I Hope This Will Tide You Over

“That other stuff impacts people too. There would be a lot of sad people if the world went on a day without you.” I kissed him and we walked inside together. The first thing I experienced when the door opened unto their living room was the smell of food. It was a mixture of bread and some sort of pasta. It was divine. Then, out of nowhere Tito’s mom walks over and embraced me. I had never been hugged by a stranger before, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
His mom was on the shorter side, which is not too unusual for me because I’m kind of tall, being a volleyball player. She had short blonde hair and her eyes were a sort of aquamarine color.
It was only two o’clock so Tito’s younger siblings were still in school for another forty-five minutes. His dad and older sister were both working which left his mom at home with his niece, which she didn’t mind. Shiloh was the most adorable baby I had ever seen. Lucy, as I was instructed to call Tito’s mother, led us into further into the living room and we sat down on the couch.
“So, Gabriella, tell me a bit about yourself,” Lucy said.
“Umm,” I didn’t want to correct her on my name, but I knew if I didn’t do it now, I would never be able to do it. “Well, my name is GabriELLE. And I used to play volleyball.” She rocked Shiloh in her arms.
“Really, volleyball. Well that’s a great sport. Did you just decide not to play in college?” Lucy asked. I bit my lip. I forgot to ask Tito if he told his family about my eating disorder. It was looking more and more like he hadn’t. No big deal, they didn’t need to know.
“I decided to focus more on my studies,” I told her.
“Well, that’s good. What exactly are you studying?”
“Theater, actually. What did you study in college?”
“Oh, I studied the culinary arts,” she told me. No wonder her food smelled so good. That and the fact she had all the time to practice with all the meals she made for her family. I suppose that was a bit of a harsh thought.
“No wonder everything smells so good,” I told her. Not that I would eat any of it. Okay, the bad thoughts were just flowing. I reached out and took Shiloh into my own arms. She was fussy for a little bit, but she eventually quieted down and fell asleep right in my arms.
“You are really good with babies,” Tito told me as his mom went to check on the food. I shrugged.
“I guess it was a hidden talent.” He smiled and put an arm around me. We talked in hushed voices for a little while. Then Lucy walked back into the room and there was a flash.
“Sorry,” she said as I blinked a few times and Tito scooted back. “You guys just looked so adorable. Just like she was your own.” This statement made me completely and totally uncomfortable. I shifted, stood, and put the baby in her crib. “Oh, Gabrielle, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” I shook my head.
“It’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting a picture,” I said to her. “Or for you to be expecting children of me.” I said under my breath to Tito. He nudged me lightly. Did all mothers think the girls their sons brought home from college were going to be “the one”? I surely hoped not. I wasn’t ready for marriage, and I definitely wasn’t ready for a baby. I wasn’t able to take care of myself, much less another human being. The whole thought process was stressing me out.
“Earth to Gabs,” Tito whispered in my ear. I blinked again.
“Yes?” I asked.
“You zoned out and your face went white.” I bit my lip, that sounded like something that might have happened.
“Sorry, thinking about other things.” Lucy nodded.
“Alright, well Gabrielle, tell me more about yourself. There must be more to you than volleyball and theater. What did you do this past summer?” Wow, how in the world was I going to answer that question? Luckily I didn’t have to, for a that moment Tito’s siblings walked through the front door. Lucas was taller than I’d expected, mostly because I expected him to be shorter than Tito. Hailey and Isadora weren’t very tall, both of them around their mother’s height, maybe an inch taller. Tito stood up to greet them and I felt myself sink back into the couch cushion.
He ruffled Lucas’ hair and gave his sisters a hug. Then they all turned to me.
“Guys, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Gabrielle,” Tito said. I stood up then because, just as I had feared, I wouldn’t be able to fully submerge myself in the sofa. Hailey was the first to welcome me. She, like her mother, gave me a big hug.
