I am the Ears

She looks at herself in the mirror one more time before exiting the house. I follow behind her without thinking as we get into her car and she turns up the radio. It’s a new CD, she always has a new CD. It’s a band she has “recently become obsessed with”. Like I haven’t heard that before. As she drives she sings loudly and I wonder if she looked all the lyrics up on the internet. Anything to appear like she knows it all. She does this almost every time I see her and I wonder why it has suddenly become so painfully obvious to me.
That’s right.
I’ve been away from her so long I’m starting to notice all of the things proximity friendships hide. I was always just minutes away from her that it seemed easier to go to her place and hang out than to drive to another one of my friends’ houses.
Distance doesn’t matter anymore. Except right now. Right now when I would give almost anything to not be in this car with her.
“Ooops,” she says as she makes a hasty right turn and nearly runs over a curb. A classic move. She’s one of the worst drivers I know and yet she always complains when someone is driving too fast.
She turns the radio down and asks me about college boys. That’s all she wants to know about. College boys. As if boys suddenly mature once they hit university. Earth to CosmoGirl, that’s not how it works. I tell her the usual, I’m still single. Not that it really matters, I’m not really into dating or love, or any of that other shit TV and magazines try to trick us into believing can “work out”.
She talks about Charlieissocoollike and how funny he is. How she wants to marry him someday. I have Charlie’s latest album. I downloaded it the day it came out. She acts like he only exists for her.
She acts like she doesn’t care what she looks like when she goes out. She tells me she looks like shit every twenty minutes. I don’t say anything. I know she really doesn’t want me to. She doesn’t want to know that I have these thoughts about her. Negative thoughts. She would rather me constantly tell her she’s beautiful and that everything will work out.
I used to be that person for her. The person who would console her when she cried. The friend who laughed about everything with her. But it can never be that way again. Because once you find the flaws, they don’t suddenly evaporate or even shrink a little.
At first you notice how she does most of the talking. Then you notice how she only asks about your life in terms of boys. Then you realize she complains about everything even when you have problems that are bigger. But I never tell her my problems. She doesn’t really want to hear them.
She pretends like she is this tortured soul. This girl misfortune barfed on. She is not really that girl. You can see it in the way she smiles and the car she drives. The way she talks about her problems so openly and often. Those are the problems of girls who can’t decide what dress they should wear to the dance.
Oh the tragedy.
I never tell her my problems. One day she notices this and gets angry. Suddenly I am distant and not very communicative in our friendship. I do not tell her I was always just the ears. She wouldn’t comprehend.
I have always been the ears listens to her friends.

I Hope This Will Tide You Over

“That other stuff impacts people too. There would be a lot of sad people if the world went on a day without you.” I kissed him and we walked inside together. The first thing I experienced when the door opened unto their living room was the smell of food. It was a mixture of bread and some sort of pasta. It was divine. Then, out of nowhere Tito’s mom walks over and embraced me. I had never been hugged by a stranger before, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
His mom was on the shorter side, which is not too unusual for me because I’m kind of tall, being a volleyball player. She had short blonde hair and her eyes were a sort of aquamarine color.
It was only two o’clock so Tito’s younger siblings were still in school for another forty-five minutes. His dad and older sister were both working which left his mom at home with his niece, which she didn’t mind. Shiloh was the most adorable baby I had ever seen. Lucy, as I was instructed to call Tito’s mother, led us into further into the living room and we sat down on the couch.
“So, Gabriella, tell me a bit about yourself,” Lucy said.
“Umm,” I didn’t want to correct her on my name, but I knew if I didn’t do it now, I would never be able to do it. “Well, my name is GabriELLE. And I used to play volleyball.” She rocked Shiloh in her arms.
“Really, volleyball. Well that’s a great sport. Did you just decide not to play in college?” Lucy asked. I bit my lip. I forgot to ask Tito if he told his family about my eating disorder. It was looking more and more like he hadn’t. No big deal, they didn’t need to know.
“I decided to focus more on my studies,” I told her.
“Well, that’s good. What exactly are you studying?”
“Theater, actually. What did you study in college?”
“Oh, I studied the culinary arts,” she told me. No wonder her food smelled so good. That and the fact she had all the time to practice with all the meals she made for her family. I suppose that was a bit of a harsh thought.
“No wonder everything smells so good,” I told her. Not that I would eat any of it. Okay, the bad thoughts were just flowing. I reached out and took Shiloh into my own arms. She was fussy for a little bit, but she eventually quieted down and fell asleep right in my arms.
“You are really good with babies,” Tito told me as his mom went to check on the food. I shrugged.
“I guess it was a hidden talent.” He smiled and put an arm around me. We talked in hushed voices for a little while. Then Lucy walked back into the room and there was a flash.
“Sorry,” she said as I blinked a few times and Tito scooted back. “You guys just looked so adorable. Just like she was your own.” This statement made me completely and totally uncomfortable. I shifted, stood, and put the baby in her crib. “Oh, Gabrielle, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” I shook my head.
“It’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting a picture,” I said to her. “Or for you to be expecting children of me.” I said under my breath to Tito. He nudged me lightly. Did all mothers think the girls their sons brought home from college were going to be “the one”? I surely hoped not. I wasn’t ready for marriage, and I definitely wasn’t ready for a baby. I wasn’t able to take care of myself, much less another human being. The whole thought process was stressing me out.
“Earth to Gabs,” Tito whispered in my ear. I blinked again.
“Yes?” I asked.
“You zoned out and your face went white.” I bit my lip, that sounded like something that might have happened.
“Sorry, thinking about other things.” Lucy nodded.
“Alright, well Gabrielle, tell me more about yourself. There must be more to you than volleyball and theater. What did you do this past summer?” Wow, how in the world was I going to answer that question? Luckily I didn’t have to, for a that moment Tito’s siblings walked through the front door. Lucas was taller than I’d expected, mostly because I expected him to be shorter than Tito. Hailey and Isadora weren’t very tall, both of them around their mother’s height, maybe an inch taller. Tito stood up to greet them and I felt myself sink back into the couch cushion.
He ruffled Lucas’ hair and gave his sisters a hug. Then they all turned to me.
“Guys, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Gabrielle,” Tito said. I stood up then because, just as I had feared, I wouldn’t be able to fully submerge myself in the sofa. Hailey was the first to welcome me. She, like her mother, gave me a big hug.
“Wow, you are so thin!” Hailey exclaimed. “How are you able to be that thin?! I mean, I eat a piece of cake and half to run a mile and still I gain a pound.” Tito looked at me warily.
“God, Hailey, be more concerned about how much you weigh, why don’t you,” Isadora said.
“Dora, that is no way to talk to your sister,” Lucy told her.
“Sorry, Mom, but someone has to tell her it isn’t healthy to build a complex.”
“Guys, could you please stop talking about this in front of Gabrielle?” Tito asked of his family. Of course they all looked at him. “What? I just think it isn’t something to argue about right now.” They shrugged and Lucas walked over to stand beside me.
“So, you’re Gabrielle,” Lucas said. I nodded. “How’d you end up with a guy like that?”
“Well, he’s a great guy, and he’s very nice and…and why do you care?” I asked.
“Just wondering,” he said with a little move of his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.
“Well, don’t,” I told him in a clipped voice. Lucas shrugged and went into the kitchen.
“Mom, can I have some of this bread?!” Lucas shouted behind him.
“No, the bread is for dinner!” Lucy shouted back. “I want there to be plenty for our guest.” I shook my head.
“Actually, my stomach is a bit upset,” I told her. “Your food does smell delicious though.” Tito gave me a concerned look.
“Are you sure? You could just be hungry,” he told me. Lucy nodded in agreement.
“He’s probably right, you’re probably just hungry. Just wait until dinner. Tito, why don’t you show her to the guest room, she can maybe take a nap if she needs to.” Tito nodded, grabbed my bag and led me up the stairs. I followed him into a bedroom and sat down on the bed.
“So, you didn’t tell them,” I stated. He shook his head.
“No, I didn’t. I figured if you wanted them to know, you would tell them.” I pulled him onto the bed and rested my head on his shoulder.
“How can I tell them? They’ll look at me like I’m insane. I mean, you saw how your sister reacted. Of course thinking about food the way I do is unhealthy! I can’t look at anything edible and not think about how I shouldn’t be eating it.” Tito put his arms around me.
“I know, but you can’t just give up now. You went through all that treatment, you can do this, I know you can.” I nodded. He was right. That first month of treatment was almost unbearable, but I made it. I was still in the recovery process, that was all.
“You’re right, I just have to take it one meal at a time and I’ll be fine,” I said. He nodded, kissed my cheek, and then we went back downstairs.

Dinner started about an hour and a half later when Tito’s dad, Thomas, got home from work. It was like being in the fifties. We sat around one big table and passed the dishes clockwise around the table. The conversation was light, sticking mostly to Tito’s classes and how school was for his siblings. Hailey was up for the lead in the play, whatever it was going to be, and Isadora was getting pissed about the way stage crew was running.
“The crew leader, Meg, she doesn’t even show up to practices! How are we supposed to build a set if the crew leader isn’t there?! God, I should’ve been crew leader, I’m only a Junior, but still!” Lucy patted her arm.
“I’m sorry, honey, I’ll bet you get it next time.”
“Meg is in charge?” Tito asked. Isadora nodded. “Is she that girl who followed me around last year?” Hailey nodded vigorously.
“Yes! I remember that! She was like a stalker or something.” Tito looked over at me.
“She stole one of my shoes out of the house. I don’t even know how she did it. Just one day I was at school and she handed it to me.”
“Didn’t she say ‘thank you’ or something?” Lucas added. Tito nodded.
“She did!” He exclaimed. That was a very weird story to hear. I wondered if anyone ever liked me so much they would stalk me and steal things from my house. I then wondered why I thought having a stalker would be a good thing. It really wouldn’t.
“Freaky,” I said with a little laugh.
“Do you think you’ll be in town for the play?” Hailey asked Tito.
“I might be able to arrange it,” he said. She smiled and I could tell she was hoping he would make it. And I could tell he was going to be there.
“You should come too,” Hailey told me excitedly. I nodded my head.
“If I can, I will,” I told her. Lucas smiled.
“That would be a good weekend,” Lucas said. I shifted in my seat. Something about him made me nervous. I thought about this the rest of dinner as the light conversation danced in the air, the cadence of their voices familiar and strange at the same time. It was like a song I had heard, but it had been so long ago I barely remembered the words.

