Chapter 8

Eight-Tess
I couldn’t believe she’d said those things in front of James. Even more I couldn’t believe she completely changed gears when she noticed it was him. I looked him in the eyes, my cheeks aflame.
“Are you ok?” James asked. I nodded.
“Of course I’m fine, she’s just like that, besides, you were quick to change her mind,” I said. I knew it sounded bitter, but I didn’t care. He took my chin in his hand and turned my face to look me in the eye.
“Hey, don’t be like that,” he said, “I was just looking out for you.” I nodded. Everyone was “just looking out for me”. I didn’t need constant surveillance. I looked away again and picked up my trash.
“I don’t need someone to watch me. I do what I please,” I said. He looked completely thrown, but it didn’t matter to me. I began to walk away, but I felt horrible for being so mean. “I’m sorry!” I said running back to him. He took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.
“You’re fine, I’m not upset with you,” James told me. I nodded.
“I’ve got to get back to work,” I told him. He kissed me and I walked back inside to do all of the vacuuming, the next thing on my list.
Owen peeked in on me when it was time to leave. I waved and he walked over to where I was standing, having just finished cleaning the kitchen.
“Hey, is my mom being a royal pain in the ass?” Owen wanted to know. I didn’t know how to answer this question, unsure if he liked his mother or not. “Hey, tell me honestly,” he said. I nodded.
“Well, could you maybe tell her not to talk down to me so much?” I asked. I hated all the things she said about “poor people” as if all of us fell into the same category titled “people below me”. Owen nodded.
“Anything else? A girl of my friend’s is basically that friend,” he said. I smiled. I gave him a pat on the arm and went back home.
James was waiting for me at the front door. I squinted at him and saw a smile there upon his face. I stood next to him for a minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed him.
“What are we doing standing outside?” I asked curiosity in every syllable. He smiled slyly.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he said. I nodded, I did want to know. He simply took my hand and we got into his car. His first stop was at the Smoothie King. He ordered for us, since I’d never been there. As I sipped on my Passion Passport smoothie I loved everything about this night, even if it had just started. He watched me enjoy the smoothie and I watched him enjoying me. After we were finished there we went to the miniature golf course where he taught me how to swing a golf club, I’d never been mini golfing before. I had missed out on so many things because of my dad, and here I was experiencing something children may even do before they can remember it, for the first time.
I was absolutely horrible, but James said I did a good job for a beginner. I highly doubted that, I had landed two balls in the pond and one on the roof of the windmill however impossible that might seem. He told me that he’d never be able to do that, even if he tried. None of this mattered to me though because I was just glad to be there with James. He took my hand and we walked around the park next to the mini golf course. The night was beautiful; the stars in the sky seemed to twinkle just for us. I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I’d actually watched the stars.
Jillian wouldn’t sleep. Mom had killed herself two days ago and I wasn’t ready to face the nightmares yet. Jillian was screaming her lungs out and I didn’t want to wake Dad, so I took her outside in her stroller. The cool night breeze seemed to comfort her. I picked her up out of the stroller and we sat down in one of our old picnic chairs. I positioned her in my lap so she could see the stars.
“Look, Jillie, see that one? I bet that’s Mom, looking down and watching us,” I said. The baby made a soft noise and I smiled. “As long as you can see those stars, Jillian, you can convince yourself you’re not alone. Mom might have left us, but we’ll be here for each other.” In that instant I realized how much weight I put on her. That baby was dependent on me, and I on her. I promised her I’d never leave her with Dad, I’d let him kill me before he could get near her.
I didn’t recognize where I was when I looked up. I was crying that much I knew from the hot tears on my cheeks. James put an arm around me and kissed my temple.
“What’s the matter?” James asked. I blinked a few times and wiped my eyes.
“Just thinking about how I told Jillian about the stars when she was just a baby, I told her that she’d never be alone with the stars shining above her. I told her Mom was watching us from above. I told her I’d let Dad kill me before I’d let anything happen to her. It was all for me though, the promises, the comfort of having someone there. I let her down so much. The worst part is she doesn’t even know I let her down,” I said. James rubbed slow circles into my back.
“You did not let that girl down, she is better off with your grandma, you know that. I know that if you doubted she’d be safe there, you would have done everything in your power to keep her here. I would have helped you. She knows you love her more than anything, God, I wish you could see how much that child loves you,” James said. I looked up into his eyes. They were so sure, so convicted that I felt a little better about it.
“You think?” I asked, still not totally convinced, but wanting to be. He nodded.
“I know. Her eyes lit up when she saw you coming and she looked about to cry when you were crying on the sofa that night. You mean the world to that kid and nothing will change that,” he said.
“What if she forgets me?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“How can she do that when she’s going to see you all of the time?” James asked. All of the time? What was he talking about? James took my hand again and we drove back to his house. A white SUV was in the driveway and I had no idea who the owner was. James took my hand as we walked inside and as I opened the door I hear a joyous shriek.
“Mommy!!!” My sister shouted as she ran towards me at epic speed for a two year old. I grabbed her up in my arms and held her so close to me. I was crying again, and I was too happy to say anything.
“I missed you,” Jillian told me as we sat down on the couch. I kissed her forehead.
“Aw, kid, I missed you more than you can imagine,” I replied. James sat down next to me and I looked up at him.
“Did you plan this?” I asked him. He shrugged, but the blush gave him away. I leaned against him and Jillian gave him a hug.
“I love you,” Jillian said. James kissed her cheek and she giggled before settling into me again.