“Wow, you are so thin!” Hailey exclaimed. “How are you able to be that thin?! I mean, I eat a piece of cake and half to run a mile and still I gain a pound.” Tito looked at me warily.
“God, Hailey, be more concerned about how much you weigh, why don’t you,” Isadora said.
“Dora, that is no way to talk to your sister,” Lucy told her.
“Sorry, Mom, but someone has to tell her it isn’t healthy to build a complex.”
“Guys, could you please stop talking about this in front of Gabrielle?” Tito asked of his family. Of course they all looked at him. “What? I just think it isn’t something to argue about right now.” They shrugged and Lucas walked over to stand beside me.
“So, you’re Gabrielle,” Lucas said. I nodded. “How’d you end up with a guy like that?”
“Well, he’s a great guy, and he’s very nice and…and why do you care?” I asked.
“Just wondering,” he said with a little move of his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.
“Well, don’t,” I told him in a clipped voice. Lucas shrugged and went into the kitchen.
“Mom, can I have some of this bread?!” Lucas shouted behind him.
“No, the bread is for dinner!” Lucy shouted back. “I want there to be plenty for our guest.” I shook my head.
“Actually, my stomach is a bit upset,” I told her. “Your food does smell delicious though.” Tito gave me a concerned look.
“Are you sure? You could just be hungry,” he told me. Lucy nodded in agreement.
“He’s probably right, you’re probably just hungry. Just wait until dinner. Tito, why don’t you show her to the guest room, she can maybe take a nap if she needs to.” Tito nodded, grabbed my bag and led me up the stairs. I followed him into a bedroom and sat down on the bed.
“So, you didn’t tell them,” I stated. He shook his head.
“No, I didn’t. I figured if you wanted them to know, you would tell them.” I pulled him onto the bed and rested my head on his shoulder.
“How can I tell them? They’ll look at me like I’m insane. I mean, you saw how your sister reacted. Of course thinking about food the way I do is unhealthy! I can’t look at anything edible and not think about how I shouldn’t be eating it.” Tito put his arms around me.
“I know, but you can’t just give up now. You went through all that treatment, you can do this, I know you can.” I nodded. He was right. That first month of treatment was almost unbearable, but I made it. I was still in the recovery process, that was all.
“You’re right, I just have to take it one meal at a time and I’ll be fine,” I said. He nodded, kissed my cheek, and then we went back downstairs.

Dinner started about an hour and a half later when Tito’s dad, Thomas, got home from work. It was like being in the fifties. We sat around one big table and passed the dishes clockwise around the table. The conversation was light, sticking mostly to Tito’s classes and how school was for his siblings. Hailey was up for the lead in the play, whatever it was going to be, and Isadora was getting pissed about the way stage crew was running.
“The crew leader, Meg, she doesn’t even show up to practices! How are we supposed to build a set if the crew leader isn’t there?! God, I should’ve been crew leader, I’m only a Junior, but still!” Lucy patted her arm.
“I’m sorry, honey, I’ll bet you get it next time.”
“Meg is in charge?” Tito asked. Isadora nodded. “Is she that girl who followed me around last year?” Hailey nodded vigorously.
“Yes! I remember that! She was like a stalker or something.” Tito looked over at me.
“She stole one of my shoes out of the house. I don’t even know how she did it. Just one day I was at school and she handed it to me.”
“Didn’t she say ‘thank you’ or something?” Lucas added. Tito nodded.
“She did!” He exclaimed. That was a very weird story to hear. I wondered if anyone ever liked me so much they would stalk me and steal things from my house. I then wondered why I thought having a stalker would be a good thing. It really wouldn’t.
“Freaky,” I said with a little laugh.
“Do you think you’ll be in town for the play?” Hailey asked Tito.
“I might be able to arrange it,” he said. She smiled and I could tell she was hoping he would make it. And I could tell he was going to be there.
“You should come too,” Hailey told me excitedly. I nodded my head.
“If I can, I will,” I told her. Lucas smiled.
