Chapter 4

Four-Tess
Jillian was crying and screaming the whole way home and I had James to thank for it. I really felt like calling him up and making him listen to this for fifteen minutes. I carried Jillian inside and set her down in front of the TV to let her calm down with a movie. Today had not been the best; although, it wasn’t at all near the worst. James had approached me first thing in the morning at school and asked me if I was okay, which made absolutely no sense, since I had only seen him briefly at the grocery store before making my excuses and going home. Then he kept trying to talk to me during the day, like he was keeping an eye on me. He seemed to know I’d had a rough night, which was odd, but sweet, considering he was trying to make me feel better. I felt bad for turning down the ice cream, and for being rude, but I really didn’t have the money to waste on a treat. I decided I should call him and apologize for my temper, he’d put his number in my phone at lunch so I could “contact him if I really needed to.” It was a nice gesture, but I think he was over-confident when he put himself in there as “My Hero”.
“Hey, it’s me,” he answered. He sounded distracted.
“Hey, I was just calling to apologize about earlier…Are you okay?” I asked him. He was quiet a moment.
“Yeah, don’t worry about earlier. I understand what a tough time is like. I’m fine, just got some interesting news,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I questioned. There was an intake of breath on the other end.
“My mom asked her girlfriend to move in with us,” James told me. I was floored.
“Your mom has a… I didn’t know your mom was a…” I didn’t know how to finish any of these sentences without sounding offensive. James chuckled on the other end of the line.
“Yeah, she’s gay. It’s fine for you to be shocked, I won’t take it personally. People just aren’t used to it at first,” he said simply.
“So, I guess we don’t like this woman,” I inferred.
“It’s not that, it’s just,” James went on to explain how his mother’s past relationships had worked and how he didn’t know if he could handle seeing another woman around the house. I fed him the best advice I could think of, to take things one day at a time, to try to get to know her better. He agreed and asked to talk to Jillian before he hung up. I walked over to my sister.
“Hey, Jillie, a boy’s on the phone for you,” I said. She took the phone from my hand and said hello. She listened for a little while, laughed, said something about the park, and hung up. Jillian walked over to me and put her arms around me as best she could. “What’s this for?” I asked. Jillian smiled.
“It’s from the boy,” she said, giggling. She sat back down and continued to watch the television. I sat down next to her and started in on my homework.
Dad got home an hour later and demanded that he have something to eat. I looked up at him.
“Dad, we really don’t have anything. Ten dollars got us milk, a box of cereal, and some bananas,” I told him. He walked over and towered over me.
“Are you saying you spent all that money on breakfast?!” Dad yelled. I nodded. He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me into a standing position. “What is wrong with you? Do you know how hard I work? You just sit here watching TV with your sister, do you expect me to do everything for you?!” I shook my head. I never thought that, I had no time to think about how he was doing everything while I was doing everything.
“No, it’s just…someone needs to be with Jillian, she can’t stay home alone,” I said. Dad threw my arm away from him.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about what a hassle that was myself. Probably would be best to send that girl to your grandma’s house for awhile. Then you can get a proper job and start acting your age,” Dad told me. I didn’t know what shocked me more, the fact he wanted to send Jillian away or the fact that he didn’t think I was acting my age.
“Dad, you can’t send her away. She needs me,” I said. What I meant was, I needed her, but Dad would never go for that. Dad shook his head.
“She’ll be better of at Pearl’s. ‘Sides, I already worked it out with her. Grandma Pearl will be here in the morning. Pack your sister’s stuff up, will you,” Dad said. He grabbed something and left the house again. I didn’t know where he was going, and I didn’t care. I was too upset. My phone rang again and I answered it despite the tears falling down my face and my ragged breaths.
“Hello?” I answered shakily.
“Hey, I’ll be there in ten minutes,” James said. He didn’t ask how I was, he simply told me he’d be here. How did he even know where here was? But that didn’t stop him because sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Jillian ran and opened the door. I was sitting on the sofa, curled into a tight ball trying to hold back tears, and failing miserably. “Where’s your sister?” I heard James say.
“Couch,” Jillian responded. He closed the door and I could hear him walking towards me. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back. I didn’t move at first, just kept crying, and he didn’t say anything, just let me get it all out. I had finally regained some semblance of composure and moved myself into a sitting position.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” James asked. I shook my head. I was absolutely not okay.
“Dad’s sending Jillian to go live with our grandma. She lives in Maine. MAINE. I’ll never see her,” I said and new tears burned in my eyes. Talking about it made it worse. Talking made it real. James gathered me in his arms and I just cried.
“It’s going to be all right. Maybe she’ll be better off there,” James said. I looked at him.
“How can she be better off away from me, I’m her sister!” I yelled.
“I know, and this is totally unfair. I don’t know what I can do,” he said. That’s when an idea started to form in my head. We could run away.
“We’ll run,” I said pulling myself upright, out of James’ arms. He looked at me.