“I love both of you,” James replied. Both of us. James. Loved. Both. Of. Us. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but I knew better than to stay silent.
“I love you too,” I said. It felt right, us being here in this very moment, together like a normal family. “How can I ever thank you enough? You got me out of my dad’s house, you let me stay in your home, and now you brought my sister back. I just can’t imagine what I did to deserve this,” I told him. He simply kissed my cheek.
“You’re the one who stayed with your mom, even when your dad was horrible. You’re the one who took care of Jillian when no one else was there, and finally, you’re the one who let her go despite how much you needed her. Darling, it was the least I could do,” he replied. I buried my head in his chest and he put Jillian on the ground so he could encircle me in his arms.
The rest of the night was wonderful, Jillian and I played board games and James just watched us, letting us bond. When it was time for Jillian to go to bed I carried her up to my room and tucked her in to the little trundle bed Trudy had set up for her. I kissed her forehead and told her I was here again. I told her I would never let her go again. She fell asleep and I went downstairs and threw my arms around James.
“How did you do it? How did you get in touch with my grandma?” I asked him, simply because I didn’t even know how to reach her. He shrugged.
“When you’re mom’s a lawyer, you get to know some pretty helpful people,” he told me.
“I love you so much,” I told him. I was so happy I was almost sad, like when you watch the final episode of your favorite TV show and it’s perfect, but you know that it means the show’s over. I kissed him and he could tell there were sad thoughts racing through my mind.
“Why are you sad?” He asked me. I looked into his eyes, his wonderful blue eyes that were so blue you could mistake them for the ocean.
“It seems almost too good. I mean, I’m so happy here with you and Jillian’s back, but it seems like the bad is going to be coming now,” I told him. He kissed my forehead and we sat down on the couch.
“It’s going to only get better from here,” James said. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
The next day was Sunday, meaning I didn’t have to work. It also meant Church. James asked me what time we usually went to church on Sundays and I told him that we didn’t. Dad wasn’t one to admit he needed help, nor was he the kind of person to be sorry for what he did, much less ask for forgiveness. I had only been to mass with my mother once.
It was early on a Sunday morning, I was ten years old and my mom woke me up and told me to get dressed in something nice. I did as she told me and we got into the car. Mom’s eyes were red-rimmed and she looked frail in her bright yellow sundress.
“Where are we going, Mom?” I asked. I was scared by the sadness I could see behind her eyes.
“We’re going to Church. I need to ask the Big Guy for help,” she told me. At the time I was naïve enough to think she was getting some big huge guy to beat up Dad, like he beat us.
Mom had never talked much about God, and I was confused as she parked in front of this old building with colorful windows. We sat in a pew and she knelt down immediately, begging God to save us. I was completely baffled.
“Aren’t you going to get the big guy?” I asked. She looked at me and smiled sadly.
“Tess, God is the Big Guy. I’m praying for salvation from Daddy. Now you kneel down and ask God for help,” she told me. I did as she instructed and prayed for the first time.
God, I prayed, if you are there listening I wanted to ask for your help. Momma is scared and Daddy is mean. We need your help to make him stop. Please don’t let him hurt Momma anymore. I don’t care if he hits me, but don’t let him hurt her.
That was my first prayer. I prayed it every day for a month. For a while I thought it was working, but then everything got worse and I simply gave up on prayer altogether.
“I think I’ll just stay here with Jillian, she’s too rowdy to go to Church. I don’t want to disrupt people,” I said, evading the fact that I really didn’t think much use would come of going to mass.
“It’s fine, people understand kids can’t contain themselves,” James said. I let out a breath.
“Okay, I didn’t want to offend you, but I don’t believe God’s listening,” I told him. James just touched my shoulder.
“That’s okay, do what’s right for you. I just think it might help you to try to talk to Him,” James told me. I nodded.
“Okay, I mean I only went to mass once,” I admitted. Not to mention we didn’t really pay attention to what the priest was saying, we mostly said our silent prayers. I put on a skirt and a teal shirt that I thought would look good with James’ eyes, before I got Jillian ready. I took her hand and we walked out to James’ car together. “Isn’t Trudy coming?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“She’s technically living in sin according to the Church. They tend to frown upon homosexuality being acted upon,” he said. I was confused.
“Then why do you go?” I asked, not to be mean, but because I really wanted to know. He looked at the floor.
“My Dad’s there every week, I feel it’s the one thing he’s proud of me for,” James said. I kissed his cheek.
“I bet your Dad is proud of you for many things. You’re a wonderful artist, I bet he loves your work,” I said. This made James frown.
“He hates the fact that I paint. He thinks I’m going to be gay just because my mom is. I mean, what kind of crap is that,” he said. I nodded in Jillian’s direction. “Sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry he’s like that. If he can’t realize how amazing you are then it’s his loss,” I said. He didn’t look like he believed me and I kissed his cheek.
“I’m nothing special,” James said. I shook my head.
“You are special though, you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. I would be much worse off without you,” I said. He kissed me and took my hand.
“Maybe you make me want to be a better person,” he said. I smiled. He made me want to be a better person. That’s why I decided to attend mass with him. We headed out to the car and buckled Jillian into the backseat. “Do you know where we’re going, Jill?” James asked her.
“No. Where?” She asked.
“We’re going to talk to God,” he told her. She looked confused. “God is the guy who made this whole world, Jillie, He made you, and me, and everyone else.”
“Is God bigger than Daddy?” Jillian asked. I looked at the two year old and nodded.
“So much bigger, Jill,” I told her. She smiled; this answer satisfied her just as it satisfied me all those years ago.