“That would be a good weekend,” Lucas said. I shifted in my seat. Something about him made me nervous. I thought about this the rest of dinner as the light conversation danced in the air, the cadence of their voices familiar and strange at the same time. It was like a song I had heard, but it had been so long ago I barely remembered the words.

The next day Tito brought me over to his friend Shawn’s house to meet him and hang out. When we pulled into the driveway Tito looked over at me, no doubt to see if I was freaking out as much as I was when we got to his house. I wasn’t. In fact, I was barely feeling nervous about meeting his friend at all. After all, he was our age and I doubted he would judge me. We walked up to the door and Tito knocked on the door. The door swung open and standing there was a tall, lanky guy with mousy black hair and beady gray eyes. Not the type of guy I pictured Tito hanging out with. He pulled me into a hug first and my whole body felt itchy in his grasp. I can’t really describe it beyond that, but it was uncomfortable. Like he’d been wearing an invisible wool shirt.
“You must be Gabby,” Shawn said. I bit my lip, I hated being called Gabby.
“Yeah, this is Gabrielle. How you been, man?” Tito said as they did some sort of elaborate handshake. Obviously they were close friends. I could tell it had to have taken a bit of time to create that handshake. Much less perfect it to the degree they had.
“So, what do you guys do when you hang out?” I asked them.
“Well, we usually play Super Smash Bros. until one of us can’t take it anymore,” Shawn told me. Oh, this sounded like a treat…
“Have you ever played?” Tito asked. I shook my head.
“A n00b! Yes!!!” Shawn shouted as he headed down the stairs to his basement. I followed Tito downstairs as well and wondered how I could get out of this. Answer, I couldn’t. I just had to stay and watch. This is one thing girlfriends only have to do if they a.) like video games, b.) owe their boyfriend big time, or c.) have nothing else to do. I supposed I was both of the latter. I owed him for Isaac and I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.
I watched them play that game for an hour and a half. I luckily only had to play one round, “so I wasn’t considered a n00b”, and was able to text some people while they were playing. From what I inferred, they were each characters from other video games who had to fight each other until they ran out of lives. Then they switched characters and fought all over again. It was pretty boring as far as I was concerned. But the two of them looked like they were having the most fun they were capable of having.
After this grueling amount of time, I was to eat another meal with Tito’s family. Thomas had picked a Chinese place for us to eat, since it was his birthday. This would be great, I could get another fortune for myself. This was one of the only aspects of the meal I was looking forward to. Food itself made me rather uncomfortable and having to sit and eat with people who had no idea about my struggle was pretty difficult. Tito took my hand as we approached the restaurant.
“You’re doing a great job, Gabs. Seriously. I know you can make it through lunch,” he told me. But him just saying the word lunch made my head crazy and my stomach turned. I pulled back.
“No, I can’t do this. Not right now. Maybe I’ll try again later,” I said as I started to ease my way back to his car. He stood his ground, his hand still in mine.
“Gabrielle, you can do this, I promise.” He walked back to me and put his arm around my shoulders. “You can do this.” He kept saying. After about two minutes of this I took his hand again and we walked inside together. The family had a table reserved and Lucas was the only one there. He was leaning his head on the palm of his hand, his elbow resting on the table. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or not, but his eyes were closed. Tito and I sat down across the table from him. He didn’t budge. So Tito picked up a straw, unwrapped a bit of it, and blew the wrapper at Lucas. Lucas jerked upright suddenly and Tito and I started laughing really hard.
“Shut up,” Lucas said with a little smirk. Tito made an exaggerated frown face.
“Poor, Lucas. I’m sorry I blew that wrapper at you,” Tito said. I chuckled. Lucas turned to me.
“You know this means war,” he told me. I shrugged.
“I’m ready,” I told him. “Bring it on!” Tito gave me a high five.