The next day Tito brought me over to his friend Shawn’s house to meet him and hang out. When we pulled into the driveway Tito looked over at me, no doubt to see if I was freaking out as much as I was when we got to his house. I wasn’t. In fact, I was barely feeling nervous about meeting his friend at all. After all, he was our age and I doubted he would judge me. We walked up to the door and Tito knocked on the door. The door swung open and standing there was a tall, lanky guy with mousy black hair and beady gray eyes. Not the type of guy I pictured Tito hanging out with. He pulled me into a hug first and my whole body felt itchy in his grasp. I can’t really describe it beyond that, but it was uncomfortable. Like he’d been wearing an invisible wool shirt.
“You must be Gabby,” Shawn said. I bit my lip, I hated being called Gabby.
“Yeah, this is Gabrielle. How you been, man?” Tito said as they did some sort of elaborate handshake. Obviously they were close friends. I could tell it had to have taken a bit of time to create that handshake. Much less perfect it to the degree they had.
“So, what do you guys do when you hang out?” I asked them.
“Well, we usually play Super Smash Bros. until one of us can’t take it anymore,” Shawn told me. Oh, this sounded like a treat…
“Have you ever played?” Tito asked. I shook my head.
“A n00b! Yes!!!” Shawn shouted as he headed down the stairs to his basement. I followed Tito downstairs as well and wondered how I could get out of this. Answer, I couldn’t. I just had to stay and watch. This is one thing girlfriends only have to do if they a.) like video games, b.) owe their boyfriend big time, or c.) have nothing else to do. I supposed I was both of the latter. I owed him for Isaac and I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.
I watched them play that game for an hour and a half. I luckily only had to play one round, “so I wasn’t considered a n00b”, and was able to text some people while they were playing. From what I inferred, they were each characters from other video games who had to fight each other until they ran out of lives. Then they switched characters and fought all over again. It was pretty boring as far as I was concerned. But the two of them looked like they were having the most fun they were capable of having.
After this grueling amount of time, I was to eat another meal with Tito’s family. Thomas had picked a Chinese place for us to eat, since it was his birthday. This would be great, I could get another fortune for myself. This was one of the only aspects of the meal I was looking forward to. Food itself made me rather uncomfortable and having to sit and eat with people who had no idea about my struggle was pretty difficult. Tito took my hand as we approached the restaurant.
“You’re doing a great job, Gabs. Seriously. I know you can make it through lunch,” he told me. But him just saying the word lunch made my head crazy and my stomach turned. I pulled back.
“No, I can’t do this. Not right now. Maybe I’ll try again later,” I said as I started to ease my way back to his car. He stood his ground, his hand still in mine.
“Gabrielle, you can do this, I promise.” He walked back to me and put his arm around my shoulders. “You can do this.” He kept saying. After about two minutes of this I took his hand again and we walked inside together. The family had a table reserved and Lucas was the only one there. He was leaning his head on the palm of his hand, his elbow resting on the table. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or not, but his eyes were closed. Tito and I sat down across the table from him. He didn’t budge. So Tito picked up a straw, unwrapped a bit of it, and blew the wrapper at Lucas. Lucas jerked upright suddenly and Tito and I started laughing really hard.
“Shut up,” Lucas said with a little smirk. Tito made an exaggerated frown face.
“Poor, Lucas. I’m sorry I blew that wrapper at you,” Tito said. I chuckled. Lucas turned to me.
“You know this means war,” he told me. I shrugged.
“I’m ready,” I told him. “Bring it on!” Tito gave me a high five.
“That’s right! She’s ready for it, she’s on my team!” Tito exclaimed. Lucas shook his head at the two of us. Then the rest of the family showed up and took their seats around the table. It was a buffet so everyone was to get their own food. I thought this was perfect, I could portion my food just the way I wanted to. But Tito walked with me. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was peering over my shoulder, looking to see if I had enough food.
And the “war” continued. When we got up Lucas did something to our places or our drinks. And when he got up we did the same thing to him. It went on like this for awhile, but eventually Lucy told her sons to behave themselves. I giggled because I wasn’t being scolded.
“But Mom, Gabrielle started it,” Tito said in a little kid voice. Lucy laughed at her son.
“Tito, don’t blame everything on your lovely girlfriend,” Thomas said with a wink in my direction. “She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Thank you, Thomas,” I told him. He nodded.
“It’s not fair, everyone is on your side,” Tito said. I shrugged.
“Sometimes,” I said. Tito didn’t make a witty remark at that one and his family just looked at me for a while. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.” I said simply. They laughed then, I guess my wording from before had been a little vague.

“Your investment of time in work or school next week is important.”

As Tito and I were driving back to campus Sunday afternoon he asked me what I had thought of my trip. So I told him what had stuck out most in my mind.
First was meeting his family. Lucas was nothing like I had expected. I didn’t really meet his older sister, she always seemed to be working. Then there were the twins. They seemed pretty cool, both into drama, just like I was. I was happy I wasn’t a weird drama geek to them. Finally there were his parents. They were traditional, very traditional. But they were also really nice, genuinely nice people.
Then we talked about his friend Shawn. I told him that, truthfully, I wasn’t a huge Shawn fan. I understood Tito and Shawn were really close, but the hug he gave me felt weird and itchy. Then I told him I wasn’t really into the whole Super Smash Bros. thing.
He shrugged off the thing about Shawn and the video games saying that they weren’t really important. Well, Shawn was still one of his best friends, but he was ok with me not liking the games. He then told me he thought his brother was up to something.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked him. He rolled his eyes and took a drink of his Mountain Dew.
“I mean, he kept stealing glances at you. He flirted with you all the time. It was obvious he liked you.” Tito told me.
“What? I didn’t notice any flirting.” I told him. I seriously hadn’t noticed any of the things Tito had mentioned. Well, except the staring on Friday night.
“Well, I know my brother. Don’t worry about it, if you didn’t notice, it’s probably not a big deal.” I nodded. That was true, Lucas would never get anywhere with someone who didn’t react, or even pick up on, his signals. This wasn’t a big deal at all because I wouldn’t see Lucas for a long time.
“Tito, just so you know, I’m not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. I promise.” He nodded and I took a drink of my Coca-cola. I didn’t even really think about it until after I swallowed the drink. It wasn’t diet, but full calorie. I could almost feel the whole of the calories sliding down my throat. I shuddered. Tito looked over at me.
“You alright over there?” He asked cautiously. I pursed my lips.
“This isn’t diet,” I told him. He shook his head.
“No, it’s not. You don’t need a diet one.” I looked over at him.
“Tito, I can’t just drink this. It’s going to ruin me.”
“No it won’t, Gabrielle. A coke is a normal and great tasting soda.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll drink the thing. But, I’m not going to eat dinner. This has JUST as many calories as dinner,” I informed him. Tito pulled over to the shoulder of the road.
“Gabrielle, don’t you even start this. You know that’s not true. You deserve to get better and I know you will. You just have to keep at it,” Tito told me calmly. But I was sick of him, everyone, telling me I was doing “such a great job” and I just “had to keep going”. I picked up the coke again, rolled down the window and chucked the bottle into the grass. Tito just stared at me, disbelief clouding his face. I could hardly believe what I had just done. He looked straight forward, checked the road, and got back on. He didn’t say another word to me the rest of the way home.
The silence started to bug me about half an hour. I started talking to him about other things. He didn’t reply. I started singing songs to him. I knew my voice was horrible, and still nothing. I couldn’t handle it.
“Tito, would you just say SOMETHING?!” I shouted at him. Nothing.
Fifteen minutes later: nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And then we were back on campus. He parked his car and I ran around to his side to block him from exiting the car.
“You have to say something,” I said. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, okay. I just, I can’t take all of this.”
“All of what?” Tito asked me. “The encouragement? The support?” I nodded.
“Yes, I can’t sit there and hear someone tell me they are proud of me when really all I did was eat. I don’t even want to eat all of the time and still people are saying they’re proud of me. This is just not what I want,” I told him honestly. He put his hands on my waist, moved me to the side and got out of the car. He stood over me. He looked down at me. Then he wrapped me in a hug. He just held me in an embrace for what seemed like forever. The feeling of his arms, safe and warm around me was so moving I couldn’t help the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I started crying uncontrollably. He just held on tighter. Eventually he let go and wiped the tears off of my face.
“Eating is a simple act. I’m proud of you for more than that. I’m proud of you for choosing to live. Choosing something that seems terrifying to you. Something your head keeps resisting,” he told me. I nodded.
“Thank you,” I said. He put an arm around my shoulders and we brought the stuff inside. We put our things in our respective rooms and met up in the stairwell after we had finished unpacking. I took his hand in mine and led him down the stairs and towards the cafeteria. I looked back at him and he gave me a big smile. I couldn’t get his smile out of my head the rest of the night. Not while we ate dinner. Not while he walked me back to my room and said goodnight. Not even while I was on the phone, first with my dad then with my mom. I fell asleep thinking just about that smile. It was cheesy and girly, and everything I had told myself would never happen in real life. But it was happening. To me. All of this was happening to me. And it was wonderful.

