Chapter 2

Two-Tess
I woke up to Jillian tugging on my sleeve. I looked over at my three year old sister, and then at the clock. It was two A.M.
“What’s wrong, Jill?” I asked her as I sat up. She took her thumb out of her mouth to speak to me.
“I’s gotta go pee,” Jillian told me. I got up and led her to the bathroom. I was lucky she woke me up. The last time she had to use the restroom at night, she hadn’t bothered to get up. That’s right, she peed the bed. It was quite the rude awakening. Not only did she cry and get the bed we shared completely soaked, she had also woken up our father, who did not take kindly to being up at three in the morning.
I helped her wash her hands and led her back to the bed. I tucked her in again and she smiled sleepily up at me.
“Good night, Mommy,” Jillian said before falling into the warm arms of sleep. This was the part of my life that killed me. I was not her mother, and I thought she knew that, but she forgot at times. I can see how this would be confusing to a two year old who’d lost her mother before her first birthday, but it still stung when she’d mistake me for our mother.
Dad hated her calling me Mom more than I did. I had learned to try to cover it up for her, because Dad would get pretty angry. I could deal with his anger, but Jillian shouldn’t have to. Dad worked long hours at his architecture business, and was still trying to build up clientele. This left only one option for Jillian during the day. I’d take her to school with me, because we had no one outside of the three of us and there was no way for us to afford proper day care, and drop her off with the children of other high school students, which didn’t help me when I tried to tell people she was my sister. It hadn’t been hard to convince the woman who watched the children, Mrs. Phillips, to let Jillian stay as well, even if she wasn’t my child.
I wasn’t tired anymore so I went into the family room and pulled a book of poems off of the shelf. It was one of Mom’s old books, and I never read them when Dad was around, he didn’t like thinking about Mom. At least, he didn’t like to think about her the way she was at the end, I didn’t like to think of her that way either.
Mom dissolved into a wave of depression that started shortly after the birth of my sister. I didn’t notice it much at first. There were small clues, she’d leave to go grocery shopping and return an hour later without even a carton of milk. Things got progressively worse from there. I would come home some days to the sound of Jillian screaming and my mom simply staring into space, paying the baby no mind. I would tell my dad about this and he would choose to ignore it, telling me Mom was just a little stressed, that she’d pull out of the funk soon. But she didn’t. Instead of pulling through, she did the worst thing imaginable.
I was the one to find her, passed out on the sofa, an empty pill bottle on the floor next to it. I called for 911 in a daze; I was in complete and total shock. When I heard the sirens approach I picked up Jillian and held her close. I didn’t call Dad, was still at his office so I left that up to the hospital; Jillian was the only one I had left. When Dad barged into the ER later that day, eyes wild, I was the one to tell him. He still didn’t want to believe it.
I flipped through a few pages and closed the book. When I had replaced the book on the shelf I turned around to see my dad enter the house. He startled me and I let out a small yelp.
“Tess? What in the world are you doing awake?” Dad demanded of me. I shrugged.
“Jillian had to use the restroom and I couldn’t get back to sleep after she woke me,” I replied. He didn’t look happy to see me awake, no matter what the excuse.
“You should go to bed, now. Jillian has a doctor’s appointment I need you to take her to in the morning,” he said.
“Dad, I can’t. I have a huge test first…” he cut me off mid-protest.
“You can always make up the test. Tess, I need you to do this, for me. For Jillian. Do you not care about Jillian?” He questioned. I felt stricken.
“Of course I care about Jillian. I…” He nodded, as if the conversation were over.
“Good, the appointment’s at eight,” he told me, walking to his room. I couldn’t believe this. I had spent the whole previous evening studying for this history test, and I was going to miss it. I walked sulkily back into my room, angry that Dad could make me feel bad for wanting to take a test.
I woke Jillian up at seven and helped her get dressed for the day. Then I sat down with her and poured some cereal for the both of us. My dad was still in his room, asleep. I knew Dad could have taken her, but I knew what would happen if I told him that. So Jillian and I buckled into the car and took off towards the doctor’s office.
After the appointment, which took almost two hours, I drove to school in a hurry. Jillian and I ran up the stairs to the childcare room and I signed her in just as the ending bell for second period rang. Great. My next class was on the opposite side of the building and I had ten minutes to get there.
I made it in my seat just in time. I looked around the room and caught someone staring at me. It was James. I had encountered James before, he and I had gone to school together as long as I could remember, and this wasn’t the first time I caught him looking my way. Sometimes, on his way to his car after school, I would find him watching me practice.
I played a few sports, soccer being my favorite. I loved being goalie because it meant I could stop a team from beating my team. My coaches all told me I was a natural and other teams feared me. My friend Elaine, who stayed on the sidelines watching Jill, nicknamed me the Iron Wall and it stuck. During games I could look into the crowd and see signs made just for me. Behind these signs were schoolmates, parents, teachers, none of them were my dad.
I locked eyes with James and he smiled, I quickly turned away, my cheeks aflame. One of the things I was not good at was boys. Sure I had one boyfriend freshmen year, but he dumped me because I was a better goalie. I remembered thinking that if men were that chauvinistic, then I was better off without one.
Elaine came up behind me after school and we walked to pick up Jillian together.
“So, I saw James staring at you again today when you came in late. I think he has a definite crush,” Elaine told me. I shook my head.