“That’s right! She’s ready for it, she’s on my team!” Tito exclaimed. Lucas shook his head at the two of us. Then the rest of the family showed up and took their seats around the table. It was a buffet so everyone was to get their own food. I thought this was perfect, I could portion my food just the way I wanted to. But Tito walked with me. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was peering over my shoulder, looking to see if I had enough food.
And the “war” continued. When we got up Lucas did something to our places or our drinks. And when he got up we did the same thing to him. It went on like this for awhile, but eventually Lucy told her sons to behave themselves. I giggled because I wasn’t being scolded.
“But Mom, Gabrielle started it,” Tito said in a little kid voice. Lucy laughed at her son.
“Tito, don’t blame everything on your lovely girlfriend,” Thomas said with a wink in my direction. “She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Thank you, Thomas,” I told him. He nodded.
“It’s not fair, everyone is on your side,” Tito said. I shrugged.
“Sometimes,” I said. Tito didn’t make a witty remark at that one and his family just looked at me for a while. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.” I said simply. They laughed then, I guess my wording from before had been a little vague.

“Your investment of time in work or school next week is important.”

As Tito and I were driving back to campus Sunday afternoon he asked me what I had thought of my trip. So I told him what had stuck out most in my mind.
First was meeting his family. Lucas was nothing like I had expected. I didn’t really meet his older sister, she always seemed to be working. Then there were the twins. They seemed pretty cool, both into drama, just like I was. I was happy I wasn’t a weird drama geek to them. Finally there were his parents. They were traditional, very traditional. But they were also really nice, genuinely nice people.
Then we talked about his friend Shawn. I told him that, truthfully, I wasn’t a huge Shawn fan. I understood Tito and Shawn were really close, but the hug he gave me felt weird and itchy. Then I told him I wasn’t really into the whole Super Smash Bros. thing.
He shrugged off the thing about Shawn and the video games saying that they weren’t really important. Well, Shawn was still one of his best friends, but he was ok with me not liking the games. He then told me he thought his brother was up to something.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked him. He rolled his eyes and took a drink of his Mountain Dew.
“I mean, he kept stealing glances at you. He flirted with you all the time. It was obvious he liked you.” Tito told me.
“What? I didn’t notice any flirting.” I told him. I seriously hadn’t noticed any of the things Tito had mentioned. Well, except the staring on Friday night.
“Well, I know my brother. Don’t worry about it, if you didn’t notice, it’s probably not a big deal.” I nodded. That was true, Lucas would never get anywhere with someone who didn’t react, or even pick up on, his signals. This wasn’t a big deal at all because I wouldn’t see Lucas for a long time.
“Tito, just so you know, I’m not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. I promise.” He nodded and I took a drink of my Coca-cola. I didn’t even really think about it until after I swallowed the drink. It wasn’t diet, but full calorie. I could almost feel the whole of the calories sliding down my throat. I shuddered. Tito looked over at me.
“You alright over there?” He asked cautiously. I pursed my lips.
“This isn’t diet,” I told him. He shook his head.
“No, it’s not. You don’t need a diet one.” I looked over at him.
“Tito, I can’t just drink this. It’s going to ruin me.”
“No it won’t, Gabrielle. A coke is a normal and great tasting soda.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll drink the thing. But, I’m not going to eat dinner. This has JUST as many calories as dinner,” I informed him. Tito pulled over to the shoulder of the road.
“Gabrielle, don’t you even start this. You know that’s not true. You deserve to get better and I know you will. You just have to keep at it,” Tito told me calmly. But I was sick of him, everyone, telling me I was doing “such a great job” and I just “had to keep going”. I picked up the coke again, rolled down the window and chucked the bottle into the grass. Tito just stared at me, disbelief clouding his face. I could hardly believe what I had just done. He looked straight forward, checked the road, and got back on. He didn’t say another word to me the rest of the way home.
The silence started to bug me about half an hour. I started talking to him about other things. He didn’t reply. I started singing songs to him. I knew my voice was horrible, and still nothing. I couldn’t handle it.