The next day I was assigned about forty math problems, a paper in my history class, and had to take an online survey in my philosophy class. It seemed like I would never emerge from this sea of homework. So I dove headfirst into it because I wanted to finish and also because my fortune said something good would come of working hard in school this week. At about six in the evening there was a knock on my door and I looked up from my laptop on which I was typing my history paper. I don’t know why I felt the knock wasn’t real, but I was kind of questioning it until the second knock came. I got up and walked to the door. It was Gladys.
“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner,” Gladys said. I nodded, grabbed my keys off my bed, locked my door and walked with her to the cafeteria. When we had gotten our food and sat down at a table she started asking about the weekend.
“What did you do at his house?” Gladys questioned.
“I talked with his family, ate dinner with them, and met one of his friends,” I told her.
“What was his family like? Were they nice about your eating disorder?”
“They had no idea about it. Tito didn’t tell them so I was not going to say anything. Everything went smoothly though.” I didn’t say anything to her about the car ride back or our fight. It didn’t really matter. I just told her what each family member was like. I told her about Lucas flirting with me. I told her about how cute the baby was. I even told her his friend Sean was really weird. Then I asked her about how her weekend went.
“It was amazing, Remy’s such a great guy. I showed him around campus and then we went to see some movie.” I laughed. “What is funny about seeing a movie?”
“Only the fact you can’t remember what movie you saw,” I informed her. She laughed then.
“I suppose we were a bit pre-occupied,” Gladys said. Her eyes sparkled. That guy must really do wonders for her. Especially considering how grumpy she had been. We talked about our weekends for a while. She told me how much fun she had, I told her about how long Tito’s siblings talked about the upcoming play. “Aw, they’re drama geeks like you.” I smiled.
“Pretty much, and I’m glad. That way I can talk to them about theater!” I said excitedly. This was good because they all added me on Facebook. I seriously mean all of them. When I got to my room and checked my laptop Sunday night I had five friend invites and they’re all Vincents. These people sure didn’t waste time. I was hesitant in adding Lucas, but I decided if I added everyone else it wouldn’t really matter.
We walked back to our dorms when we had finished talking and I sat down to work on my paper again. It was going to take about another page to answer everything, but I was pretty sure I had it in me. I mean, I wasn’t one hundred percent positive, but I was fully determined. I hadn’t seen Tito since our run that morning so I wasn’t all surprised when he called me at eight.
“Hey, beautiful,” Tito said as I accepted his call. I smiled.
“Tito, I’m in no way beautiful, but thank you,” I said. I could hear the exhalation of his breath on the other end of the line.
“I hate that you talk that way. Gab, you are beautiful. Accept it without question.” I rolled my eyes, but didn’t argue this. I was starting to realize arguing with Tito about stupid things like beauty wasn’t really what I wanted to do.
“Ok, what are you doing right now?”I asked him. “Because I am writing this paper and I feel it would probably go a lot better with a distraction.” He laughed.
“I’m on my way, m’lady,” he said as he hung up the phone. I looked intently at the page for a minute. Then there was a knock on the door and I jumped up. I opened the door and Tito was there smiling at me. I put my arms around his neck and he leaned down to kiss me.
“Alright, now I just have to finish this paper,” I told him. He sat down next to me on my bed. I looked at my laptop, the document of my paper open. “Do you know anything about history?” He laughed.
“Yes, I know a lot about history,” he told me. Then he proceeded to tell me almost everything I had questions on. After the paper was finally finished he took my hand and kissed it. It was a kind little gesture, one I used to gag on the thought of, but now, it was just simple and kind.
“You have been really awesome,” I told him as I rested my head on his shoulder. He patted my head.
“I try pretty damn hard,” he admitted. I laughed. I was glad he wasn’t going to get all mushy. I mean, I understand a little mush, but nothing too extreme.
He then reached behind him and handed me a copy of “Leaves of Grass” which is a book of poems by Walt Whitman. I had told him maybe a week or so ago that I had always wanted a closer look at Whitman’s poems after reading the book “Paper Towns” by John Green. I took the book from him and hugged it close to me. It was a bit worn.
“Where did you get this?” I asked Tito as I flipped through the pages, some dog eared and highlighted.
“It’s my mom’s copy,” he said. “She used to be really into poetry, especially good ole Walt. She said you could keep it.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. She wanted me to have this? She barely knew me, and already she was ready to give me a gift, something that was obviously special to her once upon a time.
“It’s beautiful,” I told him. He put an arm around me and kissed me.
“Well, I hope you enjoy it,” he said. “Sorry it’s a bit worn.” I shook my head.
“No, that’s what makes it so amazing. I can look at the poems themselves and also at the parts that spoke out to your mom. It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” I informed him. He smiled as I flipped through the pages some more. Every now and then I would point out something his mom had highlighted and tell him how awesome it was. He spent the rest of the hour he was there watching me read and commenting on my facial expressions. He said it was cute how excited I got about Walt Whitman.
Eventually I had to put the book down and go to bed, but I was happy just to have read the parts of “Song of Myself” I had. It was a long poem, but it was turning out to be pretty good. I thought also about what John Green had said about this poem in his own book. I tried looking at it, not just as a window to Whitman, or to Tito’s mom who had highlighted many parts, but also as a mirror into my own soul. It was difficult, but then it wouldn’t be worth it if it wasn’t difficult.
I also wanted to try and read it as a filter, and not a sponge. This was something I had picked up from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”. I supposed I did things various ways because of how I had seen them done. I mean, now every time I heard someone say anything that could be construed as a Rocky Horror Picture Show quote I would think the next line in my head and I sometimes said it out loud. This of course was only because my dad was such a fan, but nonetheless, it had shaped who I was.
That night I had a very strange dream.
I was sitting in a field of grass when Margo Roth Spiegleman, one of the main characters from “Paper Towns” came and sat down beside me. She was in her designer jeans and a soft blue scoop neck and I was in a summer dress. She looked at me and then pointed to the grass by which we were surrounded.
“What is the grass?” She asked me after a few moments. It was almost straight out of Whitman’s poem. I took the grass in my own hands and threw it at her, trying to make her see it for herself. But the wind blew it back in my face and I started choking on some of the spears. “The beautiful uncut hair of graves.” One of Whitman’s descriptions said. Maybe that is what grass is. I could almost see it, grass growing from the bodies of the dead. It was eerie in such a way that it was almost calming. That when we die we become the grass. That too was said somewhere before, oh yes in The Lion King. Could it be that the writers had read Whitman?
I hardly had time to think of this though for the next thing to happen was for the middle of the grass to part. Margo was on the other side of the newly formed chasm and she looked across at me. She stood up and took a running leap right into the fresh hole in the earth. I couldn’t believe she had jumped like that. I stood up and looked around. There was no one in sight. Is that why she jumped? I turned around again and there was Lora, a girl I’d gone through treatment with. While I had completed treatment Lora was slowly getting worse. I hadn’t heard from her since I left, but I thought about her more than I would admit to anyone. Actually I hadn’t told anyone about her. She was just standing in front of me, her arms so skinny and her veins so prominent. I walked over to her and hugged her. Truth be told I had really missed her. She was one of the only girls I talked to, and she was only fifteen years old. It was almost as though she were my little sister. She took my hand and walked me over to the chasm.
“It’s time to jump,” she told me, her voice soft. I shook my head.
“Lora, we don’t have to jump,” I told her as I tried to pull back. But she was stronger than I thought she was. She yanked hard and all of the sudden we were falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Then I sat up violently, wide awake. I couldn’t even start to think about what that dream might mean. I had always believed that dreams meant something, but this one was scary to try and work out in my head. I looked at the clock on my desk and saw it was five in the morning. Almost time to meet Tito for our run. I got ready fast and walked downstairs. He wasn’t there yet so I stretched and paced for a while. I wondered if I should try and call Lora. I finally decided that I would try my hardest to talk to Lora this week, I owed it to her. Tito walked outside then and stopped in front of me.
“You okay there?” He questioned. I nodded.
“I just need to make a phone call today,” I informed him. He looked at me closely, probably wondering who I needed to call. “I have to call Lora.” His brow furrowed even further than it had before.
“Who’s Lora? Is she a cousin or something?” Tito asked. I shook my head.
“Lora was one of my friends from recovery. She’s only fifteen and she wasn’t doing particularly well when I left.” Although I couldn’t remember quite what was wrong. All I remembered was it was not good.
“Wow, I’m sorry, Gab. Are you ready to run?” He asked as he cast me a sidelong glance. I nodded and we took off.
As we were running I noticed people who were out doing their own thing in the early morning hours. The first corner we passed contained a bus stop and there were a few people sitting on the bench there. One of them was an elderly woman who was there every morning. She always had on a flower patterned dress and most of the time she wore a hat. This time she had a little boy with her and the boy had a yellow balloon he was waving in front of him.
The next turn we made passed a coffee shop. There was a man outside sipping coffee and pouring over a book while occasionally looking at his computer. Another woman was nursing her drink and looking off into the distance. I wondered if she was waiting for someone. Then I tripped over something and was in the air a few brief moments before I landed on my face. I pushed myself up off the ground and brushed myself off before Tito caught up to me.
“You okay there Trips McGee?” Tito asked me. I nodded.
“Yeah, I must have gotten distracted or something” I said. I touched my hand to my chin which had begun to throb with pain. I looked down at my hand and noticed it had blood on it. “Ah, darn it. Of course I would scrape it.” Tito raced over to one of the outdoor tables and came back with a napkin. He wiped my chin softly and then kissed me.
“All better?” He questioned. I nodded. It was definitely all better. We continued on our run and then got some breakfast together at a local bakery. He said it was because I earned it for being so good about the cut on my chin. “And because you didn’t cry.” He made sure to add. I ate a small donut and he ate a streusel pastry. It was the first time I had eaten a donut in over a year and I had forgotten how good the things tasted.
Then it was time to go back to my floor for the weekly weigh-in. I stepped onto the scale and saw, to my surprise as well as the shock of the nurse on duty that I had lost two pounds. She was not happy. A part of me was relieved. A part of me wanted to go lower.
An inquisition pursued then on my eating habits. Obviously I had been skipping meals, the nurse inferred. I corrected her, I had eaten three meals a day, for the most part, since I’d been in school. She then asked if I had been doing a lot of exercising. Oh shoot! I had forgotten exercise was sort of forbidden. I told her I went running every morning for almost two miles. She told me I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. This was something that didn’t work for me.
“I need to run,” I told the nurse. “You see, I’m used to playing a sport and the activity is relaxing for me.” She shook her head.
“No you cannot do that. If you need relaxation take up knitting or something, nothing that will drop your weight so low.” I was getting pretty frustrated with this.
“No, I am going to RUN.” She took a look at her clipboard and started to write.
“I am marking you for going against treatment,” she told me. Damn. So I did the only thing I could think of doing, I apologized. I told her I would stop running and she said she would let me off with a warning. I was so grateful I gave the nurse an unexpected hug. She was definitely taken off guard. I went back into my room and got ready for my classes.