“Run? Where would you run to? You don’t mean AWAY, away, do you? He’d have the police after you within minutes of figuring out you’d left,” James told me. I shook my head.
“We have to, it’s the only way. We’d be better off without him. I can get a job; I’ll find us a place for us to live. We’ll show him. We’ll show everyone,” I said. James took my hand.
“I can’t let you do that. If you run things will only get worse. Facing things head on is the only way to go,” he said. Why did he have to shoot down my plan? It was a solid idea, it could work. But then I remembered something.
Once, when I was six, my mother told me we’d run away, we’d escape my father and live on our own. We had everything packed and were about to get into the car when he got home. Mom was almost to the car when he ran at her. I had never seen anything so violent before, especially not from one of my parents. Mom stayed down and I got out of the car to help her. Dad scooped me up and brought me inside instead. He told me Mom was tired and wanted to take a nap. I believed him and I went and slept in my own bed.
Dad would never let us escape. As I realized this my boiling anger turned into stone cold dread. Jillian could escape, Mom escaped, but I couldn’t. James looked very worried.
“I can never escape,” I said. He touched my shoulder.
“You can never escape from what?” James asked. I knew what I was about to say would horrify him, but I felt like I should let him know what he was up against, should my father arrive home soon.
“My dad,” I said simply. He looked extremely concerned.
“What do you mean by that? Is he violent? Does he hit you or Jillian?” He asked.
“Not often, only when he’s angry, which is more often now than I’d like to admit. Gosh, it’s good he’s getting Jillian out of here, even if it is for his own selfish reasons, at least she’ll be safe,” I said. I looked at my sister. She was oblivious to the conversation going on and was playing with a doll, rocking it back and forth. I felt as though the crying had drained me of all possible emotion, I felt numb in a way that I knew I was upset, but I didn’t feel it strongly at all.
“But what about you?” he questioned, “Will you be safe?” I couldn’t answer that one for sure, so I shrugged.
“Who knows, but that’s not important as long as she’s okay. That’s all that really matters to me right now,” I said. I got up and went back into the bedroom I shared with my sister. I pulled out a suitcase from under the bed and began to fill it with Jillian’s things. Her clothes I folded up nicely and her books I stuck on top. James stood in the doorway, watching me. I lifted her bear to my chest and hugged it tightly, tears spilling silently down my cheeks. I only allowed myself to cry now because Dad wouldn’t get the satisfaction of tears if he didn’t see them. I dragged the suitcase to the front door and carried Jillian, who’d fallen asleep in front of the television, into our room. I tucked her in and kissed her forehead, trying hard not to think about this probably being the last time I would ever do this.
I walked into the main room again and sat down on the sofa. James sat down next to me.
“Are you going to be okay?” He asked. I didn’t know why he was here anymore. Most people would flee if they heard someone had a violent parent, wouldn’t they?
“Yes, I will. What are you even doing here?” I asked. He looked hurt.
“Do you think I would leave after hearing something like that? I called you earlier to ask you out on a date. I still want to go out with you, no matter what your father does. I’m used to dads not liking me,” James said. I was blown away. It had been a long time since anyone had cared to ask me out and I was genuinely flattered.
“Oh. Well, I guess we could go out some time, sure,” I said, “dating it is.” He kissed my cheek and stood up.
“You just hang in there, okay? I’ll do whatever you need me to do,” he told me. This sounded totally corny, but there was definitive feeling behind his voice. He sounded as if he were sure of himself in a way I’d never heard anyone be before. It even made me believe hope was out there. I nodded and he left. I walked back into the bedroom and lay down next to my sister. I held Jillian close and cried myself to sleep that night. It wasn’t the first time, and something told me it wouldn’t be the last either.
When I woke up the next morning Jillian was gone. I was outraged. I realized I’d probably exhausted myself with all of the crying I’d done and was so soundly asleep I didn’t hear them. I thought I would have time to say goodbye, but my father had even deprived me of that. I got ready and sped to school. I was there twenty minutes earlier than usual and sat down under a tree near the front steps. Only a few people were there already and it was kind of chilly, but it was better than being at home. I felt safe at school. A few minutes later Elaine was standing next to me.
“I heard about what your dad did. Are you okay?” Elaine asked. James had told her all about Dad sending Jillian away. Oddly enough I wasn’t mad at him, James I mean. How could I be mad when he told her so I would have someone to talk to? Elaine was my best friend after all.
“She was gone when I woke up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hug her one last time. Nothing. And this is all his fault! I hate HIM so much!” I yelled. Elaine sat down next to me and put her arms around me. She told me to let it all out, and I did. I even punched and kicked the tree a few times. It was what I needed to get my frustration out. James arrived a little bit later. My voice was hoarse, so Elaine told him what I had told her. James wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest. He stroked my hair as I cried. I didn’t know how I still had any tears left with all of the crying I’d been doing lately, but I guess I’d been saving up all of my life and today was the day the dam broke.
“It’s going to be alright,” he said. I didn’t know how he could be so sure, but I wanted to believe him more than anything.