillian really wanted to and June said they really couldn’t. This got Jillian crying and I felt like an idiot for bringing it up in front of her.
“Sorry, I should have talked to you beforehand,” I said. She nodded.
“Yes, this will be a treat to take care of,” she said. Jillian took her hand and they walked out to her car together. Elaine stood next to me for a moment. I looked down at her sad face.
“Don’t worry, Jillie, another time,” I told her as they started to walk away.
“She’s just had a rough night, she doesn’t mean to be snide,” Elaine said nodding in June’s direction. I nodded.
“It’s cool, people have rough nights, and I totally get that.” And I did. I had actually seen part of her rough night. Elaine nodded and trailed behind June and her sister.
Paul was waiting for me at the car again, this time Diana was with him. I looked at them.
“Do I have to take her home too?” I asked. I knew I sounded whiny, but I really didn’t want to do that much driving. Diana laughed and Paul shook his head.
“Nah, man, she’s hanging out at my place,” Paul said. I smirked.
“Remember, kids, use protection,” I fake lectured. Paul laughed.
“Oh, we do,” Diana said with a sly look in her eye. Paul nodded and I just got into the car. I knew they were both joking, but still, awkward. I drove them to Paul’s house, the two of them in the back, and went back to my own thinking about how I never wanted to do that again.
Mom’s car was in the garage and that was not a usual thing. Mom usually was at work until five. I walked inside and she was sitting at the counter, looking down at her hands. I walked over to her.
“Mom? Are you okay?” I asked. She seemed startled at my voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. There’s just something I want to discuss with you,” Mom said. I sat down next to her.
“Sure, what is it?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know. She took in a deep breath.
“You know Louise and I have been dating a long time,” yeah, a year, which was good for mom, “well, I invited her to live with us.” I was only slightly stunned. Louise was Mom’s longest relationship since Dad and only the second one of her girlfriends that I had met. She had never asked anyone to move in before, that’s what shocked me.
“Mom, that’s great. I’m happy for you,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure I was. I kept thinking how weird it was going to be with another woman in the house another anyone in the house would be weird. Mom smiled so wide and grabbed me into a huge hug.
“Thank you! I was so worried you weren’t going to be okay with this. I mean, if that would have happened, I would understand, I would seriously rethink it, but I’m glad that you are!” Mom told me.
I wasn’t really okay with it, well I was trying to be, but I wasn’t one hundred percent. I knew it was hypocritical to say I supported my mom fully in her homosexuality and then think it was wrong for her girlfriend to move in, but that was how I felt. I knew I’d probably feel the same if it had been a man moving in, but I still felt bad about not really wanting Louise and my mom to have a happy home together.
I called up Paul after attempting to call Owen, one of my best friends since I was little. Owen’s parents were good friends with mine while they were still together and we moved into the subdivision around the same time. Owen and I practically knew each other since birth, but since he went to private school, it was harder to keep in touch. I knew he was busy after the third call, and I didn’t leave a message. Paul knew my parents were divorced, but not that my mom was gay. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, dude. What’s going on?” he answered. I let out a breath.
“My mom’s girlfriend is moving in, and I’m freaking out,” I told him. He was silent for a minute.
“That seems reasonable to me, freaking out. I mean if my mom told me someone she was seeing was going to be moving in, I’d be a little upset too,” Paul said. I wondered if he hadn’t heard me say girlfriend.
“Dude, it’s a woman though,” I said. Paul chuckled a little.
“Yeah, I heard that part. What does that matter though? It’s the person your mom loves. All you have to is be as supportive as you can,” he told me. I knew he was right. When had Paul become so smart?
“Thanks, man, really,” I said.
“Don’t even worry about it. You’re a good friend; I’m just trying to do the same.”

Chapter 2

Two-Tess
I woke up to Jillian tugging on my sleeve. I looked over at my three year old sister, and then at the clock. It was two A.M.
“What’s wrong, Jill?” I asked her as I sat up. She took her thumb out of her mouth to speak to me.
“I’s gotta go pee,” Jillian told me. I got up and led her to the bathroom. I was lucky she woke me up. The last time she had to use the restroom at night, she hadn’t bothered to get up. That’s right, she peed the bed. It was quite the rude awakening. Not only did she cry and get the bed we shared completely soaked, she had also woken up our father, who did not take kindly to being up at three in the morning.
I helped her wash her hands and led her back to the bed. I tucked her in again and she smiled sleepily up at me.
“Good night, Mommy,” Jillian said before falling into the warm arms of sleep. This was the part of my life that killed me. I was not her mother, and I thought she knew that, but she forgot at times. I can see how this would be confusing to a two year old who’d lost her mother before her first birthday, but it still stung when she’d mistake me for our mother.