After class was over it was time for me to tell Tito I couldn’t go running with him anymore. I walked to his dorm and knocked on the door. He opened it and I walked inside.
“Come on in,” he said jokingly. I went to his bed and sat down. He sat down next to me. “What’s the matter?”
“I lost two pounds,” I told him. He looked over at me and I could tell he was going through meal times in his head.
“You haven’t been purging have you?” Tito asked me. “Because you have been eating all of your meals.” I rolled my eyes.
“Tito, it’s the running,” I said. “They don’t want me to run anymore.” I could hear the disappointment in my own voice and I felt stupid for putting so much emotion into these words. I didn’t want him to feel bad about it.
“That’s ridiculous, I mean, it’s just to calm you down.” I nodded and told him this was exactly what I had told the nurse.
“But then she said if I insisted on running every morning I was going to be on probation, which is totally unfair because I’m not running to lose weight…” There was a little pause thing at the end of my sentence and Tito was definitely able to catch onto it.
“But you kind of liked the fact you did end up losing weight,” Tito said. I bit my lip. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I thought saying nothing might be better than telling the truth. “Gabrielle, you have to focus on your recovery. I’m sorry, but now I can see why you shouldn’t run.” I crossed my arms over my chest, of course he would see it now.
“Tito, I know you feel that I shouldn’t lose any weight at all, but maybe those few pounds weren’t meant to be there.” I knew this sounded stupid as soon as they came out of my mouth, but I didn’t care.
“That is shit and you know it.”
“Fine, it is shit, but I just want to run or something. But if I do I’ll end up back in treatment.”
“I hate to say this, but do you think you might need some more time to recover?” Tito asked me. I couldn’t believe this. Wasn’t he the one who always told me I could do this? When I had doubts, he would back me up. I stood up then and walked right out of the room. I walked to Gladys’ room because she understood, or she sort of understood. In no way was drug addiction and eating disorders the same, but they both had a long recovery process.
I knocked on her door. She didn’t answer.
I knocked on her door. She still didn’t answer.
And repeat cycle five more times before I realize she must be in class or something. So I walk back to my own room. I sit down at my desk and begin to type furiously, throwing whole self into the psychology paper I had just been assigned.
My phone vibrates. It’s a text from Tito.
“I’m sorry,” the text reads.
“Good,” I replied
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” I scoffed even though no one was around to hear it. What a cliché thing for him to say.
“Noted.”
“Can I come in?” His next text asked and then there was a knock on the door. People think they’re so clever when they do that sort of thing. Sometimes it is clever, but sometimes it is just plain annoying. Because they are expecting you to say yes.

Wow, here's MORE story

“That’s the one…he’s gone now, but he came to shake things up.” I couldn’t tell what Tito was thinking as he told me he’d be up at my room in a few minutes. He knocked on my door and as I opened it he wrapped his arms around me.
“Do I want to know what he did?” Tito asked me. I shook my head, I knew he probably really didn’t want to hear this. “Should I hear it anyway?” I nodded.
“He told me he loved me.” Tito’s arms fell to his side. “I didn’t take him back or anything…”
“But…”
“But I didn’t tell him to leave me alone and move on. I told him I’d have to think about it.” Tito walked to the other end of my room and back. Then he did it again.
“What do you want me to say about this? Do you want me to make your decision? Is that what you thought would happen? You thought maybe I’d hear this and tell you to stay with me? Or did you think I’d tell you to go back to him?” Tito asked.
“I don’t know…I just…I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “Do you think we have any chance of lasting? I mean lasting as in long term, maybe getting married someday. Do you see that in our future?”
“Gabrielle, we’re freshmen in college, why would we be thinking so long term?”
“Well, you dated Tara for two years and that was nothing serious, so if we dated until junior year I would be seriously thinking you would propose.”
“Are you thinking of marrying Isaac?”
“No, but he told me he loved me. I told you how crushed I was when he just dumped me.”
“So you’d go back to a guy that took over a year to decide he loved you?” This was an excellent point.
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t.”
“Good. So don’t go back to him.” I smiled and walked over to him. I put my arms around him and he extracted himself from the hug.
“What? I told you I wouldn’t go back to him.”
“Yes, but you had to think about it. Gabrielle, I can’t simply forget the fact that you almost dumped me for some guy that broke your heart. I need to go and rethink some things before we see each other again,” Tito told me and he walked out of the room.
I officially felt like a piece of shit. It’s not that I felt Tito was the only one for me, but I shouldn’t have put him to the side when someone else came along. He was better than that. I should’ve have remembered what a good guy he was right away. I decided to call Isaac right then and there before he could make a plan to come and see me again.
“Already decided you can’t live without me?” Isaac questioned. Why did I ever consider going back to that guy?
“No, quite the opposite. I want to tell you that you need not bother coming back tomorrow. I am not going to come back to you just because you decided you loved me.” He didn’t reply immediately and I thought for a minute that he might’ve hung up the phone.
“Alright, but I am not going to come crawling back when you decide you really wanted me after all.” I laughed.
“Don’t worry, I won’t.” I said and I hung up the phone.
I fell asleep thinking about what I should do to make up for what I did to Tito. I was out before I had a plan. I woke up with the acute feeling I was a horrible person. Then the whole terrible seen with Tito floated to the surface of my consciousness. I then had the overwhelming feeling I was a horrible person. I knew Gladys was Tito’s friend too so I couldn’t exactly ask her for help. I was going through all of my phone contacts, looking desperately for someone to call when the screen lit up with my sister’s number. I answered the phone and Jen began talking almost immediately.
“You will not believe it, Fred just asked me to marry him! Also, I said yes! Can you believe it?” My sister gushed over the phone. I sure couldn’t believe it either. She’d only been dating this guy for three months. And already they were going to take the dead man’s walk?
“Are you sure this is the right thing for you to do?” I asked her. “I mean, how well do you really know this guy?” My sister tsk tsk-ed.
“Gabby, you just don’t understand. When you meet the right person you just want to be together forever. I mean, you could be with anyone now, but Fred’s the guy I want for forever.” I couldn’t think of a more gag-inducing sentiment than the one she just spewed at me.
“You know,” I told her, “there’s no way this can last.” Then she hung up on me. I half expected that to happen, but I didn’t expect to feel really bad about it. I decided to send her an apologetic text and I knew she would eventually forgive me.
Without thinking much about it I went up to Tito’s room. Maybe if I talked to him he would see that I really felt bad about what happened. So I knocked on his door and he was suddenly standing in front of me. And all I wanted at that moment was to kiss him, but I restrained myself.
“Gabrielle, I told you, I need time to think,” Tito said. I nodded.
“I know, but I just wanted to let you know I’m really sorry for putting our relationship on the line the way I did,” I told Tito. “I should never have considered, even for a moment, going back to Isaac.” Tito crossed his arms over his chest.
“You think coming here and apologizing again is going to be the difference between whether I come back to you or not?” He questioned. I bit my lip. I was hoping as much, but I didn’t want to tell him that.
“No,” I said. “Of course I didn’t think that. I just wanted to apologize again because I really am sorry.” He nodded.
“Okay, thanks,” he said. And then an idea came to me.
“Actually, I just found out my sister is getting married. I told you about the guy the other day, you know, Fred? Well, she said something about how she didn’t just want to spend her now with Fred, she wanted to spend her forever with him. And then I realized I wanted to spend my now with you,” I told him.
“You want to spend your now with me?” Tito asked, a smile creeping onto his face.
“I know, it sounds cheesy and sappy and I am gagging on my own disgust with the phrase, but yes, that’s just what I want to do.”
“You make it really hard to be mad at you,” he informed me. I smiled at this.
“I think that qualifies as something good.” He nodded and pulled me in for a kiss. “And that just confirms it.”
“You are something else, Gabs. I don’t know what it is…but you’re it.” He told me with a laugh. I told him I could definitely deal with that. “Have you eaten yet?”
“Nope, but I’m not all that hungry anyway. Did you want to take a walk or…”
“Or get something to eat?” Tito interrupted. “I would love to get food with you.”
“Tito, I told you, I’m not hungry.” He rolled his eyes, grabbed my hand and somehow managed to lock his door as he led me away from his room. Before I knew it we were at his car and he was climbing into the driver’s seat. I shrugged, opened the door and slipped inside. “Where, pray tell, are you taking me?”
“You’ll just have to find out…but know this, you will be eating food,” he told me. I nodded.
“Sure, sure. I figured as much.” I told him with a wave of my hand. He put a hand on my shoulder.
“You know I’m just looking out for your well being.” I nodded. Of course I knew that.