“Probably not,” I said, even though I secretly hoped he did. James wasn’t overly attractive in the classical sense of the word, but that’s one of the things I liked about him. He didn’t try to look good; he groomed properly, and simply let himself show. I found that extremely alluring, this being a trait most artists have. James was indeed an artist and sometimes, while he was painting, I would stand in the doorway of the art room and simply watch him. The drive he had had to come from some inward emotion he was setting free and I wished I could set my emotions free in the beautiful way he did.
“Why do you always say that? Why can’t a guy like you?” Elaine asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know, I’m too quiet, I’m not as pretty as most girls, I’m better at soccer,” I said, and that was just the beginning of the list. “Let’s just drop it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it, so we won’t.” Elaine nodded knowing full well when I deemed a conversation over, it was over. We signed Jillian out and she took one of my hands. “How was school today?” I asked her. Jillian always said since I was in school, she was in school.
I thought to myself that this was also one of the reasons I couldn’t get a man. I was too busy playing mommy to my little sister. I loved Jillian to no end, but sometimes it got lonely to have the only one keeping you company be a two year old.
“Good, Miss Fiwips let us color!” She said holding out a picture to me. I smiled at the colored in picture of a teddy bear. We had made it to the bottom of the steps and were face to face with James. He knelt down in front of Jillian so they were face to face.
“Hey there, Jillie, how are you today?” He asked. How did this guy know my sister? Jillian recognized him right away.
“Good! I drewed today! Like you!” The toddler yelled in excitement. I showed him the picture so as to prove her honesty. He took the picture from my hand and pretended to examine it. The faces he made had not only Jillian giggling, but me as well. Elaine had stepped to the side and started to look intently at the floor tiles.
“Wow, this is amazing,” he said, “much better than all of my doodling.” I smiled. This guy was good with kids. He stood up then and looked at me. Elaine took Jillian out to the field because she’d started to pull on my hand. It was just me and James. “Your daughter’s adorable,” he told me. My face burned.
“She’s not my daughter,” I said pointedly. He looked shocked.
“Oh, sorry, she just said…” I knew what she said, she always said that.
“She’s two, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s my sister,” I said with a bit more edge than was probably necessary.
“Sorry, I didn’t know. Either way, she’s a cute kid. Makes me wish I weren’t an only child,” James said.
“Try waking up with her at night when she has to pee or is screaming from a nightmare she can’t explain,” I wanted to say. What I really said was, “She is my favorite person in the whole world.” She really was, no matter how much she could irritate me, I loved Jillian more than anything. He smiled.
“See, that’s so sweet. I bet that she gets it from you. Influences go a long way,” James said. I smiled and caught sight of the clock.
“Dammit, I’m going to be late to practice!” I said shooting right past him.
“Bye, Tess!” He called after me. I was glad to already be running, my now red face out of sight. I was late for practice and consequently had to run three extra laps around the field.
I was exhausted by the time we arrived home. Jillian ran inside and turned on one of her favorite kids videos. It was one of my favorites when I was little as well, Thumbelina. I still knew all the words to the songs, and sat down next to her on the sofa.
After Prince Cornelius left to tell his parents about Thumbelina I got up to make dinner. I checked the freezer and saw a frozen pizza. I put it in the oven and sat back down with Jillian.
We had just finished eating when the song “Marry the Mole” came on, it was one of the last songs in the movie. I picked Jill up and we were dancing around the room. The door banged open and I froze, Jillian in my arms. Dad looked angry, he usually did.
“What in the world are you two doing?!” He demanded. Jillian buried her head in my chest.
“We were watching a movie,” I said. He raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, and watching a movie requires dancing around like an idiot? Grow up, Tess. Now go get your keys and get us some more groceries,” he said giving me a ten dollar bill. I didn’t even tell him that ten dollars wasn’t going to get much. I simply started walking to the door with Jillian still in my arms. “Don’t take the kid with you. She’ll just make a damn mess,” Dad said. I started to put Jillian down, but she was clinging to my neck.
“Its fine, Dad, I can handle her,” I said. He walked over to me and yanked Jillian from my arms. She started screaming and my heart started pounding. “No, Dad, really I can…” Dad shoved me towards the door, making it obvious I was to leave without her. I ran out to the car and locked the doors. I was breathing heavily and my hands were shaking as I started the car and drove to the store.
I was looking for the cheapest milk when James came into view. Why was he suddenly everywhere?
“Hey! Traveling alone?” James asked. I nodded and tried not to think about leaving Jillian alone with our father. “Are you alright?” He asked me.
“Yeah, Jill’s with our dad…” I said, not sure how to finish that sentence. Apparently my eyes knew, because I started to cry right there in the store. I made my excuses for it.
“My eyes are just irritated,” I said. “I’ve had my contacts in for too long.” He didn’t seem to buy it, but he didn’t question any further. He simply joked around with me, making me laugh. I appreciated it, and I figured he knew I did. We didn’t talk much during our time at the grocery store. The longest conversation went something like this.
James: “So, is Cap’n Crunch your favorite cereal?”
Me: “No, but it is Jillian’s. I’d rather eat that than her eating something she doesn’t want to.”
James: “Why don’t you get two boxes?”
Me: “Because we only need one box.” I didn’t mention the fact that we could only really afford one anyhow.
James: “So what IS your favorite cereal?”
Me: “Probably Lucky Charms.”
James: “Ah, that’s one of my favorites as well.”
This was followed by more silence. Then we checked out and the whole thing was over. I really hoped he would forget the crying part.