Dad hated her calling me Mom more than I did. I had learned to try to cover it up for her, because Dad would get pretty angry. I could deal with his anger, but Jillian shouldn’t have to. Dad worked long hours at his architecture business, and was still trying to build up clientele. This left only one option for Jillian during the day. I’d take her to school with me, because we had no one outside of the three of us and there was no way for us to afford proper day care, and drop her off with the children of other high school students, which didn’t help me when I tried to tell people she was my sister. It hadn’t been hard to convince the woman who watched the children, Mrs. Phillips, to let Jillian stay as well, even if she wasn’t my child.
I wasn’t tired anymore so I went into the family room and pulled a book of poems off of the shelf. It was one of Mom’s old books, and I never read them when Dad was around, he didn’t like thinking about Mom. At least, he didn’t like to think about her the way she was at the end, I didn’t like to think of her that way either.
Mom dissolved into a wave of depression that started shortly after the birth of my sister. I didn’t notice it much at first. There were small clues, she’d leave to go grocery shopping and return an hour later without even a carton of milk. Things got progressively worse from there. I would come home some days to the sound of Jillian screaming and my mom simply staring into space, paying the baby no mind. I would tell my dad about this and he would choose to ignore it, telling me Mom was just a little stressed, that she’d pull out of the funk soon. But she didn’t. Instead of pulling through, she did the worst thing imaginable.
I was the one to find her, passed out on the sofa, an empty pill bottle on the floor next to it. I called for 911 in a daze; I was in complete and total shock. When I heard the sirens approach I picked up Jillian and held her close. I didn’t call Dad, was still at his office so I left that up to the hospital; Jillian was the only one I had left. When Dad barged into the ER later that day, eyes wild, I was the one to tell him. He still didn’t want to believe it.
I flipped through a few pages and closed the book. When I had replaced the book on the shelf I turned around to see my dad enter the house. He startled me and I let out a small yelp.
“Tess? What in the world are you doing awake?” Dad demanded of me. I shrugged.
“Jillian had to use the restroom and I couldn’t get back to sleep after she woke me,” I replied. He didn’t look happy to see me awake, no matter what the excuse.
“You should go to bed, now. Jillian has a doctor’s appointment I need you to take her to in the morning,” he said.
“Dad, I can’t. I have a huge test first…” he cut me off mid-protest.
“You can always make up the test. Tess, I need you to do this, for me. For Jillian. Do you not care about Jillian?” He questioned. I felt stricken.
“Of course I care about Jillian. I…” He nodded, as if the conversation were over.
“Good, the appointment’s at eight,” he told me, walking to his room. I couldn’t believe this. I had spent the whole previous evening studying for this history test, and I was going to miss it. I walked sulkily back into my room, angry that Dad could make me feel bad for wanting to take a test.
I woke Jillian up at seven and helped her get dressed for the day. Then I sat down with her and poured some cereal for the both of us. My dad was still in his room, asleep. I knew Dad could have taken her, but I knew what would happen if I told him that. So Jillian and I buckled into the car and took off towards the doctor’s office.
After the appointment, which took almost two hours, I drove to school in a hurry. Jillian and I ran up the stairs to the childcare room and I signed her in just as the ending bell for second period rang. Great. My next class was on the opposite side of the building and I had ten minutes to get there.
I made it in my seat just in time. I looked around the room and caught someone staring at me. It was James. I had encountered James before, he and I had gone to school together as long as I could remember, and this wasn’t the first time I caught him looking my way. Sometimes, on his way to his car after school, I would find him watching me practice.
I played a few sports, soccer being my favorite. I loved being goalie because it meant I could stop a team from beating my team. My coaches all told me I was a natural and other teams feared me. My friend Elaine, who stayed on the sidelines watching Jill, nicknamed me the Iron Wall and it stuck. During games I could look into the crowd and see signs made just for me. Behind these signs were schoolmates, parents, teachers, none of them were my dad.
I locked eyes with James and he smiled, I quickly turned away, my cheeks aflame. One of the things I was not good at was boys. Sure I had one boyfriend freshmen year, but he dumped me because I was a better goalie. I remembered thinking that if men were that chauvinistic, then I was better off without one.
Elaine came up behind me after school and we walked to pick up Jillian together.
“So, I saw James staring at you again today when you came in late. I think he has a definite crush,” Elaine told me. I shook my head.
“Probably not,” I said, even though I secretly hoped he did. James wasn’t overly attractive in the classical sense of the word, but that’s one of the things I liked about him. He didn’t try to look good; he groomed properly, and simply let himself show. I found that extremely alluring, this being a trait most artists have. James was indeed an artist and sometimes, while he was painting, I would stand in the doorway of the art room and simply watch him. The drive he had had to come from some inward emotion he was setting free and I wished I could set my emotions free in the beautiful way he did.