The next day I was eating lunch with Gladys. I turned to her and let out a breath.
“So, do you want to know what happened with Isaac on Saturday night?” I asked her. She nodded vigorously.
“Of course I do! I’ve been waiting for you to tell me. I just didn’t want to pry,” she admitted.
“Yeah, so he came back into my room and told me point blank that he loved me,” I said. Gladys’ mouth dropped.
“No way,” she said, but she smiled. I could tell she might be one of those people who thrived on gossip. I nodded.
“Yup, I told him I was dating Tito and he said he didn’t care. I then told him I’d let him know how I felt the next day.” She stopped me.
“You mean, you actually told him you’d think about it? Even though you are dating Tito? You’re still dating Tito, aren’t you?” She asked. I nodded.
“Of course I am. I told Tito what was going on and we had a fight, I mean I was really stupid for considering dumping him. But I realized he is the one I want to be with right now. I wanted Isaac at the time I told him I loved him, but a lot has changed since then.”
“Does he have any clue about your anorexia?” I shook my head.
“No way, why would I tell him that not too long after he and I broke up I developed an eating disorder? He would probably think he caused it, when he had nothing to do with it.”
“I guess you’re right.” I then asked her about her allusive boyfriend, and when or if I was going to meet him at all. Little did I know that she would give me the whole story.
First she talked about how they met: “I was at a party, you know the kind, where people were popping pills from a bowl and others were sniffing off the coffee table?” She said. I surely knew of no such parties. “Well, he was the brother of the guy throwing the party and he got home just before I popped one of the pills I had picked up.” This sounded romantic…not. “And before I knew it he was telling me to drop it and telling me I was better than pill popping. Then we walked into the kitchen and we talked for almost four hours straight. I couldn’t believe this tall blue eyed guy with the curliest brown hair would be interested in me, but he was.”
Then she told me about the lengths he went to to help her sober. I have to admit, that was some sort of dedication. She said her parents weren’t really around anymore and he actually put all of his paychecks toward her recovery. I was quite impressed with this guy. I genuinely wanted to meet the guy now.
“Well, he’ll be coming next weekend,” Gladys told me happily. Boy was she over the moon.
“That’s great, Gladys. I’m happy you have someone there for you like that,” I told her. She nodded.
“I’m glad you have someone like that too.” I smiled. Tito definitely was a great guy, but I wasn’t quite over the moon yet. I guess you could say I was like Elsie at the beginning of the RENT song. You know, “the only thing to do is jump over the moon.” All I had to do was take a leap of faith. But was I ready for it? Or was he ready for it? It really didn’t matter. We’d only been dating for two weeks and it was not the right time to think about love.
After Gladys and I finished lunch I went up to my room to do some homework. The best part of my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays was that my classes were over by noon. The only homework I had was a few math problems and a Spanish test to study for. The math wasn’t very complicated and I had finished it before one o’clock. The Spanish wasn’t as easy. The words I had to know in Spanish were: fruit, apple, orange, pear, pineapple, banana, peach, vegetable, lettuce, tomato, broccoli, and asparagus. These turned into: fruta, manzana, naranja, pera, piña, plátano, melocotón, hortalizas, lechuga, tomate, brócoli, y espárragos. I looked them over and over. I couldn’t take it anymore after about twenty times reviewing the words. That is when Tito knocked on my door. I smiled at this surprise visit.
“What are you working on in here?” Tito asked as he picked up my Spanish book. I laughed.
“As you might notice, the book is in a different language called Spanish. That’s probably what I am working on,” I informed him. He laughed.
“You can’t tell me anything in a normal way, can you,” he said. I shook my head.
“Tito, its part of my charm. You wouldn’t tell the sun to shine in a different way, would you?” I questioned. He shook his head.
“No, I wouldn’t. But you are not exactly as bright as the sun.”
“Oh, thanks. That really makes me feel good about myself.” I joked.
“It’s my job. First I boost you up with compliments, then I get to knock you down. That way I can do step one over and over.” I laughed.
“Well, as long as there’s kissing involved I don’t mind at all.” He nodded and kissed me.
“There’s always kissing involved,” Tito said with a sneaky smile. I could definitely deal with that. Kissing Tito was rapidly becoming my favorite thing to do. I know that sounds gushy, but it really wasn’t about the fact that I loved him. It was a lot of lust and the convenience of not having a roommate that kept me coming back to Tito’s wonderful lips.
In other news I had decided to go to the first volleyball game at the U. I really felt a connection to the team still and it didn’t matter that they had removed me. So I made Tito and Gladys go as well, it would have looked really lame if I went alone. When everything started up I was surprised at how much I wished I was out on the court. The designated setter, which would have been me if I were on the team, kept tipping it over the net instead of setting up another person for a stronger move. This was absolutely unnerving for me.
“Come on, do it right,” I muttered. Tito put a hand on my knee.
“Don’t worry about it, they’re still winning,” he told me. Well sure they were still winning, but that setter was taking all of the hits. She wasn’t cooperating with the rest of the team. I could tell the other players were starting to get frustrated.
“Why isn’t coach calling her out?” I wondered aloud. Gladys laughed.
“Do you not see the resemblance? Elle, it’s her daughter,” she said. I looked back and forth at the two. She was right. This was completely unfair.
“She’s hogging the ball!” I yelled before I could think any better of it. The ref looked directly at me, as well as the entire mass of people in the gym, and told me that if I didn’t start to control my behavior I would have to leave. I nodded and received a withering stare from the coach.
“Gabs, it’s not your game, don’t worry about her. Let the team deal with her later,” Tito said. I nodded again. He was right, if the team was like it had been earlier in the summer there would be no way this girl would go unpunished. Sure she could win the game, but not giving anyone else play time was strictly a no-no in the volleyball team rules.
“You’re right. Man, I’d hate to be that girl tonight,” I said. They nodded in agreement. We watched the rest of the game without further outbursts. Sure they did some things wrong, but they weren’t my team anymore and I couldn’t fix it. It was something I’d have to get used to.
When it was all over Gladys suggested we get some ice-cream. This was not a good plan in my book. I was just starting to get used to eating regular meals. Now they expected me to eat something besides a meal. Were they crazy? Didn’t they realize there were still calories in ice-cream?
“Ice-cream won’t kill you,” Gladys said as she noticed the look on my face. I shook my head.
“I really shouldn’t,” I said.
“You don’t have to eat any,” Tito told me. “I know it’s scary, Gab, but I think eventually you’ll get used to it. You don’t have to eat it though if you don’t want to, it’s not a necessary meal.” I smiled. I was glad Tito understood. So we all got into Tito’s car and he drove us to the local Dairy Queen.
As I watch Tito and Gladys eat their treats I started to get hungry. And the ice-cream started to look really tasty.
“Hey, Tito,” I said. He looked up from his dreamsicle.
“Yes, Gabrielle?” He said. I smiled and pointed at his ice-cream.
“What does that taste like?” I asked. He handed it over so I could taste it for myself. It tasted like awesome. “Wow, that is really good,” I said as I handed it back to him. He smiled and slipped me a dollar bill.
“Go get yourself one,” he said. I didn’t hesitate. I went up to the counter and bought a Dreamsicle. I brought it back to the table, opened it, and began eating. It was better than I could have imagined. I couldn’t believe I had been missing out on something so amazing. I made a mental note to eat ice-cream more often. It seemed like a good idea.

The next day I had an appointment with my advisor. My university was very big on getting the students and faculty to be a sort of tight knit group. It should be known that the school is rather small and focuses mostly on English studies and the arts. I was majoring in theatrical studies and my advisor was one of the heads of the theater college. Needless to say, I expected the guy to be a bit eccentric.
I walked into his office and was met by a mural of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It wasn’t what I had expected, the characters were all drawn over the top. I mean, even more than they were in the movie. I was looking at it so intently that I didn’t hear him come in.
“Isn’t that something?” Prof. Spieglman asked me. I nodded vigorously.
“Oh yes, my dad’s a huge fan of the show,” I told him. He almost named me Columbia. I’m lucky I was the almost. My sister, Jen’s real name is Magenta. She just went by Jen with a j so no one would ask about it.
“Well, come up to the lab and we’ll see what’s on the slab for this semester,” Prof. Spieglman said without hesitation. It was one of the dead giveaways for people who were really into the show, they always slip quotes into conversations with such fluidity people would hardly notice. But I did because my dad was the same way. I followed him to the desk and sat down across from him. “So, Gabrielle,” he said after looking over some papers, “I see you have overcome a lot in the past month or so.”
“I have, it’s a continuous struggle, but I’m starting to have faith in the recovery process,” I told him.
“Very good, that shows a great deal of determination. I am glad to be your advisor. Is there anything you would like to know about me?” I thought about it for a minute before deciding there wasn’t.
“Not right now,” I said, “if I have any questions I’ll let you know.” He nodded, said something about notifying me if important news comes up, and then I was free to go. I walked out of his office and went to my dorm room. I had finished my classes for the day and had a bit of math homework to do.
When all of my math problems were finished I called Tito. He came to my room and we sat on the ground to talk for a while. We had started doing this a few days after we started dating in order to get to know each other better. We did this by playing a game called truth. The rules of the game were fairly simple, you asked the person a question and they had to answer with the truth. You could make the questions as easy or complicated as you wanted and the game didn’t really have an ending point.
“If you could have any type of juice in the world, what kind of juice would you have?” Tito asked me. I had to think a minute.
“I would have Mixed Berry, but the Apple and Eve brand,” I told him. “That is the best juice ever.” And then it was my turn to ask a question. “Okay, pick your favorite third movie of a trilogy.”
“Whoa, you go right for it,” he said with a laugh. I nod. “Well, there are only a few third movies in a trilogy worth watching in the first place. First, there’s the third Star Wars, then there’s Lord of the Rings, and then there’s the third X-Men.”
“You didn’t answer the question,” I informed him.
“I know, it’s just a difficult decision…but I pick the third Star Wars, the original trilogy of course. It’s just the best.” I nodded and told him I would have picked that one too. “Okay…who was your first kiss?” This was the first difficult question he’d asked me.
“Well, it was actually Isaac,” I admitted. His mouth made an o shape. “Next question…what is your favorite band?” I asked.
“Postal Service, they have Death Cab’s original singer, but I like them more.”
“I have never heard of them, you need to play some of their music for me sometime,” I said. He suddenly got up and left the room. I sat there for a minute, wondering if he was coming back or not. He did. And with him was his iPod. He put one earpiece in my ear and the other in his own.
“This song is called Such Great Heights,” Tito said as the song began to play. It was actually pretty amazing. When the song was over I kissed him.
“You are really awesome at choosing music,” I told him. He smiled and put an arm over my shoulders.
“I’m pretty awesome at choosing many things,” Tito said. I nodded.
“That you are, and it is also your turn to ask the question,” I informed him. He nodded, looked at his phone and stood up.
“Sounds good, I just have to go to class first,” he said. I stood up too and gave him a kiss before he left.
“Have fun at school, sweetie,” I told him mockingly.
“Thanks, mom,” he replied before exiting my room. I took this opportunity to walk to Gladys’ door and knock on it with all the force I possessed. She opened the door.
“Wow, you are extremely annoying,” Gladys told me in a bitter voice. I smiled at her.
“You still love me though right? Because you realize I’m your best friend here and I’m awesome, right?” I said. She rolled her eyes.
“You are extremely too giddy and excited for me to handle.” I nodded, it was true. Lately I had become giddier than I’d ever been in my entire life.
“You can blame Tito for this,” I informed Gladys. “He is the reason for my intense happiness.” Gladys shook her head.
“This is not good, you are too good of a person to have this happen. What happened to the old saying about guys being jerks?” She asked me. I shrugged.
“Tito’s the exception?” I asked. She slapped her face to her forehead. “Wait a minute, don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“Well, yes…but he doesn’t make me super insane.”
“Uh huh, sure. We’ll just wait and see when he comes into town.” She slammed her door in my face and shouted at me to come back when I wasn’t so cheery. So I went back into my room and watched television for a little while. I had never realized what a void there was in my day without volleyball practice. I really had nothing worthwhile to do.
I began to wonder if Gladys was right. Was I putting all of my happiness on Tito? If I were single would I be as happy as I was now? Had I really crossed over into that territory I had sworn long ago I would never enter. The land of goofy clingy girls. Was that who I was now? No better than my perky RA? I really hoped not. Surely I was not as consumed in my relationship that I forgot about who I really was.
But who was I? I hadn’t thought that in a while. There was a lot I hadn’t thought about in a while.
About the time Isaac and I broke up I had decided that maybe dating was not the way to go. I had it in my head that the only thing guys were good for was being complete and total jerks. That love should stay in story books because it wasn’t real, it was the invention of authors and movie makers and people who weren’t brave enough to be alone. Was I abandoning these beliefs to be with Tito? Or was I disillusioned by Tito and I didn’t realize I was right all along? Why was this suddenly such a big deal to me? I sat in internal reverie for almost an hour I guess because the next thing I knew Tito was knocking on my door.
“Oh, hey,” I said as I opened the door. He didn’t walk into the room, he simply stood in the doorway.
“Okay, you weren’t this melancholy when I left… what changed your mood so drastically?” Tito asked me.
“Do you think love is real?” I asked him. He walked into the room then and sat me down on my bed.
“Do you want the long or short answer?” He asked. I told him I wanted the long one. “Of course love is real. Do you think people work hard at relationships because of anything besides love? Do you think people stay married over twenty years if love doesn’t exist? Of course not. Do you think you told Isaac you loved him if you didn’t at one time believe there was love between the two of you?” I shook my head.
“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry for being all weird, Gladys just was messing with me for being so perky.” She didn’t mean to make me question who I am and what I was doing. He put an arm around me.
“She can be a piece of work sometimes.” I nudged him with my elbow.
“Play nice, Mr. Vincent,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, why of course,” Tito said. “Hey, I forgot to ask you this, but I’m going home this weekend and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.” I could feel my eyes light up.
“Really? You want me to meet your family? I’d love to go, but you have to know, I don’t do the whole staying in the same bed thing,” I informed him. I felt stupid for saying it, but I had to set my boundaries.
“Don’t worry, I am the same way. And yes, I do want you want you to meet my family. It’s my Dad’s birthday and I’ve told him all about you. I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow.
“Everything? Do they think I’m a mental charity case yet? Or do you have to actually meet me to think that?”
“It only becomes apparent when people meet you,” he informed me. I nodded.
“Well, no use ruining it for myself if they don’t know how pathetic I really am.”
“Shut up, Gabs, you are not pathetic. You just aren’t the strongest person in the world. But you’ll get there with all the running. And eating.” I rolled my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder.
“Okay, I guess it’s settled. I will go home with you this weekend so your family can meet your crazy anorexic girlfriend.”
“Ex-anorexic,” he amended. Right, it was difficult to remember I wasn’t still under the constant grip of the eating disorder. Well, I was, but I was getting better.
“You really want to introduce this mess of a person to your family?” He laughed and squinted at me.
“Well, now that you put it that way…not particularly,” Tito said. I laughed then too.
“You have to now, you already told me you would. You can’t go back on your promises!” I said.
“Fine, fine. You know they’re going to love you.” I wasn’t so sure about that.
“Wishful thinking, my dear, wishful thinking.”