“Tito, would you just say SOMETHING?!” I shouted at him. Nothing.
Fifteen minutes later: nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And then we were back on campus. He parked his car and I ran around to his side to block him from exiting the car.
“You have to say something,” I said. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, okay. I just, I can’t take all of this.”
“All of what?” Tito asked me. “The encouragement? The support?” I nodded.
“Yes, I can’t sit there and hear someone tell me they are proud of me when really all I did was eat. I don’t even want to eat all of the time and still people are saying they’re proud of me. This is just not what I want,” I told him honestly. He put his hands on my waist, moved me to the side and got out of the car. He stood over me. He looked down at me. Then he wrapped me in a hug. He just held me in an embrace for what seemed like forever. The feeling of his arms, safe and warm around me was so moving I couldn’t help the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I started crying uncontrollably. He just held on tighter. Eventually he let go and wiped the tears off of my face.
“Eating is a simple act. I’m proud of you for more than that. I’m proud of you for choosing to live. Choosing something that seems terrifying to you. Something your head keeps resisting,” he told me. I nodded.
“Thank you,” I said. He put an arm around my shoulders and we brought the stuff inside. We put our things in our respective rooms and met up in the stairwell after we had finished unpacking. I took his hand in mine and led him down the stairs and towards the cafeteria. I looked back at him and he gave me a big smile. I couldn’t get his smile out of my head the rest of the night. Not while we ate dinner. Not while he walked me back to my room and said goodnight. Not even while I was on the phone, first with my dad then with my mom. I fell asleep thinking just about that smile. It was cheesy and girly, and everything I had told myself would never happen in real life. But it was happening. To me. All of this was happening to me. And it was wonderful.

The next day I was assigned about forty math problems, a paper in my history class, and had to take an online survey in my philosophy class. It seemed like I would never emerge from this sea of homework. So I dove headfirst into it because I wanted to finish and also because my fortune said something good would come of working hard in school this week. At about six in the evening there was a knock on my door and I looked up from my laptop on which I was typing my history paper. I don’t know why I felt the knock wasn’t real, but I was kind of questioning it until the second knock came. I got up and walked to the door. It was Gladys.
“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner,” Gladys said. I nodded, grabbed my keys off my bed, locked my door and walked with her to the cafeteria. When we had gotten our food and sat down at a table she started asking about the weekend.
“What did you do at his house?” Gladys questioned.
“I talked with his family, ate dinner with them, and met one of his friends,” I told her.
“What was his family like? Were they nice about your eating disorder?”
“They had no idea about it. Tito didn’t tell them so I was not going to say anything. Everything went smoothly though.” I didn’t say anything to her about the car ride back or our fight. It didn’t really matter. I just told her what each family member was like. I told her about Lucas flirting with me. I told her about how cute the baby was. I even told her his friend Sean was really weird. Then I asked her about how her weekend went.
“It was amazing, Remy’s such a great guy. I showed him around campus and then we went to see some movie.” I laughed. “What is funny about seeing a movie?”
“Only the fact you can’t remember what movie you saw,” I informed her. She laughed then.
“I suppose we were a bit pre-occupied,” Gladys said. Her eyes sparkled. That guy must really do wonders for her. Especially considering how grumpy she had been. We talked about our weekends for a while. She told me how much fun she had, I told her about how long Tito’s siblings talked about the upcoming play. “Aw, they’re drama geeks like you.” I smiled.
“Pretty much, and I’m glad. That way I can talk to them about theater!” I said excitedly. This was good because they all added me on Facebook. I seriously mean all of them. When I got to my room and checked my laptop Sunday night I had five friend invites and they’re all Vincents. These people sure didn’t waste time. I was hesitant in adding Lucas, but I decided if I added everyone else it wouldn’t really matter.