“Why do you always say that? Why can’t a guy like you?” Elaine asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know, I’m too quiet, I’m not as pretty as most girls, I’m better at soccer,” I said, and that was just the beginning of the list. “Let’s just drop it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it, so we won’t.” Elaine nodded knowing full well when I deemed a conversation over, it was over. We signed Jillian out and she took one of my hands. “How was school today?” I asked her. Jillian always said since I was in school, she was in school.
I thought to myself that this was also one of the reasons I couldn’t get a man. I was too busy playing mommy to my little sister. I loved Jillian to no end, but sometimes it got lonely to have the only one keeping you company be a two year old.
“Good, Miss Fiwips let us color!” She said holding out a picture to me. I smiled at the colored in picture of a teddy bear. We had made it to the bottom of the steps and were face to face with James. He knelt down in front of Jillian so they were face to face.
“Hey there, Jillie, how are you today?” He asked. How did this guy know my sister? Jillian recognized him right away.
“Good! I drewed today! Like you!” The toddler yelled in excitement. I showed him the picture so as to prove her honesty. He took the picture from my hand and pretended to examine it. The faces he made had not only Jillian giggling, but me as well. Elaine had stepped to the side and started to look intently at the floor tiles.
“Wow, this is amazing,” he said, “much better than all of my doodling.” I smiled. This guy was good with kids. He stood up then and looked at me. Elaine took Jillian out to the field because she’d started to pull on my hand. It was just me and James. “Your daughter’s adorable,” he told me. My face burned.
“She’s not my daughter,” I said pointedly. He looked shocked.
“Oh, sorry, she just said…” I knew what she said, she always said that.
“She’s two, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s my sister,” I said with a bit more edge than was probably necessary.
“Sorry, I didn’t know. Either way, she’s a cute kid. Makes me wish I weren’t an only child,” James said.
“Try waking up with her at night when she has to pee or is screaming from a nightmare she can’t explain,” I wanted to say. What I really said was, “She is my favorite person in the whole world.” She really was, no matter how much she could irritate me, I loved Jillian more than anything. He smiled.
“See, that’s so sweet. I bet that she gets it from you. Influences go a long way,” James said. I smiled and caught sight of the clock.
“Dammit, I’m going to be late to practice!” I said shooting right past him.
“Bye, Tess!” He called after me. I was glad to already be running, my now red face out of sight. I was late for practice and consequently had to run three extra laps around the field.
I was exhausted by the time we arrived home. Jillian ran inside and turned on one of her favorite kids videos. It was one of my favorites when I was little as well, Thumbelina. I still knew all the words to the songs, and sat down next to her on the sofa.
After Prince Cornelius left to tell his parents about Thumbelina I got up to make dinner. I checked the freezer and saw a frozen pizza. I put it in the oven and sat back down with Jillian.
We had just finished eating when the song “Marry the Mole” came on, it was one of the last songs in the movie. I picked Jill up and we were dancing around the room. The door banged open and I froze, Jillian in my arms. Dad looked angry, he usually did.
“What in the world are you two doing?!” He demanded. Jillian buried her head in my chest.
“We were watching a movie,” I said. He raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, and watching a movie requires dancing around like an idiot? Grow up, Tess. Now go get your keys and get us some more groceries,” he said giving me a ten dollar bill. I didn’t even tell him that ten dollars wasn’t going to get much. I simply started walking to the door with Jillian still in my arms. “Don’t take the kid with you. She’ll just make a damn mess,” Dad said. I started to put Jillian down, but she was clinging to my neck.
“Its fine, Dad, I can handle her,” I said. He walked over to me and yanked Jillian from my arms. She started screaming and my heart started pounding. “No, Dad, really I can…” Dad shoved me towards the door, making it obvious I was to leave without her. I ran out to the car and locked the doors. I was breathing heavily and my hands were shaking as I started the car and drove to the store.
I was looking for the cheapest milk when James came into view. Why was he suddenly everywhere?
“Hey! Traveling alone?” James asked. I nodded and tried not to think about leaving Jillian alone with our father. “Are you alright?” He asked me.
“Yeah, Jill’s with our dad…” I said, not sure how to finish that sentence. Apparently my eyes knew, because I started to cry right there in the store. I made my excuses for it.
“My eyes are just irritated,” I said. “I’ve had my contacts in for too long.” He didn’t seem to buy it, but he didn’t question any further. He simply joked around with me, making me laugh. I appreciated it, and I figured he knew I did. We didn’t talk much during our time at the grocery store. The longest conversation went something like this.
James: “So, is Cap’n Crunch your favorite cereal?”
Me: “No, but it is Jillian’s. I’d rather eat that than her eating something she doesn’t want to.”
James: “Why don’t you get two boxes?”
Me: “Because we only need one box.” I didn’t mention the fact that we could only really afford one anyhow.
James: “So what IS your favorite cereal?”
Me: “Probably Lucky Charms.”
James: “Ah, that’s one of my favorites as well.”
This was followed by more silence. Then we checked out and the whole thing was over. I really hoped he would forget the crying part.