I called my dad the next day and told him where I would be going.
“Are you sure it’s such a good idea to leave the structured environment you have at school? I’ve kept up with your weigh ins and I think you’re doing such a good job there.” I smiled.
“Dad, I’m doing such a good job because of Tito’s help. He’s been really good about everything,” I told him. It was true, Tito always made sure I ate. It was getting to the point where I was almost to the point I didn’t need him to tell me anymore. He took a minute to think on this.
“Okay, I suppose this will be alright. But be sure to call either your mother or me every day,” he said.
“Sure thing, Daddy. I love you.”
“Love you too, Gabs,” Dad said before he got off the phone to get back to work. And that was that, I was going to visit Tito’s family over the weekend. Yikes! I was in no way prepared for this. What did I know about Tito’s family anyway? Well he did tell me a few things.
First, he had both parents, still married. His dad’s name was Thomas and he worked in a major corporation. He wasn’t a workaholic and spent a lot of time with the family, he was an ideal father according to Tito. His mom’s name was Lucy and she was a stay at home mom. She was always there during the day and made dinner every night. I think Tito liked that about his childhood, the fact that he had what some people might call a traditional family. He was the second oldest of five.
That brings us to his siblings. He had one older sister, Blair. She was twenty-three with one daughter and a husband that was currently serving in Iraq. Tito loved his older sister and her daughter, Shiloh, so much and he even admitted to being proud of Blair’s husband, Don. Tito’s younger brother, Lucas, was seventeen and a senior. He was still unsure of the college he wanted to attend, but Tito wasn’t very worried about him. Finally there were Tito’s younger, twin sisters, Hailey and Isadora. They were both newly sixteen and were almost as opposite as identical twins could be. Tito had shown me a picture of them and I was surprised to see how noticeably different they really were. For one thing, Hailey had blonde hair like Tito’s and Isadora’s was dyed cherry red. Another was that Hailey was in a pink T and short jeans shorts and Isadora was wearing a dark green overall dress. I was trying to think about where I would be on the girl scale if these two were the extremes. I figured I’d be somewhere in between, but probably closer to Isadora’s side. I was never one of those pink wearing, preppy types.
Needless to say, I was really nervous about meeting all of these people who were so important to Tito. I had never known someone who cared so very deeply for his family. I mean, I cared for my family, but not quite to the extent he did. I wasn’t one to forget all the bad things and focus on the good. He was extremely good at just saying positive thing after positive thing about all of them. I hope that’s how he talks about me to them. That I’m not just my disease. As I have noticed from people I spent my recovery process with, I am a separate being than that of my eating disorder. And since I’ve been to a treatment facility I know I am stronger, my thoughts are stronger. Well, sometimes.

Before I knew it Friday had arrived and it was time to go to Tito’s house. His hometown was about three hours away and I had a CD with twenty-three songs on it. It wouldn’t last the whole way, but I hoped we would talk for a while and it wouldn’t matter. So I buckled in and he started the car. I looked at him and the first thing to cross my mind was: I hope this doesn’t ruin our relationship.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Tito said as we pulled onto the road.
“I’m worried about meeting your family,” I admitted. He patted my shoulder before turning into the gas station so he could fill up the tank and I could get the necessary refreshments.
“Don’t worry, they’ll love you, now get the drinks and we’ll get on the highway and be having a great time before you know it,” Tito told me. I nodded and ran inside to get some soda, a bag of chips, and some cookie things. I paid for the refreshments and got back into the car.
“Ready?” I asked Tito.
“Wait, how much do I owe you for the stuff?” He asked. I shook my head.
“I got it,” I told him. “Don’t worry.” He kissed my cheek and started the car up.
“Next stop, my house.”
“Unless we have to make a pit stop,” I said.
“Oh sure, we’ll stop if absolutely necessary.”
And so the trip ensued.
After about half an hour we had turned the music down and started to talk. First we talked about our week. He said his was good for the most part except the test he took this morning which he was positive he’d bombed. I told him that it was not possible. He’d studied for hours and I’d even quizzed him on everything the night before. There was absolutely no way he’d failed that test. I did, however, totally ruin the speech I had to give yesterday about three events that happened on my birthday. I went too fast, didn’t make enough eye-contact, and I said “um” and “uh” way to many times.
Then he asked me about my family and I gave him a basic description of them: my parents were divorce, my mom was a teacher and my father a psychiatrist. My sister was twenty-one and engaged to be married to this guy named Fred. I didn’t really know him, but I hoped it would turn out all right.
“Is that all?” Tito questioned. I nodded.
“That’s my family,” I said. He shook his head.
“No, I mean, isn’t there anything else to tell me about them? Like particulars or anything?” I shrugged.
“My sister and I used to fight constantly, but we’re better at tolerating each other now.” He nodded. “What? I don’t know what else to say about them.”
“I always forget your relationship with your family is not the same as mine.” I rolled my eyes.
“Not everyone is a part of the ideal American family,” I told him.
“My family is not ideal,” he told me. I let out a sarcastic laugh and he peered over at me out of the corner of his eyes. “Would you stop that? Okay, I understand that you are not in a good mental state right now, but you shouldn’t go around making assumptions about peoples’ families because you might be a little pissed about your own.” Ouch.
“Come on then, tell me something that you would change about your family.”
“How about you tell me something you actually like about your family first.”
“Fine, I like how close my dad and I are, despite the fact he and my mom are divorced he’s made more of an effort than she has.”
“Okay, well, my younger brother likes to steal my stuff sometimes. Also, Isadora listens to her scream-o music really loud a lot,” Tito said.
“I’m sorry, about making fun of your family for being perfect,” I said quietly. He didn’t say anything but turned up the volume on the CD I had made. The song was “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheetus and I couldn’t help realizing how this song was my life. Well, the part about being a dirtbag, not about listening to Iron Maiden. I was never a huge Iron Maiden fan, but this song always made me smile a little bit. Tito didn’t say anything as I started to sing along. He didn’t smile either and I hoped he wasn’t pissed at me and my messed up mental state.
At hour two of our trip Tito still wasn’t talking to me and I had put in a CD I had made a long time ago. I really had to pee, but I wasn’t going to say anything. I figured he wouldn’t stop even if I did. I also worried he’d leave me at the rest stop. Neither of those things sounded good.
“You feeling okay?” Tito asked. “Your face is scrunched up weird.”
“I have to use the rest room real bad,” I admitted.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“You were pissed at me,” I said.
“No, I just didn’t want to talk anymore. There’s a difference.”
“But you said I wasn’t in a good mental state.”
“Well, you were being a bit of a jerk.”
“Well, I apologized,” I said. Which was more than he did. And what he said to me was worse than what I’d said to him.
“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? Now let’s find you a place to pee.” I smiled and muttered a thank god under my breath.
Hour three was much better. Tito and I talked for a long time about music. He said he was a fan of a lot of music, but he was partial to rock and alternative music. He said his favorite bands included The Postal Service, Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, and Trapt. I told him those bands were good, but I was more of a fan of folk music lately. Some of my favorite bands/artists included: Dar Williams, Sara Bareilles, Daphne Loves Derby, and Allison Kraus. He had never heard of Dar or Daphne loves Derby and that, I told him, was part of why I liked them so much. Not many people had heard of them. I liked having something to listen to that many people didn’t know about and therefore have something to introduce people to. We even had a conversation about Cartel, a band both of us liked a lot. My favorite song of theirs was “The Minstrel’s Prayer” and his was “Save Us”. They were both on their Chroma CD. This lasted us all the way to his house. We were having such a good conversation I almost forgot to be nervous. Emphasis on the almost.
“We’re about ten minutes away,” Tito said excitedly. My body tensed. He noticed. “Gabrielle, they’ll love you, I promise.” I was less than convinced. The closer we got to the house, the worse I felt about going. Finally we pulled into his driveway. He got out of the car and I remained rooted to the spot. He pulled things out of the trunk and finally walked over to my door. He opened it and squatted down next to the car.
“I can’t do it, I’m going to walk back to school,” I told him. He unbuckled me from my seat.
“You will not. I have faith that you can do this,” Tito told me. “I mean, look at what you’ve done already. Meeting my family is nothing.” I shook my head.
“That other stuff was just about me, this impacts other people.” He took my hand and I got out.