We walked back to our dorms when we had finished talking and I sat down to work on my paper again. It was going to take about another page to answer everything, but I was pretty sure I had it in me. I mean, I wasn’t one hundred percent positive, but I was fully determined. I hadn’t seen Tito since our run that morning so I wasn’t all surprised when he called me at eight.
“Hey, beautiful,” Tito said as I accepted his call. I smiled.
“Tito, I’m in no way beautiful, but thank you,” I said. I could hear the exhalation of his breath on the other end of the line.
“I hate that you talk that way. Gab, you are beautiful. Accept it without question.” I rolled my eyes, but didn’t argue this. I was starting to realize arguing with Tito about stupid things like beauty wasn’t really what I wanted to do.
“Ok, what are you doing right now?”I asked him. “Because I am writing this paper and I feel it would probably go a lot better with a distraction.” He laughed.
“I’m on my way, m’lady,” he said as he hung up the phone. I looked intently at the page for a minute. Then there was a knock on the door and I jumped up. I opened the door and Tito was there smiling at me. I put my arms around his neck and he leaned down to kiss me.
“Alright, now I just have to finish this paper,” I told him. He sat down next to me on my bed. I looked at my laptop, the document of my paper open. “Do you know anything about history?” He laughed.
“Yes, I know a lot about history,” he told me. Then he proceeded to tell me almost everything I had questions on. After the paper was finally finished he took my hand and kissed it. It was a kind little gesture, one I used to gag on the thought of, but now, it was just simple and kind.
“You have been really awesome,” I told him as I rested my head on his shoulder. He patted my head.
“I try pretty damn hard,” he admitted. I laughed. I was glad he wasn’t going to get all mushy. I mean, I understand a little mush, but nothing too extreme.
He then reached behind him and handed me a copy of “Leaves of Grass” which is a book of poems by Walt Whitman. I had told him maybe a week or so ago that I had always wanted a closer look at Whitman’s poems after reading the book “Paper Towns” by John Green. I took the book from him and hugged it close to me. It was a bit worn.
“Where did you get this?” I asked Tito as I flipped through the pages, some dog eared and highlighted.
“It’s my mom’s copy,” he said. “She used to be really into poetry, especially good ole Walt. She said you could keep it.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. She wanted me to have this? She barely knew me, and already she was ready to give me a gift, something that was obviously special to her once upon a time.
“It’s beautiful,” I told him. He put an arm around me and kissed me.
“Well, I hope you enjoy it,” he said. “Sorry it’s a bit worn.” I shook my head.
“No, that’s what makes it so amazing. I can look at the poems themselves and also at the parts that spoke out to your mom. It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” I informed him. He smiled as I flipped through the pages some more. Every now and then I would point out something his mom had highlighted and tell him how awesome it was. He spent the rest of the hour he was there watching me read and commenting on my facial expressions. He said it was cute how excited I got about Walt Whitman.
Eventually I had to put the book down and go to bed, but I was happy just to have read the parts of “Song of Myself” I had. It was a long poem, but it was turning out to be pretty good. I thought also about what John Green had said about this poem in his own book. I tried looking at it, not just as a window to Whitman, or to Tito’s mom who had highlighted many parts, but also as a mirror into my own soul. It was difficult, but then it wouldn’t be worth it if it wasn’t difficult.
I also wanted to try and read it as a filter, and not a sponge. This was something I had picked up from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”. I supposed I did things various ways because of how I had seen them done. I mean, now every time I heard someone say anything that could be construed as a Rocky Horror Picture Show quote I would think the next line in my head and I sometimes said it out loud. This of course was only because my dad was such a fan, but nonetheless, it had shaped who I was.
That night I had a very strange dream.
I was sitting in a field of grass when Margo Roth Spiegleman, one of the main characters from “Paper Towns” came and sat down beside me. She was in her designer jeans and a soft blue scoop neck and I was in a summer dress. She looked at me and then pointed to the grass by which we were surrounded.