More of NaNoWriMo

I nibbled on my salad for a few minutes and was astonished when I had nothing left. I ate the whole thing. That fact alone was freaking me out. I finished a whole meal. Then I smiled to myself because I was proud to have done something so simple. Most people would see taking pride in something so small a bit disappointing. Not me, long ago I learned to thank God for small miracles.
Tito finished his burger a few minutes later and he looked over at me and my food, or lack thereof. He smiled and I nodded.
“I ate it all,” I told him like he couldn’t see it plain as day. Gladys looked at the empty salad bowl and patted me on my back.
“Good job, girl,” she said by way of congratulations. I felt lame, but it was a happy sort of lame. We took care of our trash and continued to roam the stores. Tito ended up buying a CD for some band called Arcade Fire. I had never heard of them, but he was a huge fan. Gladys found a really cute dress that went just below her knees and had a red and purple plaid design. I didn’t find anything I wanted to buy so we just went back to the dorms.
Tito went back to his room and I accompanied Gladys to hers. I was immediately drawn to her bookshelf. It wasn’t a very hard thing to be drawn to, it took up an entire wall. She had books by Ellen Hopkins, Jay Asher, John Green, A. S. Byatt, and Jodi Piccoult. She also had two whole shelves filled with poetry books. She put her dress in her closet and walked over to where I was standing.
“It’s really something,” I told her. She nodded. “Have you read all of these?”
“For the most part. I haven’t read all of the poetry, but I plan to,” she told me. Wow, she did a lot more reading than I did.
I mean, I read for fun sometimes, but it’s difficult to keep up with a book when you’re in the hospital. Or when you have volleyball practice every day. I picked up one of the books, Fallout the newest Ellen Hopkins novel. I had been wanting to read this one for a while.
“Do you want to borrow it?” Gladys asked me. I looked up at her.
“Could I?” I asked. She nodded and told me I could borrow any book I wanted. There were paintings on the other walls and I looked at each and every one of them. “Did you paint these?” She nodded.
“Sure did. During recovery.” Here it was, the in I had been looking for since we met. This was my chance to ask her why she was on the special kids floor.
“Recovery for what?” I asked her simply because she already knew why I was here. I thought there should be reciprocal knowledge.
“Drugs,” Gladys told me simply. “I had to do the whole ‘hi, my name’s Gladys’ thing. It was definitely not worth it.” She laughed at this and I figured I’d just take her word for it. I sat down on one of her chairs and looked over at her. She was looking at one of her paintings.
“So, what do you think of Tito?” I asked her. She turned away from the painting to look at me, a smile playing at the corners of her lips.
“I think he likes you,” was her reply.
“Yeah, I caught that one. I mean, do you think he’s a friend worth keeping?” She shrugged and went over to her book wall. She picked out one of the poetry books and flipped through it.
“Sure, but I think he’d be a worthwhile friend to date.” I picked up a pillow and threw it at her. “Sorry, but he’s cute, he’s nice, and he is very much in like with you.” I laughed at this and we argued about it the rest of the night, well until I went back to my room to sleep.

The first class I had on Mondays I had with Vienna. I sat down next to her and she looked the other direction. I didn’t understand why she had been ignoring me, but this was going to be the end of it!
“Did I do something to you?” I asked her. She shook her head and looked at me.
“No, I just feel bad about you being kicked off the team,” Vienna told me. I shrugged. The more that I thought about it, the more I realized how much stress had been removed from my life since I quit volleyball.
“Don’t worry about it, I barely miss it,” I told her honestly. She looked at me skeptically and I told her about how much stress has been lifted in my life recently. She smiled.
“That’s great, Elle. I’m glad you’re happy. And I’m glad you’re doing better. I mean, I was so worried about you during practices. And when coach asked, I just had to tell her…” I stopped her.
“Coach asked you about me? And you told her…? Well what did you tell her?!” This was starting to make me a little upset.
“She asked if I thought you were putting your all into the game. I told her you hadn’t really been all there and you hadn’t really been eating,” Vienna said. “I had no idea she would take it to mean I didn’t think you could play.”
“You’re the reason I got kicked off the team!” By now there were a lot of people in the lecture a hall and I moved to the opposite side of the room. That was it. Vienna had some kind of nerve ignoring me after she ruined my dreams.
The anger I felt stayed with me all day and I didn’t leave my room after my classes were over. I simply sat in there reading the book I borrowed from Gladys. It was getting pretty good and I was getting pretty far into it, when there was a knock on my door. I put the bookmark inside and went to the door. It opened unto Tito.
“Hey,” Tito said. “I was just going to get some dinner and I wondered if you wanted to join me...” he took a look at me. “Whoa, you look pissed. Did something happen?” I let out a breath and nodded.
“Someone I thought was my friend stabbed me in the back,” I told him. “Nothing unusual.” He gave me a sympathetic look and I wanted to hug him.
“So, do you want to join me for dinner in the dining halls?” He asked. I was about to say no when I realized I’d been so angry I’d skipped all of the other meals of the day. So I nodded and walked to the cafeteria with him.
“Hey, Tito,” I said as we sat down at a table, him with some sort of barbeque and me with a bowl of cereal.
“Yes?” He asked. I bit my lip and wondered how I was going to say this.
“Well, I know you like me,” I said, he started to say something but I held up my hand. “I just wanted to know that I’m not really looking for a boyfriend right now.” He bowed his head and looked a bit cowed.
“That’s okay,” he told me. I ruffled his hair.
“But if I was…I’d probably date you.” I went on to explain my need for self-appreciation first. He nodded and told me he understood. He smiled at me and I knew he’d hold me to saying I’d date him later when I was ready. And I was completely fine with that. He walked me to my room and I patted his head before closing the door on him.
I was assigned a paper in my psychology class and I decided I should probably get started on it. The fortune said to do it right. So I worked on the paper until about ten o’clock. I turned on my TV for the first time since I’d gotten to school and watched reruns of That 70’s Show until I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up at five o’clock and put on some shorts and a t-shirt. I slipped on my tennis shoes and walked downstairs and outside. I stood outside in the morning air stretching when Tito walked outside. He walked past me at first and I thought about calling his name, but he turned around.
“What? Have you never seen running clothes?” I asked him. He laughed at this.
“Yes, I have. What are you doing out here?” He asked. I rolled my eyes.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m going for a run. Did you want to join me?” He pretended to think about this for a minute.
“Sure, why not. But you should know, I run pretty fast.” I laughed at this and took off running. It didn’t take long for him to catch up. I made sure to get my breathing down right and was reminded of how much I actually liked running. I looked over at Tito.
“This fast paced enough for you?” I asked him. He nodded.
We ran together in silence for fifteen minutes only speaking to choose which direction we were headed. I was doing pretty well until we got to about twenty minutes. I fell a bit behind Tito, but I continued to run. Then I couldn’t run anymore. My legs literally gave out and I fell to the ground. Tito stopped running when he reached the corner and turned around to see where I was. He raced back to me and helped me to a bench.
“Are you alright?” Tito asked me. I nodded.
“Yeah, I think I might be rushing how much I’ve been running though,” I told him. He nodded and went to get me a water bottle from a nearby vending machine. He sat down next to me as I drank the water.
“How long has it been since your last run?” He asked. I thought about it for a minute.
“About a month,” I said. He shook his head.
“You should have told me that. You don’t go from zero running to a lot of running. Especially when…” he trailed off then.
“Especially when you’re not eating the way you should be eating.” I finished for him. He nodded. I finished off the bottle of water and stood up.
“You sure you’re ready to get up?” I nodded. He stood up and we walked back to the dorms.
“So, I’m going to change and stuff before I have to get to class,” I said.
“Aren’t you going to get some breakfast too?” I hadn’t thought about breakfast.
“I suppose I’ll get some breakfast. Why?”
“Just thought it’d be a good idea. Especially if you’re running with me again tomorrow.” I smiled and told him I would get some breakfast and I would definitely be running with him tomorrow morning.
I just had to get through the day before I thought about tomorrow. First there were classes. This was followed by other necessary things on my checklist. And that meant confronting Vienna. I wasn’t really mad about being kicked off the volleyball team. Anymore. When it had first happened I was a complete wreck. That’s when everything really went off the deep end.
Ever since sophomore year I had this dream, to get a volleyball scholarship. As high school went on it became more of my plan. I would play volleyball and play my hardest and when the scouts started coming I would wow them with how devoted I was to the game. Even when my parents split up and I stopped eating as much I continued to give my all to the game. My coach always told me she admired my drive.
By the time I’d been drafted for the university team I had completely stopped eating. Not even the lack of nourishment stopped me from going to every single practice. It didn’t stop me from putting my all into the game. Then Vienna asked me about it one day. I told her I was fine, but she continued to watch my eating patterns, or lack thereof. Eventually I stopped playing as well as I once had and even my drive to be the best player didn’t stop me from playing horrible. Then I got cut.
When the coaches told me I was no longer on the team I felt as though the world was ending. I got into my car and just drove. I didn’t think about where I was going and eventually it didn’t matter. My vision started getting hazy and the next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital bed.
My secret was out and my family was freaked. My dad more than anyone. He wanted me to come and stay with him until school started in the fall but Mom insisted I go to a rehabilitation facility. Mom used Dad’s alimony to pay for it.
My sister came to visit once and Dad visited every chance he got. Mom visited every other weekend. I barely spoke to her. I felt Dad could have provided the care I needed just as well as these people. He was a psychiatrist after all. But Mom would rather throw her money away on rehab. Near the end of the summer I started to realize that maybe she was right though. Even though Dad might have had the knowledge, he was too close to me to be distanced from the situation. I told her thank you when it was all over. She didn’t think much of it, just gave me a hug and took me to school.
But after all I went through I wanted to know why Vienna didn’t tell me what was going on. Why did she let coach blindside me by kicking me off? So I went to her dorm room and knocked on the door. She opened the door and almost closed it immediately. I held the door open.
“I’m not mad anymore,” I told her. “I just was wondering why you didn’t just tell me coach was going to kick me off.”
“Elle, she didn’t tell me she was going to kick you off,” Vienna said. “But I should have let you know she talked to me. I’m sorry.” I reached out and gave her a hug. Deep down I knew Vienna wasn’t a bad person. I had played volleyball with her for four years. Even if we weren’t necessarily friends, we would always be teammates. I told her this and she nodded in agreement. I told her goodbye and walked to Gladys’ dorm.
She opened the door and I noticed there was a guy on her bed. It was like reverse déjà vu.
“Sorry, didn’t know about your guy here,” I said. But then I noticed it was an exact reverse déjà vu. Minus the her telling me they were just friends part. Tito was sitting on her bed and I was standing in the doorway feeling like a complete and total fool. Why would I think Tito would wait around for me? Didn’t I talk to Gladys about how I didn’t want to date anyone right now? Why was I so upset if I didn’t want to date? These are the things that rushed through my head before I made the decision to run.
The run was a really short one though, since I only ran to my room down the hall. I shut the door behind me and breathed heavily. I felt that my legs were surely going to give out again. I felt in no way strong enough to deal with this. But what exactly was I dealing with? My two friends were dating, it was honestly that simple. So why did it feel like a betrayal? Why did every beat my heart made make me feel as though I was going to fall apart?
There was a knock on the door and I ignored it. Two more knocks. I still ignored them.
“Gabrielle, please open the door,” Tito said. “I need to know you’re not in there throwing up everything you did or didn’t eat today.” I scoffed.
“Does it SOUND like I’m puking?” I questioned.
“No, but that got you to answer,” he said. I turned around and opened the door. He walked into my room and sat down on my bed.
“Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” I asked him bitterly. He nodded and combed his hand through his hair.
“Why did you run away panicked after you came to Gladys’ room? Did something happen?” Tito questioned. I threw my hands up in the air.
“You were in Gladys’ room!” I yelled. He looked confused.
“So? I was in here on Saturday.”
“I know, but that was different we were just hanging out…”
“Yeah, so were Gladys and I.” Oh. I could feel the blush start to cover my entire face. His mouth formed an O. “You thought Gladys and I were…but you know I…wait, does this mean you…?” As I tried to figure out which of his half questions I wanted to answer Tito walked over to me. As I tried to figure out how I felt about what he had asked, Tito kissed me.
I couldn’t believe it. It was something I wanted, but had never expected. It was the best first kiss I’d ever had. And I’d had plenty of first kisses. Well, four. But none of that was going through my head as I was kissing Tito. The only thing I thought about was getting more of those kisses, keeping Tito with me as long as possible. I grabbed onto him and as the kiss ended I clung tightly to his chest. He put his arms around me and held me close.
“I’m glad you are just friends with Gladys,” I told him. He laughed at this and I laughed as well.
“Gab, it’s only been a day since you and I talked about how I liked you. Do you think I’d change my mind that quickly?” He asked. I shrugged.
“I’ve known people to be that way before. I’m sorry for overreacting.” He waved this off and I sat down on my bed.
“Don’t worry, Gab,” Tito told me. “I’ll just hold it over your head for the first few months of our relationship.” I laughed.
“Oh, thanks, for a moment I was beginning to feel bad about it.” He laughed then too and sat down next to me. I looked at my watch, it was eight o’clock. “I missed dinner,” I said with a small frown. The dining halls were closed now and I was actually hungry. Today was a day of firsts and surprises. Tito shook his head.
“You really shouldn’t skip meals,” he told me. I rolled my eyes and he grabbed my hand as he got to his feet. “C’mon! We’re going to Smoothies.” I got up and followed behind him, our fingers intertwined. We got into his car and he looked over at me with a smile as he started up the engine.
“What?” I asked. He leaned over the center console and kissed me again.
“I just wanted to kiss you again,” he said. I smiled and didn’t stop during our meal of smoothies. I didn’t stop smiling on the ride home either. We walked back inside the dorm, both of us smiling and I told him I’d see him bright and early for running in the morning. He kissed me one last time and we went to our dorms.
Well, he went to his dorm. I went to talk to Gladys. I knocked on her door and she opened it right away. I skipped inside and she looked at me like I had lost my mind.
“Tito kissed me!” I yelled. “We’re dating now.” Gladys laughed and sat down on her bed.
“Well, I told you it would happen. I told him it would happen too,” she said. I sat down next to her.
“Really? Is that what you two were talking about?” I asked. She nodded. I laughed. “Is that what people always do when I’m not around?” She nudged me with her elbow.
“Yeah, because people are only capable of talking about some skinny ass girl and how she really does want to date this short guy.” I shoved her lightly.
“Fine, I suppose the whole world doesn’t center on me.” We talked for about an hour about how Tito and I ended up kissing. I admitted I thought they were dating at first and she waved it off. She told me she actually had a boyfriend in her home town. Eventually I decided to go to bed because I was running again in the morning.
Tito and I ran, but not for as long. He kept glancing at me, making sure I was still there. This was almost as sweet as it was irritating. When we got back to the building he smiled at me and I decided not to let him know the looking back thing was bothering me. We said goodbye for now and I started thinking as I walked up the stairs.
What did I really know about Tito? I had only known him for a little over a week. Was that enough time to build a relationship? Of course not, but we’d get to know more about each other as we continued dating. My mind was trying to make me get rid of him because my mind still wasn’t well. I got to my room and got ready for the day. It was Wednesday and I had first period with Vienna again. I smiled, this time class would be a lot more bearable. I grabbed my books and went to class.
After all of my classes were done for the day I sent Gladys a text to see where she was. She was still in class so I went to the dining hall by myself. All I had to do was swipe my card and leave. That way people would think I ate something, but I didn’t really have to eat anything. But it was not to be for John and Tara recognized me right away and insisted I sit with them. I grabbed a bowl of pasta and headed their way.
I sat down next to Tara and took a bite of the pasta. I made sure not to gag when I was chewing and swallowing and I could tell they were watching me.
“You know I was kidding about the whole pizza thing, right?” She asked me. I nodded and swallowed another bite of pasta.
“Sure did,” I told her. She nodded like she didn’t quite believe me, but she didn’t say anything more about it. We ate in silence for a few minutes before I asked them how they knew Tito.
“Tito and I grew up next door to each other,” Tara explained. “We actually dated for a few years in high school. But that was before I met John.” They had dated, that must have been why Tito was so defensive of her.
“He actually doesn’t like me too terribly much,” John added. “I kind of stole this one away…” Hence why he said John brought out the bitch in Tara. I could definitely see that.
“How does Max fit into the picture?” I asked.
“Max has been one of Tito’s best friends since grade school,” Tara told me. “Why the sudden interest in Tito’s background?” I bit my lip and decided to just tell her the truth, after all she cheated on him in the first place.
“Tito and I are kind of dating now,” I said simply. Tara opened her mouth and tried to stifle a laugh. I rolled my eyes, quickly ate a few more bites of pasta. “Well, this was nice and all, but I have to go,” I said as I stood up and walked away. There was no way she could play that off as just joking. But I honestly didn’t care. Instead I walked up to my room and got started on some math homework. It was a small project, but I was going to do it right. After it was finished I picked the fortune up off my desk and tore it in half. Another one fulfilled.

“Listen these next few days to your friends to get the answers you seek.”
I was sitting across from Gladys at Huan’s Chicken and I read the fortune aloud. She smiled maniacally at this. She had just been talking to me about the infrequency with which I talked to her these past two weeks.
“So now you HAVE to listen to me,” Gladys said. I threw a piece of the cookie at her and shook my head.
“Not necessarily,” I told her, “I have other friends.” She pretended to laugh at this and told me I didn’t have any other real friends.
I had invited her to get Chinese food with me because I felt bad about not spending as much time with her since Tito and I started dating. I realized I didn’t like being one of those girls who drops everything to spend time with her boyfriend. Huan’s Chicken wasn’t very far off campus so we walked together. I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, but I didn’t look at it. I told Tito I would be with Gladys and I wasn’t planning on ignoring her to talk to him.
We got the bill, paid for our food and started walking back to Tent House. I took the opportunity to look at my phone when she answered hers. It turned out Tito hadn’t called me, but my dad had. I called him back.
“Well, hello Ms. Too-busy-to-call-home. How is school going?” Dad said by way of answering his phone. I knew I had been forgetting something.
“I am so sorry I didn’t call you,” I told him. “School is going pretty well. I already have a new boyfriend.”
“Are you sure that’s something you want to be doing right now? Gab, school can be a very stressful thing if you’re balancing a romance along with it,” my father informed me.
“I know, Dad. Tito’s a good guy,” I said. “He makes sure I eat.” I added for good measure. Dad let out a breath.
“Fine, as long as you keep up with school. I love you, Gab.”
“Love you too, Daddy,” I said and we got off the phone. Gladys was already off her phone and she smiled at me.
“Call from your dad too?” She asked. I nodded and told her I had forgotten to call him since I’d been here.
When we got back to the dorm I was surprised to see someone waiting outside of my door. I was even more surprised when I saw it was Isaac. He noticed me walking toward him and started walking towards me. He pulled me into a hug.
“Is this the only way I get to see you anymore?” He asked me after we pulled apart.
“Yes. Yes, it is,” I informed him. “Oh, Isaac, this is my friends Gladys. Gladys this is my friend Isaac.” They shook hands and Gladys told me she was going back to her room. I let Isaac into my room and he immediately sat down on my bed.
“So, I came here for a reason,” Isaac told me. I sat down next to him.
“And what reason is that?” I questioned. He took my hand in both of his. I was starting to get nervous about this reason.
“Remember how we used to date?” Already off to a bad start.
“Yeah, I remember. Remember how it ended?” I was trying to remind him it ended badly. I told him I loved him and he broke up with me.
“Well, I would like to respond differently to when you told me you loved me.” Oh. No. I put my hand up to stop him.
“Don’t say it. Isaac, I have to tell you, I have a boyfriend. His name is Tito and we’ve been dating for almost two weeks. His mouth formed an O shape. I nodded.
“Well, I don’t think it matters. I love you, Gabrielle.” Great now I was in a difficult situation. I mean, I really liked Tito, but I had been waiting around for Isaac for a while. I didn’t know what to do.
“Listen, Isaac, you’re going to have to give me a day or two to think about this,” I told him. He stood up then and told me he’d be back later tomorrow.
When Isaac was gone I decided to call Tito. I thought it would only be fair to tell him what was going on. He answered on the third ring.
“Hey, you. I thought you were spending the evening with Gladys,” Tito said.
“Well, it started that way. But my friend Isaac showed up,” I informed him.
“Isaac, like the Isaac you used to date?”
“That’s the one…he’s gone now, but he came to shake things up.”