“What is the grass?” She asked me after a few moments. It was almost straight out of Whitman’s poem. I took the grass in my own hands and threw it at her, trying to make her see it for herself. But the wind blew it back in my face and I started choking on some of the spears. “The beautiful uncut hair of graves.” One of Whitman’s descriptions said. Maybe that is what grass is. I could almost see it, grass growing from the bodies of the dead. It was eerie in such a way that it was almost calming. That when we die we become the grass. That too was said somewhere before, oh yes in The Lion King. Could it be that the writers had read Whitman?
I hardly had time to think of this though for the next thing to happen was for the middle of the grass to part. Margo was on the other side of the newly formed chasm and she looked across at me. She stood up and took a running leap right into the fresh hole in the earth. I couldn’t believe she had jumped like that. I stood up and looked around. There was no one in sight. Is that why she jumped? I turned around again and there was Lora, a girl I’d gone through treatment with. While I had completed treatment Lora was slowly getting worse. I hadn’t heard from her since I left, but I thought about her more than I would admit to anyone. Actually I hadn’t told anyone about her. She was just standing in front of me, her arms so skinny and her veins so prominent. I walked over to her and hugged her. Truth be told I had really missed her. She was one of the only girls I talked to, and she was only fifteen years old. It was almost as though she were my little sister. She took my hand and walked me over to the chasm.
“It’s time to jump,” she told me, her voice soft. I shook my head.
“Lora, we don’t have to jump,” I told her as I tried to pull back. But she was stronger than I thought she was. She yanked hard and all of the sudden we were falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Then I sat up violently, wide awake. I couldn’t even start to think about what that dream might mean. I had always believed that dreams meant something, but this one was scary to try and work out in my head. I looked at the clock on my desk and saw it was five in the morning. Almost time to meet Tito for our run. I got ready fast and walked downstairs. He wasn’t there yet so I stretched and paced for a while. I wondered if I should try and call Lora. I finally decided that I would try my hardest to talk to Lora this week, I owed it to her. Tito walked outside then and stopped in front of me.
“You okay there?” He questioned. I nodded.
“I just need to make a phone call today,” I informed him. He looked at me closely, probably wondering who I needed to call. “I have to call Lora.” His brow furrowed even further than it had before.
“Who’s Lora? Is she a cousin or something?” Tito asked. I shook my head.
“Lora was one of my friends from recovery. She’s only fifteen and she wasn’t doing particularly well when I left.” Although I couldn’t remember quite what was wrong. All I remembered was it was not good.
“Wow, I’m sorry, Gab. Are you ready to run?” He asked as he cast me a sidelong glance. I nodded and we took off.
As we were running I noticed people who were out doing their own thing in the early morning hours. The first corner we passed contained a bus stop and there were a few people sitting on the bench there. One of them was an elderly woman who was there every morning. She always had on a flower patterned dress and most of the time she wore a hat. This time she had a little boy with her and the boy had a yellow balloon he was waving in front of him.
The next turn we made passed a coffee shop. There was a man outside sipping coffee and pouring over a book while occasionally looking at his computer. Another woman was nursing her drink and looking off into the distance. I wondered if she was waiting for someone. Then I tripped over something and was in the air a few brief moments before I landed on my face. I pushed myself up off the ground and brushed myself off before Tito caught up to me.
“You okay there Trips McGee?” Tito asked me. I nodded.
“Yeah, I must have gotten distracted or something” I said. I touched my hand to my chin which had begun to throb with pain. I looked down at my hand and noticed it had blood on it. “Ah, darn it. Of course I would scrape it.” Tito raced over to one of the outdoor tables and came back with a napkin. He wiped my chin softly and then kissed me.
“All better?” He questioned. I nodded. It was definitely all better. We continued on our run and then got some breakfast together at a local bakery. He said it was because I earned it for being so good about the cut on my chin. “And because you didn’t cry.” He made sure to add. I ate a small donut and he ate a streusel pastry. It was the first time I had eaten a donut in over a year and I had forgotten how good the things tasted.
Then it was time to go back to my floor for the weekly weigh-in. I stepped onto the scale and saw, to my surprise as well as the shock of the nurse on duty that I had lost two pounds. She was not happy. A part of me was relieved. A part of me wanted to go lower.
An inquisition pursued then on my eating habits. Obviously I had been skipping meals, the nurse inferred. I corrected her, I had eaten three meals a day, for the most part, since I’d been in school. She then asked if I had been doing a lot of exercising. Oh shoot! I had forgotten exercise was sort of forbidden. I told her I went running every morning for almost two miles. She told me I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. This was something that didn’t work for me.
“I need to run,” I told the nurse. “You see, I’m used to playing a sport and the activity is relaxing for me.” She shook her head.
“No you cannot do that. If you need relaxation take up knitting or something, nothing that will drop your weight so low.” I was getting pretty frustrated with this.
“No, I am going to RUN.” She took a look at her clipboard and started to write.
“I am marking you for going against treatment,” she told me. Damn. So I did the only thing I could think of doing, I apologized. I told her I would stop running and she said she would let me off with a warning. I was so grateful I gave the nurse an unexpected hug. She was definitely taken off guard. I went back into my room and got ready for my classes.

After class was over it was time for me to tell Tito I couldn’t go running with him anymore. I walked to his dorm and knocked on the door. He opened it and I walked inside.
“Come on in,” he said jokingly. I went to his bed and sat down. He sat down next to me. “What’s the matter?”
“I lost two pounds,” I told him. He looked over at me and I could tell he was going through meal times in his head.
“You haven’t been purging have you?” Tito asked me. “Because you have been eating all of your meals.” I rolled my eyes.
“Tito, it’s the running,” I said. “They don’t want me to run anymore.” I could hear the disappointment in my own voice and I felt stupid for putting so much emotion into these words. I didn’t want him to feel bad about it.
“That’s ridiculous, I mean, it’s just to calm you down.” I nodded and told him this was exactly what I had told the nurse.
“But then she said if I insisted on running every morning I was going to be on probation, which is totally unfair because I’m not running to lose weight…” There was a little pause thing at the end of my sentence and Tito was definitely able to catch onto it.
“But you kind of liked the fact you did end up losing weight,” Tito said. I bit my lip. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I thought saying nothing might be better than telling the truth. “Gabrielle, you have to focus on your recovery. I’m sorry, but now I can see why you shouldn’t run.” I crossed my arms over my chest, of course he would see it now.
“Tito, I know you feel that I shouldn’t lose any weight at all, but maybe those few pounds weren’t meant to be there.” I knew this sounded stupid as soon as they came out of my mouth, but I didn’t care.
“That is shit and you know it.”
“Fine, it is shit, but I just want to run or something. But if I do I’ll end up back in treatment.”
“I hate to say this, but do you think you might need some more time to recover?” Tito asked me. I couldn’t believe this. Wasn’t he the one who always told me I could do this? When I had doubts, he would back me up. I stood up then and walked right out of the room. I walked to Gladys’ room because she understood, or she sort of understood. In no way was drug addiction and eating disorders the same, but they both had a long recovery process.
I knocked on her door. She didn’t answer.
I knocked on her door. She still didn’t answer.
And repeat cycle five more times before I realize she must be in class or something. So I walk back to my own room. I sit down at my desk and begin to type furiously, throwing whole self into the psychology paper I had just been assigned.
My phone vibrates. It’s a text from Tito.
“I’m sorry,” the text reads.
“Good,” I replied
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” I scoffed even though no one was around to hear it. What a cliché thing for him to say.
“Noted.”
“Can I come in?” His next text asked and then there was a knock on the door. People think they’re so clever when they do that sort of thing. Sometimes it is clever, but sometimes it is just plain annoying. Because they are expecting you to say yes.